A TOTALLY SERIOUS, IN-DEPTH LOOK AT ABSOLUTELY ALL THE NEWS THIS WEEK
Gays aren’t responsible just for hurricanes, but for the bad economy as well. Bruno gets a high school principal sent to the superintendent’s office, and I cop to my part in the downfall of Governor Mark Sanford’s marriage. It was a nineteen year plot in the making!
Wingnut du jour, Oklahoma Representative Sally Kern, this week issued a resolution laying the United State’s economic woes at the feet of America’s sexual sins including the fact that America "…has become a world leader in promoting … same sex marriage…"
Far be it from me to contradict someone of Kern’s towering intellect, but when it comes to promoting same-sex marriage, the U.S. is sadly lagging behind numerous countries such as Belgium, Canada, Netherlands, Norway, Sweden, Spain and South Africa all of which have legalized gay marriage.
Then there are countries with national civil unions including the United Kingdom, Czech Republic, Denmark,
Germany and, well, you get my point. Given that Kerns has probably never left the U.S. and thinks Satan is waiting just across the border, I’m not surprised she doesn’t know anything about those "furin" countries.
Kerns then went on to say she personally blames Brothers & Sisters’ Kevin and Scotty for that bloated feeling she gets after eating dairy and fears the return of Project Runway and Tim Gunn will cause her hemorrhoids to reappear.
Officials at Birmingham High School in Los Angeles found themselves in hot water this week over concerns the school’s principal and athletic director had allowed members of the football team to cavort in pictures with Sacha Baron Cohen for his photospread in GQ magazine. Said Superintendent Ramon C. Cortines, "We’ve allowed our students to be used, and not in the most glamorous circumstances, either."
Ramon then went on to add "We believe it’s much more wholesome for our boys to strap on armor and then smash into each other at full tilt, trying crush their opponents spirits and quite possibly break some bones at the same time. "
All kidding aside, I do have to wonder what officials were thinking letting students participate in this. While I appreciate their being openminded enough not to reject the idea because it was "gay", it seems inappropriate to put minors in something so suggestive that is going to get so much publicity whether it be with Cohen or Pamela Lee Anderson.
I confess! I did it! I’m the one who ruined South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s marriage! Bwa-ha-ha!
Last week I gave Gov. Sanford my #Fail of the Week for his hypocrisy in going after gay folks as threatening family values while he himself was off in South America canoodling with his own Eva Peron.
Now I feel I must come forward and confess my part in all of this. I met the future governor in 1990 when he and his wife cut me off at red light and called me a moron. Determined to exact my revenge, I decided the best way was to destroy his family. And the best way to do that was by becoming gay.
So in 1990, I came out, started attending gay pride marches, dressing better, and moved to the gay part of Seattle.
Over the following nineteen years, every gay book I read, every gay movie I saw, and every instance of gay sex in which I engaged was done solely to destroy the sanctity of marriage — specifically Mark Sanford’s marriage.
While I despaired at times, I persevered by watching even the worst gay programming, drinking fruity drinks and voting for the most liberal candidate at every opportunity. That’s why I felt almost unspeakable joy last week when Sanford was caught cheating and I knew my quest had been fulfilled.
Now that I’ve achieved that nearly twenty year in the making dream, it’s time move. I’m coming out as straight, in love with Megan Fox and announcing I’ve been hired as the editor of Maxim. It’s been my pleasure editing this site for all of you fine queers and I wish you the best of luck in your quest to continue destroying heterosexual marriage.
Except mine and Megan’s, of course.
Next page! If you don’t want vote in the Asshat Smackdown, why not head on to page four to see who won the Battle of the Network Gays?
Never happy to leave things exactly as they are, we’ve decided to do just a little more rearranging on the goodship AfterElton. Starting this week, we’re going to be announcing the winner of the Battle of the Network Gays as well as having voting for the Asshat Smackdown! in the BEST.GAY.WEEK.EVER!
I know the Asshat feature isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, so again, why not just head on to page four to see who won this week’s gay crown?
Now on to this week’s Asshat nominees!
1. Patricia Mauceri
Why? The One Life to Live actress objected when her minor character Carlotta Vega was to be tangentially involved in the upcoming Kish gay storyline. What did she object to? Having to kiss another woman? Nope. Storming the Vatican and bitchslapping the Pope for being homophobic? Nyet!
Mauceri was upset at the idea her character was to be accepting of her son Cristian’s homosexuality (he wasn’t actually gay, but she thought he was). Not only did the actress not believe her character would behave that way, but she also reportedly personally objected to being seen as pro-gay.
Personally, I suspect she worried she is too crappy an actress to convincingly play pro-gay. Just saying…
2) The Fort Worth Police Department
Why? In what can one only hope was an ugly coincidence, two Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission agents and six Fort Worth Police Department officers raided The Rainbow Lounge, a gay bar, on what just happened to be the 40th anniversary of Stonewall.
The whole thing went down when TABC agents were doing a check to make
sure there were no drunk patrons, although why the police were along to
simply issue citations has not been made clear.
Police and bar patron reports conflict, but this is increasingly looking like a black eye for the department and the city. Not only is one patron — Chad Gibson — still in intensive care, but gay rights groups and city council members are demanding an investigation.
It’s also interesting to note the The Rainbow Lounge had only been open for two weeks when the raid went down.
The police have already contradicted themselves in their own reports and on Tuesday police chief Jeff Halstead seemed to be trying out some sort of gay panic defense saying the officers had been "inappropriately touched" when they entered the bar and that "You’re touched
and advanced in certain ways by people inside the bar, that’s
offensive. I’m happy with the restraint used when they were
contacted like that."
When asked about the cast on his right arm, Chief Halstead explained he had tried to get some nookie last night and his wife had reacted "appropriately" by breaking his arm.
Next page! An aging rocker and a writer round out this week’s nominees!
3) Kiss frontman Gene Simmons
WHY? The attention-starved singer is making a second run at the Asshat crown (he narrowly lost last month to President Obama and the Department of Justice) by having again asserted Adam Lambert had "killed" his career by being publicly out.
I don’t think I’ve been talking smack at all. In fact, if anything, I’ve been soft-peddling. He’s enormously talented, best talent ’American Idol’ has had, but I think he killed his career because now the conversation is not about his talent but about his sexual preference. He’s done. You’re forcing people to deal with issues they may not be interested in. … If only the world was not homophobic, but it is. I would be the first one to vote for equal rights for gay women and men, and get the church and the state to stop telling everybody how to lead their lives, but do I think he’s killed his career? Oh, in an instant. I hope I’m completely wrong. I hope he becomes the next Beatles and proves me wrong.
Simmons then held his hand to his ear as if holding a phone and said, "Adam, call me! Love to do a single with you, Babe!"
#4) Ian Halperin
The celebrity journalist couldn’t wait to capitalize on the news of Michael Jackson’s death (in fact, he’d been morbidly predicting it having recently said Michael had six months to live) by announcing that his unauthorized biography of the pop superstar would have juicy details including word that Jackson wasn’t a pedophile, but was actually gay and naming his lovers. In fact, Halperin’s been airing all sorts of dirty laundry. Fine, that’s kind of journalism he does. It doesn’t mean I have to like it.
As for Michael being gay, thanks, but no thanks. If Michael didn’t want us in real life, than I really don’t want to claim him now. (And a special Asshat nod to Michael’s father Joe for shamelessly using Michael’s death to plug his new record label. Ugh.)
Next page! Our Gay of the Week!
GAY OF THE WEEK!
As mentioned earlier, we’ve decided to move Gay of the Week! over to the BEST.GAY.WEEK.EVER! because it really just makes sense with the whole "Week" theme. This week pitted last week’s champion Lt. Colonel Victor Fehrenbach against The Young and the Restless’ Rafe, The Real World: Cancun’s Derek Chavez and Dr. Morales, the coroner on The Closer, who came out on this week’s episode.
And the winner is…
Lt. Col Victor Fehrenbach
… It’s a repeat!
How he won: Fehrenbach won last week pretty easily, but this time out he stomped the competition taking home 52% of the votes, crushing challengers Rafe from The Young and the Restless (21%), Dr. Morales from The Closer (18%) and Derek Chavez from The Real World: Cancun (10%)!
Past wins: This is Fehrenbach’s second win in a row, but given the prominence of Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell in the news, Fehrenbach will probably provide some tough competition again next week.
The Lieutenant Colonel’s benevolent rule will last until Friday when he must fend off three new challengers!
Next page! Shooting arrows at the week’s television!
IN MY HUMBLE OPINION
Kings rules, Hung could use a little male enhancement, Kathy’s best season ever, Wipeout is great summer fun, I Survived a Japanese Game Show is not, and much more!
KINGS: When the Queen had Prince Jack’s boyfriend killed, I was not only angry, but I wanted to stop watching. Personally, I’ve had enough dead gay characters to last me a lifetime. But I’m glad I stuck around as the episode actually did a nice job of dealing with the fall out for Jack and making it clear who the monster was here. I truly get the feeling that had Kings survived, Jack might have gone on to be one of the most intriguing gay characters we’d ever seen.
KATHY GRIFFIN: I’m finding this to be one of Kathy’s strongest seasons and her mom is definitely part of the reason. I love the way she gamely puts up with Kathy’s ribbing, but truly priceless were her reactions to teabagging — about which she definitely did not want to know — and her attempts to navigate Kathy’s "Faceplace" page.
VIRTUALITY: I so wanted to like this. Not only did I want us Yanks to have our own Torchwood, but I genuinely liked this couple. I’m not sure who gets the lion’s share of the blame — Fox for meddling and asking for all kinds of rewrites or Ronald Moore for what seems like a poor execution of a convoluted idea. Either way, we lose.
WIPEOUT: This totally brainless show is perfect for hot summer evenings. It’s like cotton candy — it tastes great, but two minutes later, you’ve forgotten what you ate. And kudos to the show for not gay-baiting. There have been a couple of effeminate male contestants and while the show mocked them like they do everybody else, they avoided the obvious, offensive jokes.
HUNG: While the first episode could’ve used a shot of Viagara, I’d encourage you to stick around and keep watching. Episode 2 really clicks and I not only love Thomas Jane’s hangdog performance, but the show actually has a sweetness I wasn’t expecting.
TRUE BLOOD: Okay, who didn’t cover their eyes when that doctor went digging around in Sookie’s scratched up back? Ewww….. TB keeps rolling along picking up ratings and critical acclaim. Methinks this is the must-watch show of the summer. BTW, I know who that beastie in the forest is…
NURSE JACKIE: Watching Jackie come to the realization there is something seriously wrong with her child is heartbreaking. I recently watched the similarly-themed Phoebe in Wonderland and NJ did a much better job of handling.
I SURVIVED A JAPANESE GAME SHOW: Okay, I almost didn’t survive watching this. Ugh. Those "competitions" gave me a headache. Frankly, it made me want to watch Big Brother. While Bobaloo isn’t exactly doing great, I got tired of his teammates going on about how fat he is.
The Real World: Cancun: When Puck, er, Joey spit in his housemates taco, I figured there was no way the ep could recover. But I appreciated everyone came around at the end. (But what was Derek doing taking his side? Joey is a grade A ass.) That being said, does Jonna really think she’s fooling anyone with her "there’s nothing to worry about just because I can’t keep my hands of C.J." talk? Matt needs to ditch her ASAP.
Next page! Degrassi returns, and Betty White bonds with Kathy Griffin!
FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE!
Public Enemies starring Johnny Depp and Christian Bale opens on Friday. Billy Crudup stars as J. Edgar Hoover and Chandler Williams plays his lover Clyde Tolson. Alas, word is that Williams doesn’t even have a single word of dialogue.
Billy Crudup as J. Edgar Hoover
Friday night telly sees the return of Degrassi: The Next Generation while Jeffrey and Cole serve up another of their comedic dishes over on Logo.
Prince Jack seems to have come to terms with his sexuality on Kings, but he still might end up married to a woman. I guess we’ll have to see what happens on Saturday night.
True Blood is a repeat on Sunday night but The Next Food Network Star has a new outing.
Kathy Griffin leads off Monday’s line-up with guest star Betty White. Methinks Kathy’s hot streak is going to continue and I can’t wait to hear what comes out of Betty’s mouth.
The impish Betty White…
Also on Monday is Weeds, Nurse Jackie, The Secret Life of the American Teenager and a new episode of The Closer. It’ll be interesting to see if we learn anything more about the gay coroner. And Raising the Bar promises an interesting dinner between Charlie Sagansky and Judge Farnsworth.
Tuesday is the season finale of Beautiful People and I think it’s my favorite so far.
Wednesday is a new episode of I Survived a Japanese Game Show as well as The Real World: Cancun. Here’s hoping it’s better than this week’s.
And for those of you lucky enogh to live in the U.K., you get to watch Torchwood: Children of Earth starting on Monday. Bet you think you’re something special, don’t you? Well, we’re not jealous here in the states because we get to watch … um … well … okay, fine, we hate you! There I said it!
We will be posting short recaps the day after each episode so folks lucky enough to have seen (or desperate enough to discuss even without seeing!) can geek out on what goes down. We do ask that you don’t give anything away in your subject lines when commenting! And for those Yanks who need a Torchwood fix, why not check out some radio plays!
Of course, if something did happen that kept Torchwood from airing before we get to see it in the States, that would be such a shame…
Note, I’m not saying I want something bad to happen. Just that it might be karma at work if it does.
Next page! More gay M&Ms!
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
As I mentioned last week, we’re not going to be able to liveblog everything blogworthy on the soaps thanks to the explosion of gay characters on daytime television including dozens of us ’mos on As The World Turns, The Young and the Restless, and One Life to Live (only a slight exaggeration!). Knowing how much many of you are going to be hankering to discuss what went down on each day’s sudsers, we’ve decided to be introduce a new feature called Daytime Drive By.
Our own Ed Kennedy will be driving the brand spanking shiny feature which will recap each of the day’s soaps that don’t get liveblogged. We won’t be covering each show every day, but will cover whichever show has something of gay interest.
Look for Daytime Drive By to debut Monday afternoon!
Speaking of soap opears, Michael Logan of TVGuideMagazine interviewed yours truly for their article about the explosion of queer characters on daytime.
This week the Monkey answered a question about commercials featuring gay M&Ms. One of the ads we showed sadly had Yellow and Red breaking up, but it turns out this story actually had a happy ending as you’ll see in this clip.
Ah, true love! (Thanks to Whitetee for letting us know about the clip!)
Speaking of love, AfterElton.com reader Cassafrass recently got in touch with me because she would like to chat up a bunch of gay men. Maybe I should say chat with. She is a writer who wants to write for gay men, but first she’d really like to hear directly from us what we’d like to see in our gay fiction. If that sounds like your cup of tea, why not visit Cassafrass’ website and fill out her questionnaire!
Also the uber gay-friendly musician Rob Thomas has a new album out that might be worth checking out.
Finally, it’s the Fourth of July here in the States this Saturday, so we’re taking Friday off as a holiday. But we’ll be back bright and early on Monday with Everything Bagel to get the week started.
Now I’ll shut up so you can have the …