Can we talk about queens?

We will anyway.

Today's show was dominated by Queen Janice and the way she's taken control of the house—especially the other women.

In short order, she'd appointed Gail and Sherrie as her personal maids. They unpacked her suitcases, because poor old Janny has "arthritis." Like downstairs staff at Downton Abbey, they marveled over one entire suitcase of shoes and another stuffed with fabulous frocks.

"Oooooo," they cooed, "where's she going to wear all this? She's only going to be evicted once."

The point, girls, is not to wear all the clothes. It's to let the rest of the world know that she has more toys than anyone else. And, as everyone in Janice's circle knows, "she who has the most toys, wins."

Austin and James took note as Gail offered to make sandwiches for Janice. "Do you want peanut butter or Nutella, Janice?" "Oh, I'll have both." "Here's your poached egg, Janice. It's not very good, should I make another?" "Oh no, I'll have this— I haven't eaten all day."

But it was the eternal quest to stop Janice from wasting away that caused the day's only big fight: In an attempt to stave off imminent starvation, Janice went rummaging through the house's entire food store until she alighted on the single stick of celery that would leave her replete for the day.

It was Jenna's stick of celery.

To the amazement of British viewers, Jenna is strongly Jewish and keeps to a devout kosher diet. As a result, she has her own separate fridge. Containing celery.

James, bless him, tried to intervene. "Don't," he shouted in alarm at Janice, "that's Jenna's fridge and she only eats kosher food. Are you Jewish?"

"No," said Janice, "but I AM kosher."

Like the wrath of God, Jenna was in there with, : "Don't you respect my religion?" And then it descended into a low-level ruckus as Jenna drew the cloak of victimhood around her shoulders and Janice started martyrbating furiously.

"My children are half-Jewish. My fiance is Jewish. I'm old and cold and hungry. I haven't eaten all day."

For Jenna, this was too much: "I'm hungry, too. I haven't been able to eat at all. It's my religion. If there's a sausage on the table I can't eat."

Yes, Jenna Jameson can't eat a sausage. If there's a sausage on the table, she can't put it in her mouth.

Straight porn stars confuse me sometimes.

Away from the Queen Bee-ing, Team America finally won a daily task. Housemates were strapped into a spinning chair, then had to run across the garden and answer a question about other housemates.

From this, we learned that that Chris Ellison once painted Michael Caine's portrait, that Scoop got his name from his love of ice cream, that Bobby Davro's dad was an Olympic runner, that Sylvester Stallone paid for Janice's first boob job, and that Austin trained as a pole vaulter.

Keep that image in mind. Austin. A pole. Vaulting.

Austin, by the way, is the other major queen in the house and, Lawks a lordy, he's falling hard for James.

They share a bed together. They bathe in Speedos together (in the "fart pool," as Scoop refers to it) and they giggle like little schoolgirls together. Yes, Austin is gay and James is straight—but that's not stopping Austin.

Today, claiming he had a hamstring injury from the day's task, he spent hours trying to persuade James to rub ointment into his leg. He weadled for James' touch in the bath. He begged for James' touch in the bed and when James was briefly absent from the bed, Austin pulled down his pants and started half-heartedly rubbing lotion into his own thighs.

Which afforded the viewers of Great Britain an unforgettable view of his perfectly pert buns and the unnecessary knowledge that Austin waxes his scrotum.

Queen Janice might rule the roost, but Queen Austin has lost his head.

And when his hubby watches today's footage, Austin is likely to learn the real meaning of "royal pain in the ass."