Hello, guys and dolls! I hope you enjoyed your Memorial Day weekend, if you received one. With any luck, you found the time to memorialize one of our own: Lance Sullivan, who never ever received what he deserved.

This week's episode of Cucumber is the very first to not begin with a scene in the supermarket, a fanciful construction perhaps washed away by the grief of Lance’s death as Henry (Vincent Franklin) prepares for the funeral. He and the other mourners meet at his and Lance’s home, which is now half-owned by Lance’s sister Marie (Adjoa Andoh). But more on that later. For the moment, it’s time to grieve.

Adam (Ceallach Spellman) and Tomasz (Matthew Bailey) arrive at the reception with Cleo (Julie Hesmondhalgh), looking for all the world like they’re more than friends, and it pains my soul that we’re not getting a Banana about these two.

As mourners arrive, the house is thrown into a whirlwind of activity and emotion:

Cliff (Con O’Neill) appears with news that Diver Daniel is preparing to use a provocation/gay panic defense, which might lead to his charges being downgraded from murder to manslaughter. Cliff also offers to murder D. D. by stabbing him in the throat with a pen, because forgiveness is not high on anyone’s to-do list.

Veronica (Anjli Mohindra) tells Henry that D. D. has been lying about the circumstances under which he arrived to the city, as well as who knows what else. Though, to his credit, he apparently didn’t lie about the size of his penis.

Freddie (Freddie Fox) kisses Henry on the cheek and tells him not to let this loss define him. It’s good advice, though probably a week or two too early. Freddie ain’t about taking things slow.

Henry is upset that more people haven’t shown up, angry that they might be embarrassed because it was a murder rather than a “normal” vanilla death.

Adam tells Henry that he and Tomasz are both dating the same girl. But when Tomasz swoops in on a hot bartender (Scott Worden), who just rejected Freddie for not being young enough, his face looks like he just sucked on a lemon. I’m ready for a fourth show just about these two: Peeled Banana or whatever the final score was on that boner scale from the first episode.

Scotty (Letitia Wright) literally won’t stop sobbing. I’m fairly certain she’s never even met Lance, but for the duration of the event she has soaked up the emotion of everyone else and become a human infinity pool.

Susie (Oona Kirsch), Lance’s ex-girlfriend from the 80’s, arrives to pay her respects, but vanishes before Henry can put two and two together and remember who she is. He looks shell-shocked at her appearance and watches her leave with a look of profound regret.

Toward the end of the event, Henry finds himself sitting with his friends whose names have always escaped me. One of them says he’s jealous of all the attention and sympathy that Henry is getting, because birds of a douchey feather flock together. Cliff changes the subject and starts talking about the hazards of getting old, namely growing hairs on the shaft of one’s penis.

The men all scoff, but rush as one to the restroom to pull down their pants and inspect. One of them discovers the grisly truth and Henry reaches down to touch it. After the men leave, he washes his hands in a state of mournful shock, perhaps remembering all the neglect he heaped upon Lance’s penis and how he’ll never be able to make it up to him.

Cliff comes back in and runs interference at the door while Henry sits in a stall and cries. For the first time, the friendship between these two men makes perfect sense.

The next morning, Freddie is chatting with one of his four billion sex partners, who mentions that her roommate has just moved out and she needs help making up the rent. He expresses interest in moving in, complaining that Henry has been very clingy since the murder (men, am I right?) and that he doesn’t really care about Lance at all. A smoking hot manbun waltzes in and kisses them both, which is all the persuasion Freddie needs. He’s moving out! Don’t let the door hit your tiny Ken doll ass on the way.

At a restaurant, Henry and Marie discuss finances. He becomes distressed when he learns that she’ll be hiring a solicitor to handle selling the house, because he just assumed that the property would be returning to him. He then asks for his money back, but Marie has no knowledge of Lance’s financial trickery and is intent on using the inheritance to pay for her daughter’s college. Henry shouts about it’s not his fault Lance died, and they mutually decide that a solicitor is probably necessary. Everyone else in the restaurant nervously calls for their checks.

Back at Twink Towers, Freddie is packing up his stuff. Two new neighbors are visiting, and Dean (Fisayo Akinade) is introducing them around. Their names are Maureen (Sharon Duncan-Brewster) and Floss (Red Madrell) and they have “Future Banana Episode” written all over them, especially considering that they vanish after like three seconds.

The lads discuss a fellow they’ve discovered on Grindr, and Freddie decides to toss Henry a bone. He says he can get this guy, Aiden (Dino Fetscher), and pass him along to Henry. Also, for one time only, he will join them. Basically, it’s Freddie’s special way of bringing flowers to a grieving widow. Together they combine forces and take off in the car, using Grindr as a sort of GPS to guess Aiden’s location.

This is a pretty fun scene, actually, and they have great chemistry as the Sexual A-Team. Freddie’s the brains, Henry’s the brawn, and Dean is the wild card. They track Aiden down to Canal Street and hustle to find a parking spot, but an unexpected deluge traps them in their car. Because they forgot that they were living in England and didn’t bring an umbrella, they hole up until the storm passes.

They have a great time discussing how the LGBT acronym sounds like a sandwich and making up new, grotesque sexy sandwich names with acronyms like BALLS… among others. Camaraderie! Ribaldry! Jokes! Rain! This is the kind of quality British programming that I’m here for.

Later on, during a discussion about the differences between men and women in bed, Henry remembers Susie’s appearance at the funeral, reminiscing about how Lance had always loved her. A series of silent flashbacks prompt Henry to admit that he’s a butt virgin, a revelation which Dean meets with his trademark self-concern, admitting to his own prematurity. Henry balks at the change of subject, but asks Freddie if he has any secrets to share.

Because he’s a professional, Freddie says he doesn’t. But a line of questioning about somebody named Christopher shuts him up right quick. After this confession, Freddie finally seems engaged with Henry as a human being.

He asks why Henry has never done it if it turns him on so much. Henry says Lance always thought it was shame, then breaks down completely. He shouts that Lance wasted so much time on him, lamenting the fact that he never waited. Henry was always planning on coming back, but now he never can.

He still doesn’t blame himself for Lance’s death, but he’s clearly out of his mind with grief. I’ve never cozied to Henry’s actions or motivations, but Vincent Franklin is selling the hell out of this scene, so kudos to him.

Finally the rain lets up and the lads take off down Canal Street, newly bonded and chatting up a storm. The boys start teaching Henry about sex, and Henry ask if Freddie could actually be turned on by him.

“Sometimes sex itself is sexy.” Well, it’s not a no.

Aiden walks out of a nearby bar and they all giggle, saying that he just missed the best night of his life. They return home, their hearts filled with friendship instead of cock. It’s rather nice, and the rain-drenched canal street is a lovely picturesque way to cap off one of the most enjoyable, least misanthropic scenes of the entire series.

That night when they get home, Freddie unpacks his stuff. He’s staying! Henry gets in bed and begins to weep. Freddie walks over and joins him, reminding him that they still could do it if he wanted. Henry says no and Freddie leaves. I was kind of hoping that Freddie would just cuddle and help his friend through his emotional pain, but he’s had enough breakthroughs for one night, I suppose.

The next morning, the inevitable finally happens. A group of thugs tear through the apartment, claiming that the lads are squatting on their property and repossessing all of their electronics and personal effects. They have two minutes to get out.

Freddie tries to fight one of the men and is dangled out of the window. From time to time, I’ve wanted to do this myself, but this is Freddie 2.0 we’re talking about. Put him down!

The boys are shoved out onto the curb, along with the other shouting, sobbing residents of the apartment complex. Cliff arrives with the hopeful news that this was an allotment scam, where poor residents were tricked into illegal lodging with low rent and allowed to flourish before the con men swooped in and made a profit off their belongings. Thanks Cliff, but that information would have been helpful, say, yesterday.

Henry smiles as he watches the chaos, and if you have any idea why, please let me know. My current working theory is that he’s marveling at how life goes on. In spite of everything, the world is still bustling with passion, anger, friendship, and all sorts of real emotions besides devastating grief.

Back at home (where Henry’s keenly aware he should have been all along), he half-heartedly makes maneuvers toward Marie living together with him while she angrily packs up and takes off. She barges past all of Henry’s friends who are bustling through in a spirit of celebration. I find it a little strange that Marie, a bereaved sister of one of the nicest characters, is being treated with such villainous disdain, but it’s Henry’s story and the party he’s throwing is too charming to be bothered.

As lights flash and music plays, everyone whose lives Henry has been a part of dance together in the living room. This scene is like a game of I Spy as (I believe) every character featured in Banana and pretty much every single Cucumber regular parties it up.

I even spotted Helen (Bethany Black) as well as Amy (Charlie Covell) and Kay (T’Nia Miller), which is… strange. I mean, I wouldn’t imagine that you’d invite Cleo’s waitress or Lance’s murder detective to the shindig, but it’s a fun scene that wraps it all together so who cares. Tomasz graciously takes his shirt off, and everybody has a good time as Henry grins to the heavens.

Meanwhile, in Banana Land…

Aiden, 24, versatile.

Following his brief encounter with the Cucumber crew, Aiden heads into the bars on Canal Street to have himself a good time. When he runs into his friend Ben (Jamal Andréas) with the considerably less attractive Frank (Alex Frost). Ben has chosen Frank because he might not be a looker, but he’ll work hard in bed. Oh, and he spent 60 quid on drugs. Bless him, he knows what he wants.

They head home together for a nice, wholesome threeway. As Aiden makes out with Ben, Frank attempts to get in from the sides but is constantly shoved away. He’s such a sideliner at this event, he doesn’t even qualify as a third wheel. He’s more like a fourth wheel at best, if you throw in the drugs, which Ben constantly exits to consume.

During one of these aforementioned bathroom trips, Frank and Aiden finally kiss and share a spark. When Ben returns, Frank takes the cherished position in the middle of what seems to be a spectacularly dull threesome, where they all lie parallel to one another and don’t move around a lot.

Aiden wakes up cuddling Frank and immediately extricates himself. He grabs his clothes and makes for the exit, but Frank follows him out, asking how to get back to Manchester. They wait for the bus together and learn more about each other: Frank was kicked out of a stag party for trying to convince the strippers to go to college and Aiden is a care worker at an old folks’ home.

After the bus ride, Frank gives Aiden his number, then stops him with a feeble excuse about leaving his phone. Aiden calls his phone and Frank’s caught red-handed when his pocket buzzes, but they continue talking. Frank convinces Aiden to get coffee, proclaiming that they both know they shared something during that kiss and they shouldn’t throw away an opportunity to meet the One.

At the coffee place, Aiden talks about how he regrets how he treated women before he came out, using them as tools to prove his flickering heterosexuality. They decide to go out for something stronger, but when Aiden runs into his friends on the sidewalk, he pushes Frank into the alley to avoid them seeing him. Hey, it’s almost like this is a sitcom or something.

Frank storms off and Aiden chases him into a pub where the bartender blatantly ignores Frank in favor of Aiden’s pretty face. This is pretty hamfisted stuff, but when we’ve got a point to make in Banana, we makes it quick. There’s not much time.

Aiden talks about how he’s afraid of entering into relationships, because Day 1 is always nice and splendid and magical, but he’ll always begin to pine for somebody new sooner or later.

The episode ticks through the days of Frank and Aiden’s relationship, finally resulting in Aiden lusting after a hot partygoer on Day 245 while hooking up with a Frank in someone else’s kitchen with glass windows. He’s a braver man than I, I’ll give him that.

The scene cuts back to the bar. None of this has actually happened, and Aiden has decided to meet up with a Grindr hookup instead of pursue anything with Frank. He explains that he’s out of his league, and that it’s never going to happen, though he seriously considered giving it a try. He walks away.

An equally unattractive fellow attempts to chat up Frank, but he turns him away. Some other patron grabs the man’s butt like he’s in line at the TigerHeat restroom instead of a provincial bar in the middle of the day. As Frank sits there alone, he sees markers above every couple’s head, saying how many days they’ve been together. Above his head? Day 0.

Wheeeee.

Fin.

Grade: This episode has been spectacularly weird, shifting from heart-wrenching pain to lighthearted sex comedy to thematic climax in the blink of an eye. Following it down that path takes some effort, but for my money it’s a good time. The only problem is that this episode feels very much like a conclusion. It would be a fantastic season finale, but there’s still one more episode left in the season. What else could the show possibly have to say?

And this episode may have been all over the place, but Vincent Franklin really killed it in his depiction of Henry’s befuddled, guilty, repressed, unknowable grief. Henry has never been anything but an unlikeable boor, but now he’s at least a recognizable human being bumbling through his own life and mistakes. That’s something I can get behind.

I liked Banana enough, especially because it somewhat ties into the discussion in Cucumber about how sometimes sex can be separate from looks, but man was it bleak. I understand Aiden and Frank didn’t need to frolic off together into Never Never Land, but the moral of the story is that ugly people had better stay with their own kind or face the consequences.

I know a common complaint about the gay community at large revolves around its superficiality and that’s something that needs to be addressed. But the ending felt a little too demeaning of people who don’t have six pack abs or the bone structure of an Egyptian god. There’s a difference between saying “this is a thing that happens to people and it’s bad” and “ugly people, get in your lane,” and I feel the episode crossed that line from time to time.

At least the episode had some really interesting things to say about the way that closeted gay men use women. That’s a very relatable and regrettable experience that humanizes the characters beyond their looks and generic characteristics.

A-

Track of the Week: “Knock On Wood" Amii Stewart

This song would win even without that fabulous headdress and eye makeup combo.

Champion Dialogue: “The flat’s gotten weird since the murder thing.” - Freddie

Mixed Veggies

*Evidently we had our disagreements about the impact of Lance’s death. Let’s talk about it. Though Lance was one of the most reasonable characters on the show despite his ill-advised machinations toward Diver Daniel, I felt he was generally given short shrift in regards to his storyline. It was nice to see an episode all about him, but I didn’t feel like it made up for five full episodes painting him as a sort of cartoon villain (i. e. stealing Henry’s money) or a forgotten side character with an utterly absurd subplot that surface for a minute or two within the Henry Show.

Therefore his death felt more like a gimmick to me than a wholly organic element of Cucumber. Living a life from Henry’s perspective considerably sours your worldview, I daresay, but I apologize if my glibness offended anybody’s sensibilities. So, tell me. What does Lance mean to you? I want to know.

*Apparently, nobody says “threesome” anymore. What do we say?

*It was kind of satisfying to see the bartender reject Freddie. He’s a very pretty man, but I’ve found it hard to believe that literally every single person in the entire country finds him irresistible.

*What is quince? Do we not have it in America or am I just not healthy enough to know?

*I just noticed that there’s a staircase in the back of their flat in Twink Towers. Where the hell does it go?

*Scotty tries to kill one of the repo men with a wrench because Scotty has watched Mad Max: Fury Road too many times. Although I doubt that’s possible, because even if you’ve watched it once a day since its release, that’s not enough times. (I’m not a shill, I promise. Though if anyone wants to pay me for raving about Mad Max, I will gladly take them up on the offer.)

Fruit Medley

*The casting call for characters like Frank must be dispiriting for actors: “Wanted: Unattractive gay man to be belittle for 22 minutes.”

*Somewhat more dispiriting: Mitch Thornton is credited as “Bartender with Lines.” Acting is a terrible business.

*Aiden and Frank’s conversation brought up an interesting question: Would you rather date Tom Hardy or Zac Efron covered in honey?

So what do you think? Are you excited for next week’s finale? What do you think is in store for the displaced residents of Twink Towers?