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"Celebrity Big Brother" Recap, Episode 28: A Brawl Breaks Out, The Truth Comes Out, And Chloe Flips Out

"I knew it wasn't me. I'd never compare anyone to foliage."

Celebrity Big Brother hit the controversy jackpot last night.

In the closing days of this series, we finally reached the level of public outrage that have been the show's lifeblood for the last 15 years.

Austin's profanity-laden rant at Janice received more complaints to the broadcast regulator than any other programme in the last year. That's TV infamy gold in the UK.

But it's Farrah Abraham who was the gift that just keeps giving.

After each CBB show, there's a panel show called Bit On The Side presided over by openly gay CBB winner Rylan Clark (above). Last night, Clark had Farrah, veteran comedian/reality star Vicki Michelle and loudmouth BB contestant Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace on the show.

Farrah and Aisleyne already clashed when the former attacked the latter's best friend, and the two hurled insults at each other in the show's opening moments.

"You've got your cheque," Horgan-Wallace told Abraham, "Get on your plane and f*ck off. No one likes you here." (Farrah dismissed Aisleyne as not being qualified to comment, because she'd never been a contestant on Celebrity Big Brother.)

They both piped down as the main guests, evictees Jenna and Janice, were brought on. Once the discussion started, though, it was all kicking off.

Farrah was heard saying: "Be quiet, hag." Aisleyene's hand moved to her glass of champagne. And then the live feed was cut.

Which is virtually unheard of in British TV. (Well, except on Big Brother.)

According to reports, Aisleyne threw her champagne at Farrah, who retaliated. "[Farrah] threw the glass at me," Horgan-Wallace told the Mirror. "It smashed all over the floor and the desk. Because it didn't get me, she picked up another glass, threw it and it smashed. She picked up Jenna's glass and threw it."

"I was ducking and diving," proclaimed Aisleyne. "I was worried about the glass getting in my face. It was like a western bar brawl to be honest."

Jenna and Farrah were then reportedly escorted off the show.

During the fight, Vicki Michelle was injured by a flying glass and was taken to hospital. She's recovering, but is considering filing charges against Farrah for almost blinding her. She also credited Janice for throwing a chair in the way to ensure another glass didn't hit her.

Hertfordshire police also stated that they were investigating the incident, which made all the papers.

The ratings tonight will be mega. Over in the US, producers of The View will be stroking their chins and musing: "Hmm, I wonder if we could try that here?"

Back in the house, Team UK (Sherrie, Bobby, Natasha and James) and Team US (Austin) were having a wonderful time. It was an all-round love fest.

Granny Talons Janice had started the day in a kooky mood, dancing round the garden with Medusa hair and striped leggings. Mugging into the camera, she leaned into it and remarked: "I'd wink if I could. But I can't because of my Botox."

The Brits found all this endearingly eccentric. Austin, not so much.

"If you find that funny," he griped, "you have very little intelligence."

Having heard this refrain so many times in the last week, James ignored him. So Austin took himself off to the Diary Room to piss and moan.

"I feel betrayed by James," he said. Warming to his theme, he continued about how "fake" Janice is. In the Big Brother booth, producers filed their nails, did the crossword, and occasionally threw peanuts to a parrot who'd learnt all of Austin's rants by heart a week ago.

Luckily, the afternoon brought the daily task.

It was Team USA versus Team UK in a quiz chaired by Eamonn Holmes, a news anchor and British morning show host, who also happens to be a hardcore Big Brother fan.

In the first round, members from both teams had to decide what the British public had said about them.

From this we learnt that the Ughs! were regarded as the most fake, Sherrie was the most boring and—you should have seen his rigid face—Austin heard that 73% of Britons thought James had been dead right to nominate him for eviction.

In the next round, the teams had to decide who had said what. Jenna had called Natasha "a cancer," to which Natasha shrugged.

James had said of Austin, "Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer." (James was quick to point out that he'd said it in the heat of the moment.)

Deciding to shake things up, Holmes than asked: "Who called Stevi 'a leaf of p*ss-wet lettuce?"

While Team UK conferred, Holmes announced in total seriousness: "It was Chloe-Jasmine."

For a second Stevi's face expressed shock before he registered the joke and started saying: "That's it. I'm going to dump her." Chloe Ugh!'s was aghast. "I've never said that," she protested. Her lower lip trembling in case she had to go into fake cry mode.

Holmes took the answer card over to her and as she read who really said it, she gave us her one and only good line in the entire series. "I knew it wasn't me. I'd never compare anyone to foliage."

Despite the bickering and bitching—and insisting that Janice should go sit with Team UK—Team US well and truly trounced Team UK. Janice grabbed the glittery trophy and danced on the desk.

In the Diary Room, Jenna whined that she and Austin had really won the trophy because Janice had done nothing and she really wasn't American. The parrot in the Big Brother booth fell off its perch. Jenna made it an ex-parrot.

In the bedroom, James and Austin were on the bed, and James gave Austin his bracelet.

"I don't want it," said Austin. "Go on, it'd mean a lot to me," insisted James. "It's for luck. It's elephants. Elephants are always lucky."

After Jenna and Janice left to face the drama of life-after-eviction, the housemates cheered and danced around the room. While Natasha was in the garden telling Stevi that he had to look after Ughette now that Janice wasn't there, James and Austin danced seductively for each other.

In scenes not broadcast (probably because the producers have been desperately wasting screen time trying to make a "thing" out of the Ughs!), Big Brother then set housemates a Truth or Dare task.

Played entirely for hilarity by all, Chloe smashed an egg on Bobby, Sherrie lap-danced Austin, Austin licked James's face, Stevi wrote "loser"—in a happy joking fashion—on Austin's forehead, and Austin dripped whipped cream into Natasha's mouth.

Funny. Warm. Joyful. And not a hint of angst.

In the bedroom, the Bonobo Bros were snuggling each other. "I love you like a brother," said James. "You mean that?" asked Austin. "Yeah, I mean that," answered James.

Austin kissed his ear and went to sleep, sighing happily.

"Goodnight, Finalists," whispered Big Brother.

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