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Q We are paying for the bulk of our own wedding. Weâre both in our mid-30s, have established careers and donât feel like itâs right to ask our parents for money (and they havenât offered).
My grandmother did send us a generous check to put to good wedding use, but didnât specify whether she was covering the flowers or the photos. So no money is coming in from our parents, but yet weâre being flooded with plenty of demands on who should be invited. Some of these requests are outright crazyâaunts I havenât seen since I was 5, third cousins my partner doesnât even remember meeting. Weâre excited that our parents are even coming to our wedding (it was touch and go in the beginning of our relationship), and we donât want to cause too much friction.
What do we do?
A First, take a deep breath. This is your wedding day, not theirs. So take the reins and move forward accordingly.
Youâre established in your careers and likely your social circle as well. Itâs likely that youâve got plenty of friends and co-workers whom you also would like to invite to be a part of your big dayâand these people are probably more active in your lives than much of your family.
Traditionally, parents get a say in whoâs invited when theyâre forking over the cash for the big day. If they donât want to pay, then they donât get a say. Itâs really that simple, and you can tell them I said so. 
However, itâs still considered respectful to give them a certain amount of spots on the guest list to fill. Letâs say youâre inviting 100 guests. First, make your list of 60 people, trying to keep it to friends who you think youâll still be in touch with and care about in five years, co-workers you canât leave out, and special relatives. Then talk to your wonderful grandmother, and offer her 10 spots of relatives she believes should be invited, and maybe her bestie from the neighborhood. Iâd suggest letting your parents fill 15 spots and your partnerâs parents fill the other 15. There may be some crossover, which leaves more room for you, not them. Donât let them go over their limit. If they insist on more, give them your account number for a wire transfer so they can pay for the extra heads at the reception.
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Kirsten Palladino is the editor in chief of Equally Wed, the nationâs premier same-sex wedding magazine, online at http://www.equallywed.com. Equally Wed offers gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer couples a guide to their weddings, a social community and a marketplace of vetted LGBT-friendly wedding vendors. Follow Equally Wed on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/equallywed.
