“It kind of looks like a Venus flytrap,” a friend-of-a-friend tells me minutes after introducing himself. He was speaking about his asshole and, unprompted, proceeded to express his interest in starting an OnlyFans for fisting enthusiasts. Having known this person for a total of 10 minutes, I had no other option but to nod in agreement.

I’m not sure if this account ever saw the light of day, but his brazen attitude discussing the current state of his asshole with me, a complete stranger, incited many thoughts, one of which was: Do gay men judge one another's buttholes like they do dicks?

If you can believe it, no official study has posed this question! So I decided to shoulder this critical responsibility myself.

As I often do, I started my quest for answers by posting a poll on Twitter, asking this aforementioned question outright. Of the 177 people who voted, more than 70% said yes, gay men most definitely judge each other’s assholes.

“I’ve heard other people assume or joke about another’s butthole based on reputation,” Mikhail, a Twitter voter, shares. “I think the judgment is indirectly based on the perceived [sexual] activity of the other person.”

Alexander, another Twitter voter, verifies Mikhail’s message, writing, “The looser the hole, the more they have been around the block. It's as simple as that.” Another wrote, “There are definitely pretty ones and ‘no thanks’ ones.” When asked to differentiate the two through direct message, he flatly responds, “You can tell a pretty one from a gnarly one.”

Dr. David Fawcett, Ph.D, LCSW therapist, sexologist, and author of Lust, Men and Meth: A Gay Man’s Guide to Sex and Recovery, believes gay men do judge each other’s anuses, but not to the extent they evaluate penis size because penises are easier to observe. “I think it’s unfortunate to see gay men objectify another body part,” he tells NewNowNext. “It reduces our ability to relate to the whole person and, despite all the sexual contact, contributes to a sense of loneliness in our community.”

Dr. Evan Goldstein, D.O., founder and CEO of Bespoke Surgical for gay men, has hands-on experience with issues of the anus, and says butthole shame is “definitely rampant” among the gay community. And this is evident by the volume of patients at his practice seeking surgeries to make their bums appear more youthful.

He shares that while some do like rose-buds or “extra folds” for nibbling and rimming, the majority of gay men want the virginal hole we witness in porn. This means our assholes can’t look like they’ve been penetrated—yet another unachievable standard gay men are forced to adhere to, considering many of us regularly engage in anal sex.

“Most people come to me for an anal tear called a fissure or a hemorrhoid that has developed into a local skin tag,” Goldstein tells NewNowNext. “I have others who have a gaping hole even when resting. In these situations, I think about how we can tighten the hole to make it pucker, yet still be able to be penetrated.”

Rough, unprepared anal sex can be traumatic for your hole, and sometimes the skin and muscles pay the price, causing skin tags, hemorrhoids, and fissures. “Anal play has consequences, and it goes back to making sure we prepare in the correct way and then engage correctly while using everything to improve our outcomes, from improper lube to poor initial entry and incorrect pelvic positioning,” Dr. Goldstein says. He mentions that improper douching can cause these same issues.

“On the other end is a hole that is so tight that even a pinkie finger is off limits,” he says. “Here, I can dilate in the operating room and use Botox to assist relaxation. Most don't even know these types of procedures exist.”

Non-invasive procedures are also available. The most popular of which, according to Dr. Goldstein, include: pelvic floor exercises, laser hair removal, over-the-counter lightening creams, skin-tightening lasers, and a new technology called Emsella, which delivers magnetic waves to help contract the anal musculature and pelvic floor to assist both in the prevention and treatment of looseness.

As Dr. Goldstein’s mentioned earlier, some men are turned on by rosebuds and extra folds, especially within the kink community. “As a [fisting/fist-fucking] enthusiast, if you have a tight hole, I’m not interested,” Billy says, telling me he considers a tight hole an insult. “Give me a man with a blown-out cunt and I’ll respect the literal thousands of hours of work he’s put into that.”

Another commenter, Yellow LaFleur, shares a similar insight from the opposite perspective. “I’ve actually had men turn me down because my ass is too tight,” he says, mentioning an experience with a past lover who was ashamed that his ass may be considered ugly due to its lacking tightness. “So people’s expectations of your butthole can’t always be anticipated. The best thing we can do as a community is to be gentle and respectful of others’ experiences and journeys. It’s a very touchy subject and all connected.”

While it would be wonderful to imagine a respectful community void of judgement, the reality is far less hopeful. In asking gay men what their ideal asshole looks like, the word “tidy” was used excessively. Yet again speaking to the coveted appearance of an untouched hole in rose-petal pink.

Hair was far less of an issue. Most opinions were evenly divided. However, the idea of a “sloppy” was solely valued within the kink community, or as a one-off feature somebody would have to be in the mood for. In speaking with a great many gay men, the most popular opinion for a hole is light and tight.

But listen here, fabulous, beautiful gays: People only judge because your asshole is art and people’s opinions of art are subjective. Each hole is different, and yours is uniquely you. Gay men may have the right to desire or refuse sex with whomever they wish, but these preferences could and should be more kindly expressed than they sometimes are, or perhaps never mentioned at all.

Some men are assholes when judging assholes. My advice to you: Don’t be an asshole.