You guys, I'm not going to pretend like I was even remotely sober when I watched last night's episode of Bad Girls Club Miami.  I just wasn't.  But now that my headache is fully in place and I have gained enough wherewithal to write this post, I sort of wish I could just copy/paste my drunken notes of the episode into this blog.  They are priceless.  But, alas, instead I have prepared the shadiest moments of the evening in a coherent list, for your reading pleasure:

Jazmone Vs Becky Andrea:  The girls arrive home from their dragtastic trip to Key West to find giantess Andrea, their new roommate, wandering the halls of the house.  Andrea seems like a fairly standard blonde southern bimbo with permanent duck-face (like a stretched out version of Sarah, if you will) and immediately Jazmone is displeased with her presence.

And thus the shade throwing begins:  "Definitely a Becky.  Becky is just the name I give white girls that look like her."

The rest of the house continues to call her Becky for the rest of the episode.

Jordan Vs Shanae:  Jordan might be the lamest person to ever walk in front of a BGC camera.  Described as "that latin rapper" by the girls, he apparently had made special appearances as a possible beau for numerous girls on season 3 of Bad Girls Club and is now back for more.  Can you a imagine a more pathetic existence than being a Bad Girls Club groupie?  A dude groupie?  A DROUPIE?!

Anyway, Jordan makes out with Shanae in the club.  The next day he calls and asks to talk to Jazmone.  He invites the girls (via Jazmone) on his yacht, where he, again, makes out with Shanae (despite claiming he only wants to be friends).

So not only is he a droupie, he is also a shady scheming sycophant.  So, get off this show, Jordan.  I want to see girls punch each other in the skull, not your stupid face.

The House Vs Becky Andrea: Becky Andrea notices that the girls in the house really hate Janelle.  So the blonde amazon, who sees a bit of herself in Janelle ("You're black barbie and I'm white barbie" she may or may not have said) decides to form an alliance with the other valkyrie in the mansion.  Janelle, who is unsure of this alliance to begin with (and describes Becky Andrea as a "demon" when she is drunk) goes along with it, because at least someone is on her side.

Becky Andrea takes it upon herself to "prank" (aka: poison) the other girls by putting dirt in their make-up and hot sauce in their juice.

Then, the rest of the house, in the bizarre prison logic that these girls adhere to, decide they hate Becky Andrea more than they hate Janelle.  So they trash her property, spit in her make-up, and throw tomato sauce on her bed.

The girls call this "#art" but even by Lady Gaga standards, I don't buy that classification.

Tiana Vs Janelle: Tiana gets a call from the dearly departed Teresa.  Teresa reminds Tiana that her sole mission should be to remove Janelle from the house, because... honor or something?

I can't even begin to understand the Bushido code that these girls live by.

So Tiana, who admits that she doesn't even have a problem with Janelle anymore, reminds Janelle that she must be eliminated.  (Luckily we get a flash-forward to a beat-down in the week to come, if only to prove her commitment to the samurai creed.)

Check back next week when the same things continue to happen.