When I sat down to watch Big Brother’s 15th season finale, I forgot that I’d be in for an absurd, deeply ironic comedy. Because guess what? The idea that either GinaMarie or Spencer would somehow win this season over Andy, who successfully avoided the wrath of simpering homophobes and caterwauling Gorgons while using all of those people to his advantage, is downright laughable. And yet, there was a chance we’d see just that.
In the final multi-part competition, GinaMarie qualified to be the final HOH in a wacky roller disco challenge as she ably decimated knock-kneed foes Andy and Spencer. They were so bad, their constant bobbling and tripping actually looked like cool dancing. You almost wanted to yell, “WERQ” at Spencer until it was apparent he was just choking on vomit and falling down. Andy had a couple of moves that looked like neurotic vogueing. Turns out he was just flailing into a wall (while vogueing).
Thankfully, Andy won the second part of the HOH challenge — a timed wall-climbing event where he beat Spencer by roughly 15 months — and that meant Andy and GinaMarie were set to face off on Wednesday night’s episode for the chance to evict the last member of the glorious, beautiful, padded-walled Jury House. Shockingly, in a final duel that required memory and thinking skills, Andy won. He evicted Spencer, then sat with GinaMarie and argued to be the season’s victor to surprisingly reasonable jury. GinaMarie spoke to the jury too, sometimes even using words.
You see what I’m getting at?
Andy won Big Brother! In a 7-2 vote! Hooray for The Queer Quisling! He’s the first gay winner in the show’s history, and I’ve been arguing that he’s the one to beat for over a month now. There is a lot of internet fury about Andy’s win, and as I understand it, they do not like that he is “two-faced” and “a rat.” That’s actually code for “I wanted someone else to win, and Andy screwed that person over, and that person kind of liked it.” It’s also code for, “I am a horrible Big Brother fan,” because two-faced rattiness is what this horrifying show is all about. Andy was a stealthy, swift double agent who was constantly aware of the shifting dynamics in the house and where to place himself within them. Guess who wasn’t aware of those shifting dynamics? Nick. Amanda. Elissa. Helen. Every houseguest who play-acted as Janelle Pierzina, constantly reminding us of how strong they were. They weren’t.
There’s some similar weeping about the fact that Andy “said terrible things in the house.” OK, he said the C-word. That is a word I understand objecting to. Sure. And after Elissa left the house, he went on a mean verbal streak about her. But as #BB alum Ragan Fox noted in a great essay on Andy, Amanda tried slamming a door on Elissa’s head. Others blabbed in an unending racist diatribe for weeks. To decide that Andy’s behavior is the most offensive we’ve seen? Is ridiculous. And the people who complain about him are spewing just as many “crocodile tears” as they accuse Andy of shedding, except hilariously, they think they mean it.
Andy played his hand perfectly this game, cautiously manipulated every loose cannon in the house, executed each move successfully, and he knew it. That’s his biggest crime — not playing the game like a swaggering Dan Gheesling or a volatile chatterbox like Rachel Reilly, and knowing it could lead him to victory. (And by the way: Rachel Reilly only won her season because she hid behind Brendon, Jordan, AND Jeff. If you thought McCrae was a floater for letting Amanda shroud him — and you should think that! — you should extend similar skepticism towards The Magenta-Haired Menace.) It is bizarre that supposed Big Brother fans can’t grasp there are many different ways to play, particularly in a season that required maneuvering around furious blowhards who can’t stop yelling “J’accuse!” at the nearest person who objects to their bellowing.
Before I move on, my last magical reason for loving Andy is: He hates fans of Brenchel. Sigh. That’s what intelligence sounds like.
Now, let’s talk about the amazing panel of evicted houseguests and what we learned from them.
Who gave us the most damning perspective on the game? Howard.
Julie Chen looked to Howard and asked him how he felt about the game as he watched it from home. Howard, a little dumbstruck, murmured about home viewer reaction and “the severity with which some of the comments were taken.” Julie Chen hit him with a slightly eager follow-up question: “WHICH COMMENTS, HOWARD? THE FAMOUS RACIST ONES?” He concurred. The somberness of his tone indicated that he actually couldn’t believe the depth of the audience’s anger, or more importantly the depth of the comments made in the game. We’d been waiting to see the other contestants catch up on this for weeks.
How helpful was a Jury House intervention from Dr. Will? Not much.
Big Brother alum Dr. Will sat with all the big losers of season 15 and asked them to talk about whether Andy, GinaMarie, or Spencer should win the series. Andy’s gameplay made for a spirited discussion. GinaMarie’s gameplay made for a couple of fearful concerns for Nick Uhas’ safety. Spencer’s gameplay led to everyone quitting the discussion, falling out of their chairs, and doing tripods for fun.
Does Candice still make blunt references to “Candy Land”? YES.
Now, look: I totally want tickets to Candice’s Candy Land. I want a season pass. I even want a hopper ticket to the nearby waterpark Hurricane Candy. I love her. But there is a time and a place for screaming about “Candy Land” (much the way Tim Meadows as Erykah Badu crowed about “Badu Land” on SNL), and I wish she gave it up for maaaaaaybe three years. It was kind of cute the way she said she didn’t like Amanda and therefore wouldn’t “invite her to Candy Land,” but let’s begin a simple 1,095-day ban on that phrase. OK? Starting now.
Does Jessie still feel jilted about Andy voting her out? Sort of.
Jessie’s question to Andy, when she was given the mic, was basically a coded version of, “WHY WOULD YOU BE SO TWO-FACED IN A GAME LIKE BIG BROTHER, ANDY? YOU’RE ALL I HAVE.” But shockingly, she ended up voting for Andy to win the whole game. Only Aaryn, who pledged allegiance to GinaMarie’s Cheri Oteri-as-Snooki personality from the beginning, and Judd, who doesn’t understand things, voted for GinaMarie to win.
Who were we reminded to love more? Helen.
In case it’s not clear, the true worst person in the house is probably Jeremy. He was slain rather quickly, so we didn’t get to see the extent of his hedgehog-headed wrath, but when Helen reminded us about what an “emotional reaction” she had to Jeremy’s terrible behavior, it made me just love her all over again. She has been the game’s unerring stateswoman.
How did GinaMarie try arguing that she should win $500,000?
Like this: “Youze guys know all I can be is the best GinaMarie out there. I was GinaMarie the whole game. Me. Myself, I gotta be GinaMarie. GM. Big GinaMarie. Straight Outta GinaMarie. I know youze guys think all I did was nominate Amanda and McCrae one week. But really! Honestly! I also planned to put up Amanda and McCrae. So you has to consider that. Plus, NICK, UMF, BOY I MISS HIM. Can’t wait to smell Nick’s face and show him the Nick statue I made out of a cereal box and glue, which was just congealed tears. ME. GINAMARIE. ME. YOU. THANK YOU. TO ME.”
Gotta love her chutzpah? To be honest, she was a total embarrassment in front of the jury, and with more planning, she probably could’ve saved herself some humiliation. Andy mowed her down like, well, a qualified speech professor. I’ll be!
And finally, who did America pick as “America’s Favorite Houseguest”?
The top three vote-getters were (get this?) Elissa, Judd, and Howard. Guys, what is the big effing deal with Judd? As I’ve stated previously, he did nothing in the game and couldn’t even do nothing right! He was voted out the first time for doing nothing too suspiciously! That is bad nothingness. Anyway: Elissa won the $25,000 prize for America’s Favorite Houseguest. Because of her built-in fanbase that propelled her through three ridiculous MVP rounds, I suspect. I will give her props for calling out McCrae’s shoddy gameplay in the Jury House though. She may not have been able to commit to a singular effective plan in the game, but she knows half-assed gameplay and I’m psyched she identified it as Amanda’s face rapidly turned to stone, then lava, then a pizza for McCrae to nuzzle.
And that brings us to the end of #BB15. Are you satisfied with the outcome? Why wouldn’t you be? Are you mad that Andy’s smarter than you? Stay pressed and not cute. May Zingbot’s dulcet tones heal you. Xo.