Well, what the hell was that?  I just watched an hour of girls throwing shade and not punches.  Where is my weekly dose of producer-regulated ultra-violence?  Was this even worth my time?  Was it worth your time?  Find out as as I examine the shadiest moment of this week's episode of Bad Girls Club Miami:

Shanae Vs The House: The narrative arc of this episode is driven by the fact that the girls seem to be increasingly OK with Becky Andrea and Janelle, and increasingly less OK with Shanae.  It is hard to broker the tempestuous relationship these women have with each other, so you're just going to have to trust me when I say that according to the internal logic of the show, this makes perfect sense.  Because I simply cannot explain these paradigm shifts.

Late in the episode, Shanae calls her mom because she's upset about the alliance switcheroo.  "Without a test there can be no testimony,” says her momma.  At first I was smitten with this piece of wisdom, but then I realized that it is actually one of those garbled things a homeless person might say that, out of context, sounds very deep but in no way actually is.

That Horse vs Janelle:  The producers decide it is time for the Bad Girls to ride horses.  What is it with reality TV women and horses?  If I were better with FinalCut Pro I'd do a super cut of reality TV women failing to ride horses, because I swear to god this is a recurring theme across the genre.   You'd think that someone would have coached these girls on at least the basics of riding.  Then again, maybe they're too busy riding something else, wink wink.

Some Guy vs Tiana:  Shanae, on the receiving end of some behind-the-scenes shade, invites some gentlemen callers over to the BGC mansion.  The girls make nice with Becky Andrea and Janelle and encourage them to drink with the gang.  But when one bro slaps Tiana's ass in the confessional, Tiana snaps back.

"I will violate you!" she retorts in drunken protest of his lewd and non-consensual act.  And suddenly, Tiana becomes my favorite character of the bunch.

Jazmone vs Janelle:  Jazmone worries about whether or not her stint on Bad Girls Club will interfere with her burgeoning modeling career.  Her worry is interrupted by a not-at-all serendipitous phone call from a bikini designer who wants to cast her in a fashion show.  But Jazmone has put on some weight through the course of the season, you know because of all the binge drinking (whatever girl, you still look great), and decides the day of the show that she needs to sweat that pudge off.  Cue work-out montage!

Janelle goes to the fashion show with the intention of upstaging Jazmone:  “I'm just going to do what I do best: get pretty and piss bitches off," she says in what is perhaps the single greatest one-liner of the season.  But when Jazmone werks the runway like a pro, Janelle storms out.

"Bitch should have done a couple of sit ups before she put on that bikini,” says Janelle. Didn't you see that work-out montage?!  She did do a couple of sit-ups!

Check back next week when the Bad Girls are forced to confront their darkest fears and change for the better!  Just kidding, they'll never do that!