Ok, I never saw Tigerland. But this Colin Farrell pic tells me all I need to know… U.S.A.!!! U.S.A.!!!
Is a new day dawning in America? One where gay soldiers can cuddle with their fellow bunkmates openly without fear of being made to do extra push-ups or scrub bunkhouse bathrooms with toothbrushes?
Seems that a nice judge in California has decreed that the inane “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy banning gays from serving openly in the U.S. Military is totally unconstitutional. I’m not sure if this will effect whether or not soldiers stationed overseas will now get official Pentagon funding to make their Lady Gaga or Ke$ha YouTube videos, but it’s all good either way…
So today I’m celebrating this by A) Molesting every serviceman I can find, and B) whipping up a list of the best gayest soldier movie moments ever. Some weren’t gay, just hot. Actually, most are just hot. But who cares! Now all the covert lust and rifle-stroking, pent-up desires can be celebrated without shame. Or something like that!!!
Here’s a roll call of tasty military guys. ‘Ten hut!!!!
JARHEAD
Never saw it. But it’s got gaydom’s favorite pet crush, Jake Gyllenhaal buffed up and boinking around as a marine. And dancing in a Santa hat and a g-string! America, F*ck Yeah!!!
Singing recruits, hot men showering in space (and Argentina), Israelis making out in the snow, Richard Gere and those sweaty-80′s types spiking volleyballs after the jump. Gomer Pyle never had it so good!
FROM HERE TO ETERNITY
I saw this years ago, and aside from the niceness of watching Montgomery Clift, and finally getting to see that big make-out scene with Deborah Kerr and Burt Lancaster on the beach, what stuck with me was how freakin’ amazing Lancaster looked throughout in his tight pressed uniform shirt, tucked obsessively into into his trousers, and with his tie tucked into the shirt. I can’t even remember the film’s plot; it’s all about his taut, tucked torso.
Hubba.
But if you want to see a nice scene of Montgomery Clift playing trumpet and a bunch of soldiers in baggy drawers feeling sad, watch this moment!
HAIR
Whoa. This ripped dude is only the beginning… There’s singing and dancing and multi-racial homo-tastic flirting galore!!!
Hair is an anti-war musical. And my favorite scene is the big “Black Boys/White Boys” number that cuts between Nell Carter (!!!!) and her girls sashaying in Central Park and nearly naked boys singing and getting drafted and cruised by horned up recruiting officers — who are also singing! It’s racial harmony at its horniest — and most melodic! Thanks, Sarge!!!
EVITA
Speaking of singing soldiers… One of the best numbers in the Alan Parker-directed film version of Evita starring Madonna, is the fun and sweeping serving of “Peron’s Latest Flame.”
It’s all about the fussy soldiers who are nonplussed that their commander-in-chief is flagrantly boinking a floozy. They grouse and sing and soap up all at once. “You said it, brother!” And a then-uber-handsome Antonio Banderas leads the crooning. And, oh yeah… It’s got Madonna. Five-stars!!!!!
Hot gay Israeli soldiers getting it on. What more do you need to know??? Watch a mash-up of cute/sexy/romantic scenes. Then, plant a tree!!!
Remember when Richard Gere was blazingly hot? And when Debra Winger was the go-to girl for trashy-All-American small-town movie action? Well no, of course you don’t. But it happened. I swear.
They talk a lot and get riled up too often in Officer and a Gentleman, but who cares? It ends with a nice song and people applauding, and a white suit and a lady getting carried out of a factory. And Gere’s dopey studliness was never better used. I bet if his Edward Lewis character in Pretty Woman had pulled up and found his Officer alter-ego Zack Mayo working Sunset Blvd, none of us would have any need for Julia Roberts these days.
STARSHIP TROOPERS
Casper Van Dien should work more, dontcha think???
Paul Verhoeven is a total perv, and I love him for it. Basic Instinct. Robocop. And Starship Troopers is his wonkiest wankfest of a movie. And all the boy and girl soldiers shower together. Just like life should be. But with maybe more guys than girls. In the showers, I mean!!!
Watch the nude-tastic, NSFW shower scene here!
Yay! Showering in space ROCKS!!!!!!!!!
G.I. JANE
You better work, Demi.
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
OK, there’s nothing really gay about this one. I just think Brad Pitt is still very handsome and likable. And I do sort of fantasize that I’d be attacked in the woods by Eli Roth and this gang or ne’er-do-wells. And that German actor Til Schweiger is really pretty too. Plus, they burn up Hitler at the end!!!! Helleaux.
And now, of course…
TOP GUN
I’m not even sure what else there is to say about this one. Quentin Tarantino said it best in his party rant in Sleep With Me. “Man, you can ride my tail anytime!!!!!!!!!” is one of the purest lines of dialogue in film history. And it’s got Kelly McGillis as the smoldering lesbian female lead!!!
And lots of leering, sweat, off-screen butt-f**king. And volleyball!!!! And Kenny Loggins.
“Goose, ya big STUD… Take me to bed, or lose me forever!!!!!!!!”
Thank god now our fine men and women in the military can join together and watch this homo film legend in barracks from sea to shining sea.
AND FINALLY…
If only Gomer and Sergeant Carter could have lived to see this moment… The world could have shared in their love.
And of course, I’ve only scratched the surface… Who are your favorite on-screen soldier studs? I know I’ve forgotten tons. School me! Make me drop and give you twenty!!!! Meet you behind the mess hall, you dirty recruit!!!
And congrats to all the gay Army/Marines/Navy/Air Force/Coast Guard men and women out there!!!
