“Big Brother” Recap: Ranking The 8 Remaining Whackjobs

Big Brother Jessie

I’ll be honest: I’m too annoyed with the idea of Candice, Judd, or Jessie reentering the house to even consider the possibilities Julie Chen’s announced “twist.” Don’t ever bring people back, Big Brother. I’m having flashbacks of Brendon from #BB13 and now brain cells are issuing from my skull like pillow feathers. We have an interesting (and eerily subdued) octet left in the running, and before Julie can disrupt the buzz with a returning player, let’s rank the eight remaining houseguests’ chances of winning.

8. GinaMarie: This week GinaMarie radically improved her game by wearing glasses. After all, glasses are for smart people. Who’s smart now? GinaMarie is the answer. Or as I call her now: Bigtime Glasses Genius. When she fought with Aaryn this week, she only screamed many nonsense ideas as opposed to tons. That is a vast improvement. Who can stop her now? LITERALLY WHO? Besides everyone, because there is no way GinaMarie can win this game. At all. Ever.

7. Elissa: I can’t believe Elissa upended her gameplay by speaking this week. How out of character can one person be?! As Helen’s assigned Other Helen, Elissa’s been perfectly inanimate for the past month, with little ambition to become a force or player or noun in the house. Maybe she’s destined for a last-minute coup, but in the meantime she’s a saddlebag that I assume Helen is willing to cut loose sooner than later.

6. Spencer: The most affable, chummy pawn in the game. I respected Spencer’s instinct to play defiantly during last week’s POV competition, and I like him even more during confessionals, where his suspicions about the house’s big players are usually right. I just wish he could emerge as something of a threat, an allied gamer with targets to fell.

5. Andy: He played his HOH turn with unwavering restraint, and maybe that’ll turn out to be the right move soon. It’s easy to wonder if he should’ve taken out a major threat like Helen, but the fact is that no one is attacking Andy right now. And no one even has secret plans to attack Andy. But of course, that’s exactly the style of gameplay enacted by Judd, and guess where he is now? Still baffled and crawling around in the Big Brother studio audience.

4. Amanda: Lady Amanda Macbeth keeps sprinting back into carnage, damning her enemies, and basically showering in the bloodshed of her own bloodcurdling cries. She is seriously mad, but in that way she’s the game’s only active fighter, and even if she’s a huffy, immature bully at this point, you have to respect her sheer gall. Surely she’ll be targeted well before her boyfriend, though, and that may be her undoing.

3. Helen: Helen is both a canny player and a clear threat. Jessie’s meek, marble-mouthed attempt to destroy her game was laughable, but I’ll give the girl credit — now the house is utterly aware of Helen’s double-crossing instincts. Maybe it’s not enough to derail The Woman Who Can’t Stop Talking To Us Like A Condescending Kindergarten Teacher In The Diary Room — especially since Helen is pretty clever when cornered — but it’d be bizarre if the alliance of McCrae, Aaryn, Andy, and Amanda didn’t make another attempt on her life soon.

2. McCrae: He’s the real floater in the Big Brother house, but no one would ever call him that. I guess that’s smart gameplay? McCrae spends most of his time chastising Amanda’s gameplay, and I’ll call that a noble pursuit. I wish he had any intention of forcefully overhauling some of his competitors, but in this Cold War of a season, maybe McCrae’s sly, simpering approach to victory may be best.

1. Aaryn: You heard her. That’s four HOHs. Who can argue with that level of rally prowess? Who can argue against the fact that Aaryn worked her way from the bottom up, rebounding from her horrible reputation to become an active, well-ingratiated player? I’m not saying I like Aaryn (because she is, after all, a bigoted Babs Bunny doppelganger with glass shards for a soul), but she’s been on a smooth upward arc since her near-death spiral. And she is in the perfect alliance to win this game. Sorry if this obvious, resonant revelation ruins your day.

Who would you rank #1?