Nick Zano, star of the new NBC series One Big Happy (in which his character decides to help his lesbian BFF become pregnant), was recently interviewed by real-life BFF Channing Tatum for Interview Magazine.

The interview was devised while the duo were on a USO tour. "So we're going to have a cock-talk?" Zano asked.

And so it was, high above Afghanistan, sitting side by side in a warplane, the star of Magic Mike interviewed the star of Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Related: Watch A Bunch Of Guys Try “Magic Mike Stripping” For The First Time

"Before we even go down any roads," Zano prefaced, "I feel you know too much about me from the past decade, and I would like to institute a safety word in case we go down an avenue I don't want to go down." Tatum was allowed to choose the word and opted for "pink gummy bear," with the stipulation that he can override it by saying "pink Halle Berry."

Below are 8 of the best–and there were many–quotes from the bizarre one-on-one.

8.

Tatum: Abercrombie cologne or Curve?

Zano: Abercrombie?

Tatum: Really? Wow. I'm disappointed.

7.

Tatum: Would you rather save the life of a starving child that you've never met, or have an actual, real-life working lightsaber that you could use?

Zano: Save a child! What is wrong with you?

Tatum: Yeah but think about it, how many starving children could you save with an actual lightsaber? That's a poor decision.

6.

Tatum: Would you rather wake up naked and sore and without any memory of the night before next to the Burger King telling you, "You had it your way," or, wake up naked next to Ronald McDonald telling you, "You were lovin' it"?

Zano: Ooh... I'd go Burger King.

5.

Tatum: Did they ever say that they wished you were a girl?

Zano: That my family wishes I was a girl?

Tatum: Yeah. I know that if I was a girl, they had a girl name picked out for me. Did they have a girl name picked out for you?

Zano: Their girl threat was—this is mostly my grandmother and a little bit my mom—when I would misbehave or do something wrong, they would threaten me with castration. My grandmother would say to me, "You do this, and I'll cut your balls off."

4.

Tatum: If you could, today, grow a vagina, would you do it? Even if it's just for a limited amount of time to know what it's like to have one? You can give it back and have your own penis—not a reattached penis.

Zano: So everything comes back?

Tatum: Yeah, everything's back to that same old Nicky from the beginning. Would you do it?

Zano: Sure. How do you not? Let's do it at the same time.

Tatum: I would totally do that with you. I'd have matching vajays.

Zano: [laughs] All I've got is this visual of you and I standing next to each other, looking down.

Tatum: And comparing. "Wow, yours is bigger than mine!"

3.

Tatum: If you were born a girl, what would your name be? Would you keep it Nicky?

Zano: Nicki with an "i"? That's cute.

Tatum: Nicki with an "i." Would you condone, as Nicki growing up in Florida, having a tramp stamp for a little while?

Zano: And then removing it?

Tatum: Removing it or trying to cover it up with something.

Zano: We have mutual friends who are male that have tramp stamps.

Tatum: That's what I'm saying! Get out of my head, Nicky. That's where I'm going with this. God. Stop interviewing yourself!

2.

Tatum: if we had a friend—I don't know what their name could possibly be—a male that had a tramp stamp, would you condone that?

Zano: I wouldn't condone the male tramp stamp, however, I would address it periodically in a relaxed time where you don't expect it—like at a nice dinner. I would bring up a tramp stamp that that person has as they're sitting there.

1.

Tatum: At your funeral, because you're probably going to die way before I am—

Zano: Why am I dying first?

Tatum: That's just the way it's going to happen. You're way more cautious than I am, and cautious people die first. That's how it happens.

Zano: Says who?

Tatum: Statistics.

Read the entire interview here.