The good news about Big Brother 15? Well, Amanda is obviously too powerful at the moment, and that could mean we’re headed into a Whodunnit?-type situation where the house blacks out, lightning crashes, and an underling stabs Amanda with the gardener’s clippers before hiding her rubies in the ice chest. Then maybe authorities arrive and discover the killer hiding under the pool table, and it turns out to be — you guessed it — Julie Chen disguised as the chef. I’m pumped for this! Yay!
The bad news? Unless we’ve got a cold-blooded murderer still lurking in the house, Amanda will continue kicking everyone’s ass. Who’s stopping her? Aaryn tried to fight with her on Wednesday’s show but then decided to just weep; Helen isn’t on to Amanda’s gigantic scheme; Andy cowers to Amanda’s every whim; McCrae is Amanda’s bored babysitter; Elissa has spent the past four weeks arranging a single frown; Spencer spends most of his time muttering, “I’m a pawn, aren’t I?” to his molted beard hairs; and GinaMarie is just a crayon drawing of a caterpillar. I don’t see much changing in the coming week, even with an eliminated castoff hustling his/her way back into the house. Here’s hoping Candice gets back in, screams at everyone for being so dreadful and , and then naps by the front door for days at a time waiting to be let out again.
As it is, it appears that Helen — still on the block from Aaryn’s HOH nominations — is on her way home, and Spencer will sit through another elimination as the potential evictee without a name. Almost drastically unimportant, his arc this season. Though we may be on the verge of an inevitable vote, we still learned five unexpected things from Wednesday’s episode. Get out your Oprah-brand Life Journals because there’s teachable sh*t going on here.
1. No one falls down like GinaMarie.
So, nothing could be less surprising than this, but GinaMarie falls on her face like a real champ. Perfect faceplants. Like, old-school slapstick chops. Jerry Lewis level. When GinaMarie tried to participate in this week’s Veto competition (sponsored by the legendary Big Brother superstar OTEV, who morphed into a big, crying beaver for this year’s cameo), she trudged through mud with the agility and quick wits of Snooki, then collapsed for what seemed like days. It was like watching a remake of the basic training scenes in Private Benjamin starring an animated cactus in the Goldie role. Thank you, GinaMarie, for being so unaware of what a gift you are.
2. Aaryn is still #BB15’s biggest potential spoiler.
Yeah, Aaryn may have cowered at the last moment after a blowout with Pain Duchess Amanda about wine distribution, but she truly seriously almost really considered throwing her “3 A.M.” crony up for elimination. She did. You could tell it was on her mind. Smothering her mind, since her mind is thumbtack-sized. She admitted she’s afraid of Lady MacManda, but I think Aaryn is ultimately the type who embraces the bigness of “a game move” (remember the twisted, comforted grin on her face when Helen assured her she was the new Janelle?), and therefore she still has the potential to upend this game. I already feel goaded into rooting for this asinine lady, even though (if memory serves) she spent her first month in this house shouting hatecore lyrics while GinaMarie sprinted around her in Juggalo makeup. I guess I’m hoping for something unexpected to happen in this damn house, and if it means Aaryn does something drastic, then I’ll tepidly cheer that.
3. Elissa has a skill.
Uh, did you see that POV competition? Did you see Elissa’s remarkable and sudden speed? No, you didn’t, because Elissa defied space and time. She wore yoga pants made out of the Concorde and sonic boomed to everywhere. In one memorable moment, she vaulted past Helen, who was essentially touching the finish line, and beat her to the end. I don’t know about you, but it bothers me that Elissa has any abilities whatsoever. She is a shrugging Rachel Reilly doppelganger whose only superpower is a commitment to Latisse, and I need her to represent that post better. When she sneaks in this “competitiveness” and “talent” and “human drive to succeed,” I get confused. Stop it, girl! Thanks.
4. Andy’s ruthless friendliness is slipping.
Dear Andy: When Helen, who is more in the dark about her upcoming elimination than I expected, snarks at you about how hard you worked to save her, you need to do better than to mutter, “…Yeah…” in her general direction. Come on. Helen is intuitive. Or rather, aware that she is playing a game. You’ve worked hard to be friends with every living organism in the house — I bet you even exchanged numbers with OTEV — and when you make obvious slip-ups, you look like the laziest sociopath ever. Thrive on your insidious gay tricks, please! You have them! Maybe Andy is losing faith in his own deceptiveness. He needs a spiritual boost! Ugh, if only he knew about Wentworth Miller. This sucks.
5. I’m not ready for Helen to go.
You can pretend that Helen has played a shoddy, manipulative game, but the fact is, she’s only pointed homeward because Amanda and McCrae happened to scoop up Andy and Aaryn as teammates. Her early game moves may have been drastic, but they were still worthy of respect. And no one in that house disrespects Helen, even if she over-enunciates at everyone like she can only communicate via Wendy’s drive-thru intercom. Obviously she has a slight chance of earning her way back into the house tomorrow evening, but if she doesn’t, I’d say she’s played a remarkable game — one of blatant machinations and guile, intelligence and brashness, stoicism and weepiness. She’s a one-of-a-kind Big Brother star. I hope she’s invited back for a super-special “Houseguests With A Three-Digit IQ” season.
What are your thoughts on Wednesday’s ep? Is Helen fer sure going home? Why can Elissa outrun vampires? Can’t you tell GinaMarie is one of those people who gets too excited about crayons?