This is what everyone has been waiting for: Nominations Day.

It's that time of the week when the housemates go all Sophie's Choice in the Diary Room, complaining piteously that picking a housemate to exile is the hardest decision they've ever had to make in their lives—and then proceed to trash someone they sleep, eat and fart next to.

It's hate TV at its best.

These people really loath each other—and this is the first chance they get to express it.

For British viewers, it provided a first: Scoop was sincerely praying out loud in the bathroom that he wouldn't get nominated.

Apart from the fact that no one—EVER—prays on British television (unless it's for laughs), the idea that God would intervene over something so trivial as Celebrity Big Brother left viewers confused to say the least.

Not confusing: Farrah picked up the most nominations.

Eight people meandered around the English language trying to fancy up the same message: "She's a basic bitch."

Next up, with six noms apiece, were Daniel Baldwin and Janice Dickinson.

Daniel has really pissed off the Brits for reasons that haven't become apparent in the broadcast show. But they all agreed he's "loud." In British parlance, that means "he's always talking about himself."

Janice earned her nomination from Americans and Brits alike, who were clear-cut in their message: "She's a total frigging nightmare to live with."

And then Ugh Stevi and Ugh Chloe attracted the ire of the Americans, who seemingly couldn't cope with the lovebird's constant crying and emotional insecurity.

Sorry, Americans—have you never seen an episode of Real Housewives? Needy, crying, emotional wrecks are the wheelhouse of reality TV.

That said, I'm with the Americans on this one. The Ughs, especially Ugh Chloe, are working my last nerve. Her weeping is becoming less like a sad person's and more like an open sore.

The final two up for eviction are Jenna Jameson (she's a friend of Farrah, d'uh) and Chris Ellison.

In getting nominated, Ellison received more screen time in one episode than he's had for the last week. To be honest, until he got nominated, I'd forgotten he was even in the house.

If Ellison gets voted out on Friday, it'll have the same dramatic impact on the House as someone mislaying a coffee spoon.

From now until Friday, British and Irish viewers will be voting to save their favourite contestants. Even though Farrah received most nominations—and is hated by the tabloid press—she's such a cartoon villain that she'll probably escape eviction. Expect Daniel Baldwin, Chris Ellison or the Ughs to be first out.

With the major work of the week dealt with, the show moved on with the shopping task.

The Brits were established as Royals and the Americans as their servants. And ex-royal butler, Paul Burell was sent in to show them how to do it.

The UK tribe, who've made a pretty bad showing of grabbing screen time thus far, played up their roles as best they could: Bobby Davro did a constant, passable impersonation of Prince Charles.

Sherrie Hewson threw herself into role of a daffy Queen and the others sucked their guts in as they wandered round in costumes.

Only poor, bald Gail Porter evinced any emotion. She burst into tears at the prospect of not being able to do the dishes. (Her OCD notwithstanding, I need to be living with that woman.)

Of course, Team USA was having the best time: Once Burrell introduced himself and gave them a rousing speech about how to be servants, he took himself off to the Diary Room to state what a grand group he thought they were.

Meanwhile, in the living room, Team USA was trashing Lady Di's former footman.

Austin explained that Paul is the most hated man in Britain and Farrah preened that she had refused to shake his hand.

Also, at some point, Austin and James tried to get into a giant pair of shorts together. Or was it a pantomime horse? (Our eyesight is failing.)

Meanwhile everyone was turning on Janice because she and Paul immediately became best buds.

And Daniel was still pissed at the "original supermodel" because she'd told him that she'd been up for lead roles in Pretty Woman and Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Back from the Diary Room, Burrell tried to organise Team USA to in a kitchen cleanup, which immediately led to Janice trying to opt out, Austin shouting at Burrell that he was enabling her, and Farrah threatening to break every dish in the house.

In other words, the perfect re-creation of every Royal Household ever.

As the show ended, the camera lingered on a lonely and frail Janice in the bedroom quietly muttering to herself "So cruel. So cruel..."

She finally understood she'd signed on to Celebrity Big Brother.