I was beginning to lose faith in Bad Girls Club Miami, seeing as how all the episodes to date have been fairly timid. But last night the Dark Lord granted me a brief respite of violence and glittery hellfire. More and more, I’m convinced this show is a black Mass in which women with anger-management issues pay tribute to Lucifer through through wanton sex and violence.
But you can’t perform evil rituals without shade, so let’s see what kind of darkness lurks in the hearts of our favorite femme fatales:
The Shadiest Shade on Bad Girls Club Miami
Mimi Vs Sarah – After Sarah and Jazmone briefly tangle, the girls are separated by zealous security guards, but only after Mimi pulls a chunk of hair out of Sarah’s scalp. Snatched Sarah goes to shower later and it looks kind of like this. The girls wake up the next morning in foul moods, until Mimi challenges Sarah to a fight. Sarah smartly pulls her hair back in an Iggy Azalea-esque high ponytail before hurling a vicious backhand, but Mimi, like prey fighting for survival, attempts to gouge out Sarah’s eyes.
Sarah is sent to the hospital and receives a tetanus shot (no lie) because the Dark Lord only knows what kind of diseases Mimi could be spreading after her rumored encounters with The Biebs.
Both girls are sent home by angry producers.
Natalie Nunn vs Mimi – Before Mimi decides to throw down, she gets a call from Bad Girl All-Star Natalie Nunn, who warns her about fighting with Sarah. Natalie serves some Mob Wives realness, explaining that Mimi should fear for her life after picking a fight with our favorite blonde brawler.
Natalie, you think Mimi can’t hold her own in a fight? Judging by the actual blood gushing from Sarah’s eyeballs, she’s doing just fine.
Teresa Vs Her (Ex-)Boyfriend – Teresa takes a call from her boyfriend who mutters inaudibly into the phone. Teresa is prepared with nasty retorts. One phone call goes like this:
Boyf: [inaudible] Teresa: What bitches were you talking to?
Another goes like this:
Boyf: [inaudible] Are we still together? [inaudible] Teresa: Why, you want to go fuck something?
So, basically, Teresa is the best.
Janelle Vs Tiana – The next day, two new replacement girls are sent into the house. While Shanae is largely uninteresting (“I don’t like people who are fake or phony,” she says with no irony or self awareness), Janelle is doing a pretty good Dixie Kong impression, whipping her mane at every girl in the house.
After more hair whips than a Leiomy Maldonado vogue routine, Tiana confronts Janelle. Shockingly, no punches are thrown, but all the girls are warned to stay out of the deadly radius of Janelle’s luscious locks.
Essentially, Janelle is Sindel from Mortal Kombat.
Bad Girls Club Colloquialisms Vs My Brain – After the fifth time someone said the phrase “turnt up” I consulted Ye Olde Urban Dictionary for clarification. The definitions were ambiguous at best:
Turnt Up: A state of altered consciousness induced by alcohol or narcotics, also being happy and excited and energetic! And Or Having Fun Verb. (“Shanay got super turnt up at the party last night.”
Alternate definition (and here’s where the shade comes in): A homosexual erection.
With two new girls in the house, who knows what nefarious creatures lurk in the shadows. Check back next week to see what demons are summoned!