Q: How do gay people decide these days what words to use to refer to their significant others?
I’m not really comfortable calling mine my “lover” (although he insists on calling me that), but the word “partner” is confusing: Business partner or life partner?
It seems to me that the language keeps changing in this area; even some couples who have gotten hitched don’t like “husband” or “wife”! Do you have any advice on where to begin?
A: I definitely agree that it’s confusing. And, there sure are a lot of options in play these days in the LGBT community—and some very strong feelings out there about what people don’t want to be called. Regardless of the particular legal status of a relationship, you’ll likely hear everything from boyfriend/girlfriend, beau, life partner, spouse, lover or husband/wife to “my sweetie pie.”
The truth is that it’s pretty much up to the two of you to decide what terms to use. I’m reminded that years ago when Miss Manners was asked this question regarding straight couples, she punted, humorously suggesting: POSSLQ, which stands for Persons of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters (pronounced possel-que). Perhaps, she might suggest PSSSLQ, for Persons of the Same Sex Sharing Living Quarters – or not!
Fortunately, manners don’t dictate anything about the propriety of one phrase or another. If there’s any rule here, it’s that you respect each other’s wishes. For instance, it doesn’t sound like you’re okay about your guy calling you his “lover.” So I really do suggest speaking up about that.
Whatever the two of you decide—and yes, you may very well want to be called quite different things—think of this as a chance to find a decent description of your relationship, partly for each other and partly to make things easier on everyone else.
We’re not talking endearments here, but rather words to use for introducing each other and for tipping off others about what’s up between the two of you.
Naming a gay relationship by simply making it clear to the world that you are not “just friends” can have great symbolic value as well.
You may also find that you choose to use different terms with your LGBT friends than you do with your straight colleagues or family members. I know some couples that are quite comfortable using “lover” with the former, but prefer “partner” with the latter. Again, find your own comfort level.
By the way, here’s a quick note about what to do if you find others confused about how to refer to you as a couple. For starters, introduce your significant other the way you’d like him or her to be referred to. “So and so, I’d like you to meet my wife Katia.” Your new friends should pick up on that clue and refer to Katia as your wife – not girlfriend or partner. Also, if someone asks, let them know what your preference is—kindly and without embarrassing them. By asking, they’re simply being respectful of your relationship by making it clear that your choice in this area is what matters most to them.
Do keep in mind while you and your guy are chatting about this stuff: Nothing’s written in stone. The words you come up with may well change over time. A “girlfriend” may become a “partner” or a “lover” turns into a “husband.” The idea is to find something that makes you both feel comfortable—for now. And while we’re on this subject, let’s give Facebook a call out for allowing us more choice in how to categorize our relationships; they’ve now added” domestic partner” and “civil union” in addition to “in a relationship” or “it’s complicated.”
Steven Petrow is the author of the forthcoming Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners. Send him your question to: ask@gaymanners.com
