We’re all breathless with anticipation about Kanye West and Kardashian’s baby, but there's really no need to guess what the future has in store for that little bundle of Givenchy. With legions of famous offspring to observe (Liza Minnelli, Bobbi Kristina Brown, Suri Cruise, et al) we can predict with eerie precision how this new addition to the tabloidiest family in America will turn out.

Below, a timeline of America's next top celebutante and her future best and worst moments.

[caption id="attachment_104843" align="alignright" width="186"] A highly scientific rendering of Khatastrophye Kardashian-West[/caption]

12 December, 2013: Khatastrophye Southeast Kardashian-West is born six months late, already sporting a full head of luscious hair, three sets of false eyelashes and suspiciously plump lips.

1 September, 2016: After a lengthy vetting process, Khatastrophye chooses to attend preschool at the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Institute for Girls via Skype.

4 June, 2018: An unattended Khatastrophye splatters all of Grandma Kris’ wigs with bleach, spawning a new trend of “splotched” hairstyles.

28 March, 2021: Khatastrophye signs the contract for her first reality show, The Real Third Graders of Beverly Hills.

3 January, 2023: When Kim and Kanye separate (much later than anyone anticipated), Khatastrophye writes a song to express her anguish. It peaks at Number Five on the Billboard pop charts—even though it's only the word “no” shouted repeatedly over the default iPhone ringtone.

17 May, 2025: Khatastrophye does a tell-all interview on America’s most popular late-night infotainment program, Real Talk with a Bionic Replica of Barbara Walters. Due to a programming malfunction, however, the questions focus almost exclusively on the rules of traditional croquet.

8 November, 2025: Croquet becomes the most-played game in the country, with Khatastrophye serving as spokesmodel for a line of luxury mallets.

11 April, 2028: An online course helps Khatastrophye build a genetically-enhanced tortoise in her bathtub using DNA collected from local parking lots. She names the specimen Shelly.

25 May, 2031: Khatastrophye delivers the keynote address at her high-school graduation, even though she finished in the bottom three percent of her class. The topic: choosing an eye shadow that projects competence.

16 February, 2032: After only a few months of classes, Khatastrophye announces that she will be dropping out of Bryn Mawr to focus on scrapbooking.

18 March, 2034: Khatastrophye is stopped outside a party at Chloë Grace Moretz’s house when security cannot find her name on the guest list. She downplays her subsequent arrest, assuring reporters that she was carrying “like, not even that much” black tar heroin.

5 July, 2037: Following a long night of partying, Khatastrophye is filmed having an intense conversation with a particularly understanding lawn sprinkler. The interaction turns violent when an automatic timer activates the device. The next morning Amanda Bynes tweets "Calm down gurl!"

1 September, 2039: Khatastrophye sparks fervent ethical debate by becoming the first person to marry her own clone. The ceremony, held on their shared birthday, is attended only by Shelly the tortoise.

30 August, 2042: A vacation photo of Khatastrophye, her clone bride, and their two friends on horseback accidentally triggers a global panic that brings about the End Times. Frivolous pursuits, like reading "Who wore it best? in US Magazine,  are cast aside in favor of more practical vocations such as subsistence farming and prostitution.

Composite photo: Morphthing