Battle of the Network Gays! It’s Josiah vs. Seamus vs. Burt vs. B’rent!

Every week we’re going to pick the gays who made the biggest splash on television and let you, the keepers of the flame, decide who will be crowned Gay of the Week.
We’ll announce the winner the following Monday, and that champion will
reign until a new set of challengers are unveiled the following week.

Here are this week’s nominees:

Josiah Penny, Pennys From Heaven

We haven’t paid much attention to this Disney Channel show about the wholesome adventures of the Penny family from Heaven, Tennessee, but that changed this week when eldest son Josiah officially became a Disney Coded Gay.

There have been a few clues this season. For instance, in the episode “Heathen in Heaven,” youngest daughter Eden learns a life lesson in tolerance when her teacher is discovered to be an atheist. The Penny family pull together, and thanks to Josiah’s artistic talent with poster board and crepe paper, they’re able to stage a protest at the school and have the teacher fired.

Then, in “All Hamsters Go To Heaven,” middle child Jacob learns a life lesson about death and the hereafter when he accidentally tosses his pet hamster into the wood chipper. The local reverend visits, and as he tells a pale and shaken Jacob that animals don’t have souls, and therefore his pet will not ascend to the holy kingdom, Josiah visits with the reverend’s son, and the two of them discuss their mutual admiration for Tim Tebow and Kurt Warner.

But this week’s episode “Heaven Scent” was a breakthrough. Josiah stopped off at the mall before school, and to his horror was sprayed with David Beckham’s “Instinct” cologne as he walked through Nordstrom Department Store. Confused and terrified, he rushed home to shower, but then he had an epiphany and decided to hold his head high and attend school, even with the whispering and finger pointing.

For this bold act of courage (for the Disney Channel), Josiah deserves this nomination.

Seamus O’Halloran, The O’Hallorans

It can’t be easy being the only black and Irish family on Boston’s south side, but the characters on the CBS drama The O’Hallorans get through it with humor, warmth, and lots of corned beef and cabbage!

22-year-old Seamus is no stranger to the Battle of the Network Gays, of course. Last year during his emotional and dramatic coming-out arc, he won the title three weeks in a row, beating out the likes of Kurt Hummell and beloved gay soap character Winchester Manchester III, who was killed in a tragic carousel decapitation, and donated his brain and left nipple to a shirtless straight extra.

Now Seamus is back in the running thanks to his newest storyline. He’s in love, and wants to introduce his new boyfriend to his family. Unfortunately, his boyfriend is white, Godless, and writes bitter articles for a gay pop culture website.

For letting love overcome his hesitation, Seamus earns this nomination.

Burt Henley, Unhappy Campers

We rolled our eyes when Bravo announced yet another reality competition, but Unhappy Campers has turned out to be a guilty pleasure.

It gathers 12 adults who quit or were thrown out of Bible Camp for various reasons as kids. For instance, Kelly was thrown out at the age of 15 when she accidentally referred to God as “she,” and Scott was tossed away when he was caught listening to “Devil Music” (Nelson).

The show has them compete in the challenges they missed out on (i.e. Last Supper macaroni collage, WWJD Moccasins) and features celebrity guest judges Kirk Cameron and Victoria Jackson. One camper will be eliminated each week, and the last camper standing will win the coveted Golden Crown of Thorns (and $50,000 dollars).

We’ve become enamored of camper Burt, whose story is touching and poignant. He went to Bible Camp at the age of 14, where like many gay boys, he came to terms with his sexuality. He fell for his bunkmate, but when the two were caught kissing behind the paper mache Tree of Life, Burt was hounded by campers and counselors until he was forced to quit.

Now 20 years later, he’s come back with something to prove.

He’s been pretty low-key so far, getting through the challenges without standing out, but making it through, unlike the first four eliminated campers. Nadine (kicked out 20 years ago for being secretly Jewish), James (black fingernail polish), Bobby (ate the cheddar cheese nativity scene), and Lisa (bi-racial) were the first four to go … and Burt almost became number five this week.

The first competition was to make a diorama of a famous bible scene, but Burt’s scene depicting soldiers skinnydipping in the Red Sea failed to impress the judges, and he fell into the bottom two.

The elimination challenge pitted Burt against camper Nancy (got period). They both had to create a lanyard cross, and using his memory of creating a rainbow lanyard from 20 years ago, Burt managed to avoid dismissal.

For finding salvation for another week, Burt deserves this nomination.

B’rent, Sugar Babies of Miami Beach

Logo’s third incarnation of their wildly popular Sugar Babies series takes place among the hot beaches and cool people of Miami Beach. The standout of this series has to be B’rent , who’s the “companion” of an 83-year-old oil tycoon.

Unlike the cringe-inducing narcissists who generally populate these shows, B’rent decided to stand up for himself in this week’s episode, and demanded to be treated with respect and decency:

B’rent: “I knew I had to say something. I couldn’t just stand there and take the abuse. So I looked him straight in the eye and said, ’These sheets are 1200 thread count. You know I can’t sleep on anything less than 2000!’ Well, after he realized I was going to stand my ground, he relented. And now I have my 2000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets.”

For following his heart and doing what’s right, B’rent deserves this nomination (oh, and be sure to look for Logo’s next version, Sugar Babies of C Street House).

Vote for your favorite by Midnight PST Sunday. Be sure to check back on Monday to see who you’ve picked as Gay of
the Week!

80's Pop Culture Expert, Shooting At The Walls Of Heartache.