Hello, guys and dolls! Did you know that bananas are technically berries? This is because they are a fleshy fruit produced from a single flower and containing one ovary. If you imagine that the flower is Cucumber, the banana is Banana, ovaries are characters, and the fleshiness is shirtless men, then this show is way more well-thought out than we first imagined. Think about it.

This week’s Cucumber dares to dream, at least in its opening sequence. As Henry (Vincent Franklin) soliloquizes about the development of society, he crashes through the woods, which are the closest Britain will ever get to the primordial jungle. He discusses how humans have invented lines for themselves to follow (teleporting back to the Mount Olympus grocery store), building cages to keep themselves civilized. But sometimes we take a wrong turn and get lost.

That’s what this episode is all about. Since square one of Cucumber, he has become untethered from his idyllic life and now it’s his time to get lost and screw things up. Not that he really needs the push.

Back at Twink Towers, Henry gets a glimpse of a naked Freddie (Freddie Fox), which is better than coffee when it comes to waking up in the morning. Dean (Fisayo Akinade) points out Freddie’s most recent conquest, Josh (Luke Newberry! Hello over there!), a clingy 18-year-old who is waiting patiently in the sitting room. Freddie requests that he get the apartment to himself on Thursday for Reasons. They agree, not thinking twice about it. I think everyone just assumes that he’ll be needing room to set up the sex trampoline.

Henry makes his exit and meets with Cliff (Con O’Neill), who might actually be my least favorite character on the show, despite having lots of competition. I can’t quite put my finger on why I find him so abrasive, but maybe it’s because he doesn’t bat an eyelash when he finds out that Henry has more or less become an underage porn baron.

Henry takes Cliff to his grandmother’s house/YouTube porn empire, where Scotty (Letitia Wright) and Meatballs (Mike Coombs) have been fixing up a decent set for Adam (Ceallach Spellman) and Tomasz (Matthew Bailey) and their assortment of less hot friends who want in on the queerbaiting action.

Apparently, to keep his hold over his youthful charges (and keep his money flowing), Henry proved his worth by introducing the incredibly lucrative “Nervous” game into their repertoire. You know the one? Where you put your hand on somebody and ask if they’re nervous as you inch closer to their swimsuit zone? It puts the “fun” in “sexual harassment”!

Cliff and Henry briefly discuss the legality of this whole operation, lightly skipping over the morality of it. Cliff commends Henry for unchaining himself from his “nice job, nice boyfriend, settle down” shackles, as blisteringly triumphant Emmy reel music plays. This will absolutely end well, I promise.

Later, Henry takes his accidental boyfriend Leigh (Phaldut Sharma) over to Cleo’s (Julie Hesmondhalgh) for dinner. They get into a pissing match over immigration, because some arguments are universal no matter what side of the pond you’re on. Back home, Leigh asks Henry if they can consummate their relationship tomorrow night. Henry agrees, but we can already hear the cogs turning in his head as he devises a new way to MacGyver himself out of the situation.

Meanwhile, Lance (Cyril Nri) is still a character on this show. He and his coworker Veronica (Anjli Mohindra) gossip over a nudie photo of Diver Daniel (James Murray) and discuss his increasingly shaky heterosexuality. “Gay men do not moon,” says Lance, who has apparently never eaten at the IHOP on Santa Monica Boulevard.

Veronica forwards him the pic on her WORK EMAIL and he drags it into a folder on his WORK COMPUTER. Honestly, between the vacation time and the lax computer policies, I’m a little jealous I’m not building a career in England.

Henry walks into Twink Towers to discover that Freddie is with an older man. This wouldn’t be unusual, except the older man happens to be his father (Steffan Rhodri). His mother (Beth Goddard) walks out of the room, complaining about how the apartment is a death trap. Freddie begs Henry to leave, or at least pretend he’s the landlord, but he obstinately reveals that he is Freddie’s roommate.

The Baxters blow up, rightfully angry that a middle-aged man is sharing a flat with their son, but Henry regresses to belligerent teen mode and tells them to heck off. If this scene was constructed to remind us that, despite having a mental age of about 13, Henry is old enough to be Freddie’s father, it really did the trick.

Back at a place with actual adults, Lance texts Diver Daniel. This scene is brisk and cheerful, capturing how exciting it is to be texting with a crush. It’s by far the best scene in the episode, and a fun way of incorporating modern dating experiences into the show. Lance asks D. D. over for dinner on Friday. Dun dun DUN!

As Henry and Adam drive to Porn Palace listening to Bette Midler, Adam tells him about how Tomasz has “noshed him off” and that he wants Adam to reciprocate this weekend. “It does feel a bit gay,” he decides. Once again, the most interesting scene in the show takes place offscreen. Way to go, fellas.

They walk into the house, only to find Cleo standing sternly amid the group of boys. She grabs Henry by the ear and drags him home, where she packs a collection of his mugs into a box and smashes them to bits. She tells him a story about her daughter tweezing her pubic hair and sending dirty photos to the boys in her class. She says that hormones turn girls into approval-craving zombies and worries that the Nervous game will lead her daughter somewhere she shouldn’t have to be at her age.

She’s oddly unconcerned about Adam’s part in all of this, and her “sex is currency” speech is a little overwritten, but Julie Hesmondhalgh brings it home with a pure, driving emotional power. Over the past two episodes, Cleo has become a force to reckon with rather than the token straight character, and I love that about her. She tells Henry to think of others instead of himself for once, and that he’s throwing everything away but he’d better not lose her. Blammo.

Back at Twink Towers, Henry finds out that Tomasz has also been touching up on Meatballs, so maybe this isn’t just a phase. Dean tries to show Henry his own wank video, then heads off to a naked barbecue because he only gets about ten seconds per episode now and he’s determined to make them count.

Henry apologizes to Freddie about the way he treated his parents, but he’s kind of excited he managed to irritate them so much. Also, he heard through the grapevine that his pedophile high school teacher left his wife and his job, so he’s keen to celebrate. He invites Henry to share some wine with him, and he agrees, blowing off his date with Leigh in the process.

While Leigh blows up Henry’s phone with worry, he and Freddie talk about losing their virginity and how sexy older men are. Drool pools in the back of Henry’s throat, choking him. Freddie takes about 800 different drugs and rubs his crotch because sex is his currency.

Diver Daniel shows up at Lance’s and is a little surprised to see that it’s just the two of them. Lance was planning on cooking dinner, but D. D. demands that they order Chinese instead. Later, he complains about his ex-wife, then asks if Lance wanks thinking about him and, oh, what exactly does he imagine. In detail.

He whips it out and begins slapping his cucumber. Right there in Lance’s living room. Lance is understandably excited, but any attempt to join in is met with shouting. Diver Daniel is like a drill sergeant in heat, shrieking “Don’t touch yourself!” and “Hands by your sides!” without breaking his concentration.

I’m legitimately scared that he’s going to murder Lance. He climaxes, then leaves without cleaning his spunk off the carpet. Somewhere, hundreds of miles away, his mother finds herself crying without quite knowing the reason why.

Back at Twink Towers, Freddie tells Henry about the best sex he’s ever had. Henry’s pants threaten to rip to shreds. After a vigorous crotch rubbing session, Freddie tells Henry to go away. It’s well past 8:00 now, and Leigh is rightly worried. Henry deletes Leigh from his phone, because there’s a 1% chance that Freddie might toss him a pity bone, so out go the meaningful relationships.

After seeing images of all the people in his life telling him to go home, Henry meets with Lance at a coffee shop. After ogling the cute as hell barista, he attempts to make some witty banter. Considering that it’s about a post-apocalyptic coffee rag virus, it falls flat.

Lance confronts Henry, saying that he head about Leigh from Cleo. He says he’s perfectly fine with Henry doggedly chasing after that younger tale, but inquires as to why, if he’s dating somebody his own age, it isn’t Lance. Henry says that he and Leigh are through. Not that Leigh knows that.

Lance brags about how he met a nice guy, and I choke on my boba smoothie. I mean, I’m sure Diver Daniel is nice to his dog or something, but that’s not the first adjective that comes to mind. “Homicidal,” maybe. Or “loud.” But certainly not “nice.” He does admit that D. D. is insane, but he thinks there’s a chance.

Henry seems to deflate a bit now that he knows he can’t go back to the way things were, and when asked why he’s here, he says he came to ask about his money. Lance says they’ll reconvene in six months to discuss finances, because some of Diver Daniel’s sociopathy rubbed off on him.

Lance leaves and Henry begins to cry as we see him wandering through the vast, dark forest. Of his soul.

Meanwhile, in Banana Land…

LUKE NEWBERRY! Young twink Josh returns, opening the episode with Freddie… in his flesh. Afterward, he waits in the sitting room and overhears Dean and Henry loudly gabbing about how clingy he is. Rude.

Although they’re not wrong. Josh gets Freddie’s number from his phone while he’s in the shower, then invites him to his best friend’s wedding, so clearly he doesn’t know how the club scene operates.

When he arrives in his hometown, he’s picked up by his best friend Sophie (Chloe Harris) in her swanky rental car. She’s a little upset he didn’t come to her bachelorette party, but they have a good time driving around and reminiscing about high school. Seriously, they have a blast. They prance about with their arms in the air blasting Chvrches as they drive 30 mph down a British highway. It’s the simple pleasures that count.

He brags about Freddie, but the picture clearly taken while he was asleep does not impress Sophie. It also doesn’t terrify her, and that’s the power of friendship. Josh gets a text from Domino’s and pretends it’s from Freddie. Honestly I’d rather get a text from Domino’s, but to each his own.

They go to dinner with some high school friends, one of whom has braces and a fetus growing inside her uterus, while the other is kind of a racist asshole. Sophie’s fiancé Marc (Craig Whittaker) arrives and joins them at the table. Other than already being alarmingly adept at dad jokes, he seems handsome and nice enough, but Josh pointedly ignores him and slips away to the restroom to send Freddie an unsolicited dick pic.

Sophie confronts him in the loo, saying that he should be nicer to her fiancé, at which point he calls Marc a dick. She snaps and tells Josh to get lost. Then Marc drives them both home because being a teenager is the worst.

At home, Josh vigorously thrashes his banana while Facebook stalking Freddie, accidentally staining his jumper in the process. He shoves it in a drawer and puts on an infinitely superior striped sweater (apparently the theme this week is men failing to clean up their emissions – I don’t envy the BBC cleaning crew), then races down the street to Sophie’s house.

He apologizes in his own unique way (by insulting a sweater Sophie bought him – Banana, everyone!) and joins her for a snuggle in her bed. He tries to talk her out of “settling for mediocrity,” but she insists that what she truly wants is to settle down. That’s a fair enough argument, honestly, but apparently she’s been stress eating and according to Josh that means she doesn’t really love Marc.

He calls Freddie the next morning, but his excuse is transparent as his skin: “Did I leave my train card there?” Freddie tells him to get lost and delete his number.

At the wedding, Sophie asks Josh to check in on Marc. It turns out that he has arrived wearing a kilt, which disgusts her to no end. 1) Is that really shocking? People are aware of kilts in the UK. And 2) Did you not plan ahead what you were wearing to your wedding? It sounds like dad’s polishing his shogun in the front row right about now.

She decides to ditch out on her wedding, because she is too young to settle. She suggests that Marc take her asshole friend on the honeymoon (well, there’s that sorted out) and takes off in the rental car with Josh. They discuss moving to Manchester together. She asks if his room is a single or a double.

“You’re not staying with me!”

Fin.

Grade: Man, I had high hopes after last week’s episode. I suppose it was inevitable that the followup wouldn’t compare, but Cucumber has real issues with consistency. It seems like every other episode has that sexy, energetic spiciness that forms the spine of the series, but the in-betweeners are pretty lackluster.

The throughline this week was solid, especially when it was directly engaging with its “dog off his leash” motif, but any storyline that focuses exclusively on Henry’s massive porn empire is a little too icky to respect him as a protagonist, even the antihero type. I’m all for this leading into a character arc, but as of yet he doesn’t seem to be even a little bit remorseful.

I am glad he showed a softer side once he truly realized what he lost with Lance. They should get back together, pool their money, and invest in Purge-style steel home defenses to keep Diver Daniel out.

And I think Banana was an interesting episode, certainly. Especially during the dinner sequence, where it really captured what it’s like to return home after a couple months of college and discover that your high school friends haven’t matured quite as much as yourself.

But, as usual, it’s hard to truly get behind any of the characters, Josh is a little too rude and obsessive to really get behind, and their development is a little rushed. But at least the characters were relatably human, and that’s more than I can say for Diver Daniel.

And is it just me, or were the accents especially thick this time around? I had to rewind a couple times to make sure I got everything, and even then a couple words were lost to the ether.

B-

Track of the Week: “Queen Bee” by Middle of the Road

Sure, it’s a bit twee, but it’s a good pop-oldie blend that highlights Freddie and Henry’s blossoming friendship.

Champion Dialogue: “Are you Ross or Rachel?” – Leigh RE: Sexual positions

Mixed Veggies

*Those fifteen-year-olds are still the worst lip syncers I’ve ever seen. It’s like a Britney Spears convention up in there.

*I just looked it up and Matthew Bailey, who plays Tomasz, is 20 years old. So I can officially say that he is hawt. More so than Freddie, even. Is that blasphemous?

*I love Veronica’s fierce (and correct) insistence that any men who don’t fancy her are gay.

*Adam continues to be straight after being hummed off by a dude and listening to Bette Midler, which – to my mind – is incontrovertible proof that people really are “born this way.”

*Freddie lost his virginity at 14, the year at which he stopped aging, Adaline style.

*What the hell, Diver Daniel? What is this guy’s problem? Norman Bates has fewer sexual hangups than this guy.

*When Henry deletes Leigh, he just deletes the conversation, not the actual contact. He’s lived with twenty-year-olds for a while now, have they not taught him anything about iPhones?

*Speaking of Leigh, I’m pretty sure he thinks Henry has been murdered at this point.

*My current working theory is that Diver Daniel is the human form of the Loch Ness monster.

Fruit Medley

*I would walk five hundred miles and I would walk five hundred more, just to touch Luke Newberry’s hair.

*Show of hands: Who here has sent a dick pic from a restaurant bathroom?

*The wedding dress hanging in Sophie’s clearly teenage bedroom is the most powerful image of the night.

So what do you think? Are you excited to keep munching on Cucumber and Banana? Please let us know in the comments below!