My parents kicked me out and I am living with my uncle who is in his 40′s and is also gay. I knew he was gay before, and I am in love with him. I was wondering if I should tell him how I feel?
–Adam, Ohio
Dear Adam,
First I am so sorry that you were kicked out of your house! When we say things are better for our gay youth I always remind people that this is not true for everyone and you are a good example.
That said, how wonderful it is to have an openly gay uncle. Hopefully, it really WILL “get better” for you.
I would not recommend telling your uncle how you feel.
You were just kicked out of your house, so if it doesn’t go well, you might have to leave his home, too. Not knowing your uncle’s personality, I would recommend being safe rather than sorry and not tell him how you feel.
If you do decide to share your feelings, I recommend you first talk this out with friends and perhaps a therapist before telling him how you feel.
There’s one thing to keep in mind. Your feelings toward your uncle may not be adult love, but rather idealized and romanticized love. I suspect that growing up gay, you may have looked up to your out gay uncle. You could feel a strong connection and affection for him, which you may mischaracterize as romantic love. Now that he has taken you in, you likely feel even more strongly toward him.
When one of my nephews was 6-years-old, he asked me if boys could marry boys. He knew my partner and I lived together and shared a bedroom, but did not piece together yet that we were a couple -though throughout our home there are pictures of us everywhere together, including our wedding pictures.
I responded by telling him that men can marry men and women can marry women. He then said, “Then when I grow up I want to marry you!” It was so sweet. I told him that family members cannot marry family members and that when he grew up, I hoped he married whomever he wanted outside the family.
If you wait for a while, my guess is that these feelings you have for him will subside and become normal, loving kinship feelings.
But of course, you are an adult and can make these sorts of decisions on your own. After you’re no longer living with your uncle, and have thought about it for a while, you may decide to share your feelings. But be careful.
