I’ve long exalted the greatness of annoying reality stars. I wouldn’t watch reality TV without annoying stars. In fact, the only way a reality star can establish himself as un-annoying is if he, too, finds his annoying fellow cast members annoying. Then we relate to him. And love him. Until the reunion special when we find out he’s full of himself and tans too much and cares about skateboarding or something. Shiver.
But Big Brother 15 has an interesting dilemma: Every cast member is threatening to be the most heinous specimen in Julie Chen’s rococo petri dish. Based on last night’s episode alone, almost every single houseguest could be the worst. But who is the worst? Let’s figure it out. It’s like a murder mystery where the dead party guest is brain cells.
Ranked backwards for your entertainment, the six most annoying cast members of Sunday night’s gossipfest.
I actually admire Amanda’s snarly offensiveness from a gameplay standpoint, which puts me at odds with former BB champ Dan Gheesling, who tweeted that he thinks Amanda and Helen are playing the worst game in the house. Truth is, for the most part Amanda’s alpha edge works for her. She offsets it with a welcome sense of humor and perspective, and in those lighter moments it’s easy to forget that she’s Lady Macbeth in a one-piece swimsuit. I only start to cringe when she removes herself from her regal perch alongside McCrae and gets into awfully petty arguments with people like Jessie. I mean, did she have to devour Jessie for being a predictably dumb game player? Is it really incomprehensible that Jessie would want to vote Amanda out of the house? McCrae was right to tell Amanda how poorly she came off in their lengthy, unfunny spat. As much as Amanda would like to, she actually can’t instill fear into other players. They can always find a way to rally against her, particularly at this stage of the game. The people who win Big Brother are routinely the players who can find a way to comfort everybody, and right now, Amanda’s feral instincts are driving her diametrically away from being that player.
Yukon Cornelius stumbled upon a megaphone during the HOH challenge and wielded it like Sue Sylvester on club drugs. Jesus. Did he have to bludgeon us with the megaphone shtick during the diary room confessionals too? I was over it immediately. Thankfully, Big Brother knew not to subject us to much of his prop comedy, otherwise he’d quickly earn the nickname Carrot Flop, and I’d enjoy that.
Maybe it’s just the way the show is edited, but when Helen approached HOH challenge winner GinaMarie (!), grabbed her by the shoulders, and exclaimed how thrilled she was for her victory because GinaMarie never gives herself credit and always puts herself down, I gurgled with rage. Helen is so phony and so unwilling to exhibit any believable emotion that her attempt at empathy felt like a farce (a la Carrot Top, the star of this countdown). Why the constant giggle-screaming, Helen? The childish cheerleading? The kindergarten teacher elocution? At this point I admire but hate having to stomach Helen’s ferocious maneuvering. She sometimes comes off as less sincere than even Howard, and his only true alliances were with God and nonsense.
Seemed like GinaMarie really wanted to be the most annoying player in the house last night, but even her darnedest, most theatrical efforts to dredge up feelings for Nick (Yes, she kissed his black-and-white portrait in the hall again) weren’t enough to land her at #1. When she won HOH, I was shocked at how absolutely predictable everything in her HOH room was: self-tanner, hair dye, a copy of Christina Aguilera’s Stripped — everything you’d expect to hear about on a GinaMarie parody Twitter account. You know she’s booty-clapped to “Dirrty” more times than is advisable or legal. It’s not safe to grind in assless chaps without a responsible adult like Redman present.
What a colossally terrible episode for Jessie, whose blandness had served her well until I realized she needed to make a drastic game move. Instead of endearing herself to her castmates, Jessie peeved Aaryn with her loud backbiting, infuriated Amanda by taking part in an anti-Amanda campaign, and ended up seeming more alone than even Candice, who is pretty damn alone right now, Kevin McAllister-style. Worse, her verbal melee with Amanda didn’t have to happen. Jessie insisted on getting mad at Helen for not inviting her to a lame barbecue she’d won as a consolation prize, and instead of writing her woes down in a secret journal where we’d never have to hear it, Jessie waxed jilted to everyone who’d listen. Except no one listened. They just allowed her to talk while she made no friends and fewer good points. Her lowest moment was her attempt at ending the fight with Amanda. Quoth the great debater Jessie: “Whatever, BIEEEE.” Ugh. Indeed.
She barely did anything on Sunday’s episode, and still I have to declare Aaryn the most annoying houseguest. It has to do with… that face. That entitled, always-unamused, allergic-to-shame mug. Jessie could funnel all of her most annoying thoughts into a kazoo, and still it wouldn’t grate on me like the presence of Aaryn. My least favorite thing about her? She doesn’t appear to be on the outs in any way. She is downright safe in that house right now, all thanks to Helen. If you didn’t attempt to rip off your own face as Aaryn told GinaMarie who to nominate for eviction, you’re probably not human. Or maybe your face is just naturally contorted into deep shame, and you don’t need to rip it off at the moment because it’s expressing the right anger. Fine, in that case.