I said I wasn’t ready for Helen to leave the Big Brother house, and not just because I’d like to see her scold Andy to “be the man McCrae is” yet again: Helen represented something of a Big Brother ideal to me. She was sincere and a total liar. She was completely willing to scheme, yet wary of pettiness. She was cool and square. She could be anything at any given moment, and that’s what I like in a Big Brother champ. She might be a sociopath, is what I’m saying. A socialpath. That should be the official UrbanDictionary word for a Big Brother houseguest.
Unfortunately, Helen was booted from the house in a 4-1 vote over Spencer The Chopping Block Mascot. She was devastated, but she ultimately knew the score. She always did, with the exception of her phony alliance with McCrae and Andy. But as I stated once before, Helen was a wise choice for elimination not because of her power in the house, but because she’ll be an ideal jury member when the time comes. Unlike Amanda, who would need to be Valium-fed and manually cajoled into voting for someone else’s victory, Helen will simply vote for the right person, even if it’s that queer quisling Andy who deserves the win. God, I will pay anybody reading this to call me a queer quisling sometime. Thanks in advance!
But heeeeey: Unlike most elimination episodes, we still have a mystery on our hands to think about. One of the four most recently ousted houseguests is about to win a chance to play the game again, and I’ve decided this can be a great thing. Let’s put on our deerstalkers, raise our magnifying glass to these four potential returnees, and hopefully deduce which is worthiest of reentry into Julie Chen’s Glitzy Adderall Ranch. Thankfully, I’ve ranked the candidates from worst to first.
Can you picture Jessie triumphantly striding back into Chenbot Villa? In a way, I can. I picture her addressing everybody at once, staring each of them in the eye, and announcing, “Guys? I did some thinking at the jury house, and I turned it into a poem. It seriously won’t take time to read, just give me 45 seconds, please. Please.” But by the time she finishes that sentence, Amanda’s already well into her fourth nap of the day, and the rest of the houseguests have scurried away into the attic, or under low tables or an aquarium. Jessie just doesn’t have the chutzpah to turn this game into her own, and she doesn’t even have enough valuable information to a be spoiler for someone else’s game (the way she was for Helen’s last week).
Judd was eliminated in such a nonsensical panic last week that I want him to stay eliminated for that reason. Judd’s ho-hum demeanor would probably make me go crazy and get defensive in a game like Big Brother, and I sort of love that he was eliminated in a blitz of overreactive zeal. When you underreact to everything, you’ve earned that backdooring. As a competitor, Judd could be ferocious if he reentered the game, though. I picture him being much more direct this time around.
Candice is a blazing smokestack full of screams and panicked whispers, and if you don’t want that back in the game, shame on you. Unlike everyone else in the house, she won’t just call out Amanda — she’ll bellow over Amanda while firing a Nerf rifle at GinaMarie’s face. Ohhhhhh, I need more of Candice up against GinaMarie. So much more. Candice would just reenter the house, stare GinaMarie in her scorched beige-yellow visage, and shout amazing things like, “Oh, GinaMarie! This is about to feel like home for you, because you’re a 33-year-old living in MY HOUSE and I’m YOUR NEW MOM and the rent is YOUR LIFE.” Then out of nowhere she’d call a full house meeting and declare GinaMarie her deadbeat son who needs to be voted into the streets this minute. I’m not saying Candice would win the game, but she’d tell the truth and mean it — constantly.
In a season that, so far, has been defined by a Cold War between two superpowers — Amanda and Helen — I’m not ready for their endless, barely uttered rivalry to end. And I’m certainly not ready for Helen to be the loser; her only slip-up in the game has been trusting Andy, and I think she deserves reentry into the game so she can finally — in front of us, without reservation — realize how much he has tricked her. Because Andy played the hellllll out of Helen, and I’d love to see him squirm out of a confrontation with her this time around.
Who should reenter the house? Please phrase your vote in the form of a finger-snapping, neck-swiveling Candice rant.