Everyone is obsessed with Downton Abbey, especially champion recapper Margaret Bristol. I must admit I’m not as into it as Margaret is, nor am I quite as taken with the show as are many of my friends. But there is one person on the show who I enjoy mightily, and who I think would probably make the perfect boyfriend: Cousin Matthew. Okay, I know it’s gross that he and his future wife, Mary, are cousins, but chillax. In this scenario, you’re sure as hell not related to him. And since you’ve got to wait awhile before the next season starts up here in the U.S., you may as well engage in a little boyfriend fantasizing about sexytown Cousin Matty. Here are five reasons why this no-longer-disabled veteran of foreign wars is the perfect boyfriend.
1.) He’ll put your needs before his.
Evidence: Dumping Lavinia from his sickbed.
Sweet, probably-a-better-person-than-Mary Lavinia was all set to marry Matthew when he got his lower body screwed up with an inconvenient spinal cord injury. She wanted to stick with him, but he knew that her life would be better if she were able to marry and have children. Even though he was in love with her, he set her free. And then they got back together. And then he kissed his cousin. And then Lavinia totally died from the Spanish Influenza. But whatevs, let’s focus on his original selfless thinking.
2.) His dick works now.
Evidence: The graphic sex scene in the Christmas episode. J/K! Just, y’know, context clues.
If you are a lady, congratulations! You and Cousin Matthew can now make babies! Because spinal cord injuries, like all wounds, generally heal via the power of magical thinking and the Dowager Countess’s dignified wrinkles. Presumably, Matthew is ready for tons of humps precisely because he lived with the sad reality of being unhumpable for at least a minute.
3.) He’s got a sensible attitude towards his gobs of money.
Evidence: Matthew grew up middle class-ish and doesn’t lose his mind over inheriting Downton.
So okay, maybe Matthew was never exactly impoverished and was pretty much a reasonably well-to-do guy to begin with. But! He could’ve gone buck-wild and started throwing his money around everywhere once he found out he was going to inherit Downton one day. After all, he’s got a big estate coming to him that he could sell off to some filthy American millionaire or something, right? Right? Ah, but nay. Matthew’s too classy for that. And he’s no lazy rich boy toolbelt — he’s got a real work ethic. What a catch!
4.) He’s nonjudgmental about your sexual history.
Evidence: he’s cool with the fact that Mary sex-killed a foreigner.
We’ve all knocked boots with weird guys in the past, but very few of us have accidentally murdered someone with the magic of our lusty loins. Cousin Matthew is so awesome that he accepts Mary’s scary past, ignoring the obvious evidence that her vagina is a stone-cold killer.
5.) THAT ACCENT.
Evidence: THAT ACCENT.
Mmmmm, that posh intonation is too yummy for words. Life with Cousin Matthew would turn even a “pass the butter” request into foreplay. Mm mm MM!