It's a live Eviction Night, and two housemates are going home.

After the screaming, profanity-laden, obnoxious ructions of last night, everyone woke up to the morning after the fight before.

It was a pensive, ashamed awakening.

Despite sharing a bed, Austin is still complaining about James nominating him. James tries to explain it again, but his heart's not in it.

"I want an apology," demands Austin. "You knifed me in the back."

So James lightly apologises and then hugs Austin, who says: "I hate you," but hugs him back.

Janice came in wild-haired, dressed in a scruffy dressing gown and with a face like thunder. All she needed was a shopping cart full of cats and she'd be a character from The Simpsons.

She stomped over to Jaustin's bed and then leapt onto Austin.

And started to make him laugh. She was foul-mouthed, doing silly, over-exagerated Deep South voices and whipped him with her hair. And made him laugh. A lot. And James started laughing as well.

Who'da thunk Granny Talons was a class act?

"I don't hate you because I understand you. And I'm going to drive you crazy because I'm a manipulative disingenuous human," she sings in a variety of accents.

Summoning up his inner 7-year-old trying to write a thank you letter to Granny, Austin starts to seriously apologise.

But Janice won't have any of it. "It's water under a duck's back's bridge," she dismisses him.

Meanwhile, on Planet Britain, Bobby reveals to Stevi that he's been keeping a secret. Apparently, like the Count of Monte Cristo, up in the tower, he's been keeping a a secret calendar, counting off the days he's been in there. If he gets evicted, he wants Stevi to keep up the tradition.

Yes, Gentle American Readers, this is the kind of high drama that gets provided on prime time television by past-it comedians.

If I didn't know that the Prime Minister had been accused of having sex with a dead pig, I would be so ashamed of my nation's reputation right now.

Back in the kitchen, Jenna and Austin were still bitching about James—this time they were joined by Nana Sherrie.

"I just don't get it," said Austin.

"He's just trying to look like a bigger person," supplies Jenna from her infinite well of strategic thinking.

"But he's a businessman," says Sherrie. "He wants to win. That's what businessmen do."

While Nana Sherrie loves both of her ersatz reality TV grandsons, she loves Austin more. It might have something to do with the fact that he really went to town on giving her a lap dance and let her slap his naked bum.

Nana Sherrie hasn't slapped a man's naked bum in decades, so it's got to be worth something in terms of loyalty points.

Thank goodness—again—for Granny Talons.

When everyone is in the living room, Janice sweeps in and tells everyone she loves them, imperiously states to Sherrie that she's never been a liar (Sherrie had never accused her of being one), and then fixes her steely gaze on Austin.

"I don't appreciate you calling me the c-Bomb last night," she says.

She's not shouting or looking for a fight. She's just being a strong woman. "If you had said that to my daughter and I was in the room I would f*ck you up."

"You know what? If anyone ever spoke to your Mom like that I think you would do that, pretty much to defend her or maybe your husband's mum."

Austin stands to try apologise again, but also to try to justify his actions.

Janice bats him away. "I'm just not getting through to you," she tells him. "Maybe I never will."

To alleviate the mood, the afternoon was spent having a pool party. And everyone had fun.

Well, almost everyone.

While the girls were in the pool, all the boys tried out their sexy dance moves in the garden shower. There was lots of laughter. You could even use the word "merriment" and no one would sue you.

Not having had much screen time recently, Chloe Ugh! departed the pool at speed in her bikini, quickly pursued by Stevi Ugh!

In the bathroom, she tells her beau: "I'm feeling really insecure about being overweight." (Clearly she's got some issues with her body, as Chloe is so thin she'd give a fashion model an eating disorder.)

So let's end the recap of the day's events where we began.

Austin, in his red briefs, was telling James, in his tighty-whiteys, "You ought to be on your hands and knees apologising to me."

Yes. Hands and knees. Tighty-whiteys. "Apologising." Sure, Austin, that's what you want to happen.

"Not me, mate," answers James. He makes for one of the empty beds. "This is where I'm sleeping tonight."

Austin throws off James's duvet, grabs James's leg and pulls him back to their joint snuggle pit.

He hugs him. "Welcome home," he says.

We'd like to end on that sweet note, but it's not all over.

Tonight was Eviction Night.

Up for the boot were Austin, Janice, Jenna and Bobby. The fansites and bookies agreed that Jenna was going to go.

She did.

Well past Labor Day, she emerged head-to-toe in virginal white.

How did she feel about being evicted: "It feels invigorating. I didn't want to go, but now I'm out, it feels good."

On James: "He didn't have my back. But it's a game." A fraction of a second later, in the way only Americans can, she added, "God bless him."

For Jenna, James will spend eternity atop Satan's pitchfork.

On living in the house: "It was all business."

And thus the world's Greatest Porn Model left a small house in Boreham Wood, north London, coming seventh in a battle of the nations.

The next eviction was more problematic: On the fansite votes, Janice was likely to go. But her fans were threatening a mass vote to keep her in.

Respectable commentators were insisting that Austin had to go—after his language toward Janice and Natasha, he was letting down the golden reputation of British television.

And then there was Bobby Davro. The mood was sort of bleugh when it came to Bobby. We all knew that someone would vote for him, but for the life of everyone in the UK, no one had an idea who.

So it was Janice who left.

As she hugged Emma, Janice stage-whispered: "Oh my God, my microphone just went up my ass," and pulled at her thong.

Even though she lost the game, Janice Dickinson once again conquered the British Isles.

With the crowds roaring her on, Granny Talons was the winner of people's hearts.

But not their phone votes, obvi.

Later, after the eviction, Austin, the Last Yank Standing, was sharing a man-tub with James in the bathroom.

"See, this is why I hate being here," said Austin. "It just means that you can go 'Nya, nya, nya, see I was right all along and you were wrong.' I hate that."

They then shampooed each other's hair, stripped off their swimsuits and threw them at each other.

Young bonobos in love. It's a thing of beauty.