When life grants you a news item about Alicia Silverstone's love of chewing up sorghum and mouth-feeding it to her infant, you have two options: 1) Sit around and think about the gamey taste of Alicia Silverstone's kind saliva or 2) relish the resurgence (regurgitation?) of Alicia Silverstone in pop culture and totally re-watch Clueless. It has aged like a yellow-plaid version of the Hope Diamond, kids, stunning and streamlined even now. As we learned with Nine to Five last week, it's time we started awarding the mantle of "best movie ever" to films that actually matter to us. The movies we revisit, with ease. The movies that have nothing to do with bold auteurism or Charles Foster Kane, but important matters like bold humor, funny women, strong outfits, confidence, unpretentious smarts, and best of all, funny women again. Clueless may look and sound like a feature-length Luscious Jackson video set in Holmby Hills, but it's such an important moment in incisive cultural commentary, arch dialogue, and fun. Proper! Let's list all the reasons it's the Best Movie Ever.

For every classic quote, there are at least 10 other unbelievably funny, underrated quotes. Which is way existential.

Clueless has a meandering plot, but it's never aimless. And anyway, after The Muffs' "Kids in America" and David Bowie's "Fashion" kick off the movie, all I care about is watching 16-year-old Cher Horowitz (Alicia Silverstone) pal around Beverly Hills with her divine bestie Dionne (Stacey Dash, who looks and is 29), ogle hotties -- including her ex-stepbrother Josh (Paul Rudd) or douche-nozzle Elton (Jeremy Sisto), and whimper to her hothead attorney father (Oscar nom Dan Hedaya). I just want to watch these characters in their hypersaturated SoCal reality quip in Valley Girl pentameter. No need (yet) to restate the historical importance of quotes like "You're a virgin who can't drive" and "I'm totally buggin'." Here are ten other quotes that should be enshrined in designer storefronts and printed on U.S. currency.

10. Cher: "I felt impotent and out of control, which I really hate."

9. Cher [meaning Spartacus]: "Sporadacus."

8. Cher: "Where's my white collarless shirt from Fred Segal... It's my most capable looking outfit!"

7. Dionne, after Cher suggests taking frumpy newcomer Tai under their wing: "Cher, she is to' up. Our stock would plummet."

6. Cher: "As soon as I get my license, I fully intend to brake for animals."

5. Cher: "I have tried everything to convince [Mr. Hall] of my scholastic aptitude, but I was brutally rebuffed."

4. Cher: "Here's the 411 on Mr. Hall. He's single, he's 47, and he earns minor ducats at a thankless job."

3. Cher: "I had to give myself snaps for all the good deeds I was doing."

2. Cher: "Driving all the way is such a big decision. I can't believe I was so capricious about it."

1. Murray, Dionne's boyfriend: “[Christian's] a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy! He's gay!"

Which reminds me...

Cher's misidentification of a gay guy is totally believable.

High school is a time when a girl with self-confidence galore may still question herself when a gay dude turns her down in favor of a Tony Curtis viewing party. She may not recognize his gayness at all, partly because high school is sort of about realizing that gayness is real. When Cher can't piece together why the swaggering Christian's mall savvy and art appreciation prevent him from wanting to deflower her, I totally understand her confusion. Gayness isn't a real, interactive concept to her yet, so why should she see through him?

Cutest straight guy everrr!

I love that Cher's ex-stepbrother Josh is rightfully dismissive of Cher, yet always aware that she's funnier than he is. I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

The Ow-ow-Outfits

Thankfully, this point has been illustrated for me.

Brittany Murphy was hilarious, droll, and capable of a Marcia Gay Harden stankface.

I knew that before she died, and celebrated it. Did you? Repent.

It's not even fair to pick a Best Supporting Cast Member

Ms. Geist

But I'm making you anyway! Do you prefer Twink Caplan as the harried, frumpily bedraggled teacher Ms. Geist or Elisa Donovan as Cher's clinically sardonic colleague Amber?

Amber

Clueless is a smarter Wayne's World.

Cher Horowitz and fellow '90s superhero Wayne Campbell have a lot in common: They both reside in their parents' homes, namecheck unexpected adverbs ("totally" is a mutual favorite), and vaunt their own taste in babes. On the page, Cher seems like as much of a sketch caricature as Wayne Campbell, she's actually a conscientious, believable character whose best moments may be between quips, not when the punchline hits. The look on Cher's face when her driving instructor explains why she failed the test is just as funny as her bewildered response. This wouldn't be as big of a deal if Wayne's World didn't make $100 million more at the box office. I believe I'm allowed to be sore.

What if AfterElton is secretly named after the dastardly Elton in this movie? Would you giggle or die?

Any gay man or straight girl who grew up in the '90s believes Cher's revolving closet remains the epitome of glamor.

No words. And lastly...

Did I forget to mention that Alicia Silverstone gives one of the best performances of all time? Because that is an un-ironic, dead-serious comment.

Children, Alicia Silverstone is literally the Polaroid of perfection as Cher Horowitz, and I'm not just saying that because the Clueless TV theme told me so. The premasticator pinpointed and vivified all of Cher's conflicting attributes with grace, including her earnestness and flightiness, her personal awareness and cultural myopia, her self-possession and self-consciousness. It's that fine line between sincerity and satire, and Silverstone struts upon it in purple clogs.

The girl also nails every joke in the movie. Nails. It's easy to forget how innocuous some of this dialogue could sound coming out of another actor's mouth, but when Silverstone says, "I had to give myself snaps for all the good deeds I was doing," there's no hint of smugness or cynicism. She actually makes it as real and confessional as possible, which makes it funnier. And you know what? I regularly include Silverstone in my list of 10 Favorite Performances of All Time. Not joking. You want to see my current list? Be gentle with me, I'm feeling vulnerable! In fact, I'm buggin'.

1. Jane Fonda, They Shoot Horses, Don't They?

2. Sandy Dennis, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

3. Richard Burton, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

4. Peter MacNicol, Sophie's Choice

5. Ralph Fiennes, Quiz Show

6. Robert De Niro, The King Of Comedy

7. Grace Kelly, Rear Window

8. Julie Andrews, Victor/Victoria

9. Elizabeth Hartman, A Patch of Blue

10. Alicia Silverstone, Clueless

Pretty fab, no? Feel free to judge some of the weirder selections here and diagnose me with some psychological trauma. Or just bring up my omission of Bette, Meryl, and Liz Taylor's names and scream "As if!" at me. That also works.

Any other bits about Clueless you still cherish?