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“Big Brother” Finale Liveblog

We’ll be liveblogging tonight’s finale starting at 9:30 p.m. See you then!

What a season of Big Brother it's been! And you guys have made it great all the way through, slinging the snark like it's going out of style. (No way that'll ever happen.)

I had been thinking about how to christen the season 16 finale with a good intro. How about we look at this year's most disappointing showmances? This was an odd season in that area, to be sure, because nobody really is gonna leave the house hand-in-hand, and one showmance in particular got this writer all hot and bothered. In order of "importance" (totally air quoting), I give you: Big Brother's 6 Most Disappointing Showmances of Season 16.

1. Zankie. Oy, god. Sad on so many levels. And you know what? they started off strong and engaging, but with Frankie imploding about a third of the way through, they didn't have a chance in hell. Still, I think ZachAttack might be open to nailing Frankie after the show is over, just as a conquest. To make good on the nap boner. And if it's not Frankie, then somebody please give him my number.

2. Nicole & Hayden. Just kill me now. The dull-as-dishwater, slow-to-metastacize hammock-bonding had me bored beyond all reason. I didn't care about Nicole playing hard to get then, and I certainly couldn't give a rat's ass now. Hayden's just meh, and together they did nothing for me. Not even a tingle... despite Julie Chen's assertion that they were the hottest thing since Jeff & Jordan. No, honey. No.

3. Christine & Cody. This was creepy on so many levels. Christine flirt-cheating on her scrawny-geek husband who was actually a teeny bit creepy; Cody eating up the adulation like an attention-crazed teenager; and us secretly understanding why she did what she did, because well, Cody is Cody. the end.

4. Princess Airhead Victoria & Ineptitude. How is this gal a photographer? How does she know how to operate any type of electronic equipment? If you've read my LBs before, you know how much I've railed on her, but let's be real: she was STILL, as of last week, saying how much of a competitor she is and that she'll kill the next competition. "Victoria, please win something" was the exit line from Frankie, which pretty much sums up PAV in a nutshell.

5. Caleb & not-Amber. "Oh Caleb? Stalker calling, Line One for you." I reported awhile back that Caleb was working on a floral bouquet for Amber on finale night, so we'll see if he goes through with it. Caleb played the game with his wanker and it got him exactly nowhere but status as the longest-lasting muscle-floater the game's ever seen.

6. Frankie & anyone. Turns out that Miss Grande was a bit of a slut in the house, stroking the likes of not only my ZachAttack but also Caleb and Cody. Holy crap did that get old after a while. Honestly? If Frankie wasn't so obsessed with his own "celebrity" (remember: air quotes), he might have been able to navigate the game better, and he and ZachAttack would have a better chance of having babies. But that would require Frankie to be a somewhat honest player and a mature person in a game that rewards deceit.

On that last point, Derrick has coasted through this game as the trustworthy stalwart, the untouchable patriarch, all the while playing each and every side of the house masterfully. The only suspense of the evening seems to be whom will win America's fave player, and I'm thinking ZachAttack will take it.

What do you guys think after reading? Did I miss a showmance? Speak! We'll see you at 9:30 for snark, dish and reactions.

9:32 p.m. - and we're off! Julie Chen looking ravishing as per usual. now we're walking down memory lane, and the most exiting thing about this is ZachAttack's "Fruit Loop Dingus" comment. More memories, blah blah. Frankie's glitter throwing is like so three years ago. I have a visceral reaction whenever I see Devin. He's a creep and it's scary that someone actually agreed to spawn with him. Cheers to the final two—and Princess Airhead Victoria!

9:37 - our first "But first!" cut to the first HOH competition, and of course, PAV is in trouble before it started. "If Victoria wins, this would be a disaster." Did Derrick get paid to say that? Give me a break. "I lost a golden opportunity to control my fate in this game." Which was when, when you auditioned? PAV falls off almost immediately. Derrick expressing doubts about beating PAV is dumb, but it doesn't matter in the end. As I predicted, PAV fell off right away and Cody is victorious. And we're on break.

9:45 - and we're back. the only live competition is the last one? that's completely lame. anyway, we're being sent back to King Tut days. This competition is both endurance AND skill, and I say for (mercifully) the LAST time, PAV will lose. next. Derrick does have bragging rights about not being nominated, but it's still lame that he's getting cocky in the DR. Now on to PAV. Another prediction: PAV's time will be at least double or triple that of Derrick. CALLED IT! almost exactly double. The false-eyelashed PAV is done, theoretically.

9:51 - now with the jury discussing Beast Mode's exit with Dr. Will. Caleb debriefs the jurors about the Hitmen. Frankie and Caleb mixing it up and, actually, they're both right. Interesting that the jurors are skeptical and almost spiteful at Derrick's back-stabbing. "Ain't no sugar gon' come to this baby." Jocasta laying down the law! (spoiler alert: she made good on that promise.) Well of COURSE Christine is gonna speak up for Cody. Good god, Hayden... saying PAV is purposely "dumbing herself down" is absolutely lame and makes him the dumb one. "She really is that dumb"—yet another gem from my ZachAttack. and we're on break.

10:01 - we're back! final HOH beginning now. Sweet Jesus, PAV is wearing a dancer outfit from Solid Gold, inexplicably. questions begin. while the questions are running, I'm going to jump in the comments and see what you guys are saying.

On to a tie-breaker question! Wow, a nail-biter. No clue who will win this one—perhaps Derrick. WOW... those answers were DAMN close, and Cody takes it. This is a HUGE development, because Cody could excuse Derrick after being the anointed one. what do you guys think will happen? we're on break. gird your loins kids, it gets bumpy from here.

10:13 - and we're back. will Sexy Soccer Stud Cody make the big move or not? Nope. he just lessened his chances to win the $500K. oh and also, PAV is wearing white shoes after Labor Day. yet another reason why she should be excused. Now the debriefing begins with PAV, and it lasts about 6 seconds—about the time with Julie Chen she's earned. I'll give her one prop: she's got good posture sitting there with Julie. See guys, I can always find something nice to say. and we're on break.

10:20 - we're back! introducing the jurors. my ZachAttack looks fetching in flannel. Victoria sashayed out with a bit of a drag-queen strut. Questions start from the jurors now. Christine giggling like an idiot, but asked a good question. Cody just SCHOOLED Frankie on his question about being Derrick's puppet. I think he scored some points with that rebuff of the pink-coiffed one. Bless Beast Mode's heart stammering on his question. he's forgiven because he looks hawt doing it. Derrick back to bragging about not being nominated, and I'm starting to sense the tide turning against Derrick. He seems stiff and nervous. Oh how different this would be if PAV was sitting next to Cody, right? we're on break. is this night flying by, or is it me?

10:31 - back with the speeches from the final two HGs. Cody is speaking strong and confident. and he's 100% right. Derrick *repeating his arrogance about staying off the block seems less important than the critical role that Cody played in the overall game. voting begins. Jocasta is up first and she looks fabulous. "I guess fake praying really works, right?" Her vote is seemingly for Derrick? Dunno. ZackAttack is next and he basically gave away his vote, and was promptly reprimanded by Julie. Christine, doll, we don't believe that your decision was hard. sorry. Oy, Frankie has to twirl and suck up his last moment of CBS fame. whatever. Can we talk about how AMAZING Caleb's tush looks in those jeans? holy crap balls. hard to tell from those comments who will win, but it seems actually that Derrick might have a bit of an edge. "Secrets of the summer" coming up next. Whatever the hell that means.

10:40 - and with a welcome back to the stragglers who were excused early in the game, we now see all players on stage. Team America revealed. Why in the world did they ask dingbat Nicole whom she thought was in Team America? dumb... both her and the question. ZachAttack could *totally be Amanda Zuckerman's (albeit much, much sweeter) cousin. That Team America idea was a stroke of genius. This TA segment is too freakin long, except for Cody getting scared like a school girl. Nice to see Frankie and Zach sitting together, but we STILL have no debriefing about what happened in the jury house with a Zankie reunion. Derrick comes clean about being a poh poh, and they cut to his audition interview. Fart—not into it. Seems like every year we've had someone in the house who chain-smoked, but not this year. Will next season be the year of the eCigarette? and we're on break, just before the winner is announced with America's Favorite Player.

10:50 - and the big reveal begins. I got Jocasta's vote wrong. Christine voting for Derrick? now I'm totally confused. and Derrick is, in fact, the winner. The anointed one has taken the prize. So the cynic in me is thinking I got snookered by producers who were upping the drama in that taped-jury discussion, talking about how Cody played a better game, blah blah. Derrick won the money, but it wasn't the slam dunk folks (including me) originally thought. what I want to know is how the other two votes broke down. and we're on break before America's Favorite Player is named.

10:56 - turns out Derrick won 7-2. now America's Favorite HG, and the winner will take home 25Gs. 10 million votes? Wow. and Donny takes it! Congrats to IFlipforRizzles for calling it. We agree that it was probably a close one between Donny and ZachAttack.

That's a wrap for the season guys! You've been a ton of fun and I hope we can dish again next summer for Big Brother 17, and maybe on another show soon. Meantime, have a great rest of your 2014 and remember: leave the phony baloney to the HGs of Big Brother. Be real and good to each other, always.

From outside the Big Brother house (far, far outside), that's it from me. Thanks again for joining me and making these weeks so much fun.

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