As much as I enjoy watching Amanda, once the no-nonsense, naughty babysitter-type of the house, turn into the most heinous houseguest in a season that should really be called Big Brother 15: The Heinosity, I have to say that I found Big Brother terribly uncomfortable last night. Every moment of it. Elissa’s inability to lie to Amanda bothered me. Aaryn’s tearful despair bothered me. Obviously Amanda’s Rhubarb Lady-drunk-on-rhubarb-absinthe meltdown bothered me. And weirdly — and perhaps most of all — Andy’s weak attempt to console Elissa after the Amanda diatribe and endear her to his side bothered me. Face it, Big Brother 15 is the Breaking Bad of reality TV: Everyone in it is a tad despicable (or more!), and it makes for a harrowing and fascinating ride.
Luckily, we were treated to a few quotable quotes from our twisted brigade of houseguests. Here were my five favorites of the episode. Please take a moment to gasp and cry at the bizarrely awful ones.
1. Aaryn to GinaMarie, on Elissa: “You can’t trust her. Like, you can feel it in your gut when you talk to someone, and I feel like when I’m talking to her, I’m looking into Hell.”
I don’t know why it took me this long to figure out, but Aaryn is best described as one of the popular Catholic school girls who mocks Mary Katherine Gallagher for being weird. She’s blonde, blue-eyed and proud of being homecoming queen at St. Monica’s, but she secretly believes in the wrath of Satan more than Mary Katherine, and maybe she too sticks her fingers under her arms and smells them — but in religious ecstasy, in a Piper-Laurie-in-Carrie kind of way.
Needless to say when Aaryn muttered, “…When I’m talking to her, I’m looking into hell,” I laughed gloriously like Cruella here. Aaryn is clearly someone who has never felt obligated to articulate herself with any amount of death, because she basically aborted her cohesive thought in favor of ending a sentence with “hell.” I imagine this is a normal occurrence for Aaryn. “Aaryn, how are you today?” her mother might ask blithely. “Well, I’m so angry, I’m about to HELL, MOTHER. HELL.” Now picture two twin Andys appearing in a hallway muttering “REDRUM” in Aaryn’s direction. For some reason I’m glad I told you to do that.
2. GinaMarie: “Amanda is the female version of Jeremy.”
I can’t believe GinaMarie may have voiced the most chillingly true statement of the episode. I also can’t believe how we lucky we are that Jeremy isn’t on the show anymore, because he is what we in the reality TV recapping biz call “irredeemable scum.” Indeed, Amanda has taken on Jeremy’s worst traits: entitlement, loudness, unabashed bullying tendencies, and the likability of SATAN AND HELL (sorry, I’m really getting into this Aaryn character sketch). I’m not saying GinaMarie is the wisest character ever — in fact, I’m more likely to suggest she is just a big cactus wearing Underarmour — but this was an apt moment for her. Even a broken alarm clock like GinaMarie is right twice a day.
3. Judd: “It’s so hot out there I can’t hardly keep my breath straight.”
Please say that sentence out loud. If you aren’t crippled by your screaming laughter and regular old screams, we have nothing in common.
Judd, I get that you’re out of breath during the extremely tedious P.O.V. game (where Elissa, Aaryn, McCrae, Amanda, Judd, and GinaMarie rolled Skee-Balls up and down a ramp 250 times in a row, not kidding — and Amanda emerged victorious, rather ominously), but let’s maybe describe that situation using words that fit together. Or words that mean something. Or words that have ever met each other before. Judd is such a strange and perfect odd-man-out cast member. If this were The Real World: Seattle, he’d be Irene, but Irene with way less thoughts and way more turtle-faced bewilderment. He is so a David Letterman impersonation of a hick. You do have to love that.
4. Zingbot: “There’s a ghost in the house. It’s got a high-pitched wail, it’s pasty white and loves to float. Oh, wait, that’s Andy! Zing!”
All hail the return of Zingbot, the electronic, wisecracking intruder who wakes everybody out of their Xanax-and-more-Xanax coma using the power of jokez, because he is arguably the most human presence in the house every single season. I laughed when he made a Fatal Attraction joke about GinaMarie’s fatal attraction to Nick, and I thought the “tramp stamp” joke about Amanda was pretty good. But like Andy himself, I was stung by his insistence that Andy is a floater. This whole house has floated, Zingbot. Don’t you see that with your polyurethane eyes? Suddenly because Andy isn’t a part of any super-obvious power alliances, he’s floating? Newsflash: The floater of this season is McCrae. We must still be coasting on the fumes of his HOH win from week one, because he’s accomplished close to nothing in the house besides actively hiding behind Lady MacManda. This brings me to the quote of the episode, and potentially the whole season:
5. Andy: “I need Amanda and McCrae’s loyalty this week, and in turn, I will not be giving them my loyalty from this point on. Because Amanda and McCrae have gotten me this far, but I’m not playing this game for third place and it’s time to get rid of them.”
Unless I’m counting wrong, it looks to me like Andy is going to survive this elimination. Elissa put him up after Amanda took down McCrae (while calling Elissa a tramp, of course), and Aaryn is rightfully running scared. As I’ve long predicted, if Andy survives this week I think he will become a major threat to win the whole game. His vocal promise to upend Amanda’s reign is so promising, because he’s making the biggest game move at the right time. This isn’t Helen rallying three weeks early. This isn’t Nick Uhas forming an alliance for no reason. This is Andy seizing the right numbers, aiming at the right target, and vaulting himself against an overconfident enemy right when the game is becoming winnable. Love this guy — even if his weak attempt to woo Elissa away from putting him for eviction was annoying and, frankly, his worst performance to date. I guess I should be thankful it wasn’t as annoying as Amanda’s hollered speech about Elissa’s collagen lips and Botoxed forehead. (There was a whole edited-out section about Elissa’s family too, including her “78-year-old husband” and how her kid is “a b–wjob that ended up in the wrong hole.” Yi-i-ikes. What a “move,” Amanda. Despicable. And maybe worse, unfunny.)
So: Who’s going home? Is it Aaryn or Andy? Enlighten me.