[caption id="attachment_37706" align="aligncenter" width="607" caption="The lovely Mary and Sybil with their bitch sister Edith"][/caption]

Anglophiles rejoice! Last night’s return of the much-anticipated PBS series Downton Abbey did not disappoint. If you’re a newbie, Downton Abbey is home to the Earl of Grantham, his family and a slew of servants. The Earl’s real last name is Crawley. Confusing, yes we know.

When we last left our favorite well-run yet amazingly dysfunctional household, we saw big changes afoot for the Crawleys and their staffers as patriarch Lord Grantham declared that Britain was at war with Germany – just a little skirmish we know now as World War I. After that premiere, it’s obvious nothing will ever be the same --except for the Laura Linney intros.

The New Recruits

Oh look! There is a new ginger maid to replace the last ginger maid who got a job as a secretary. Except this one is a bitch. She better watch out… you never know when O’Brien will frame your for theft or kill your unborn child. Or torture you by making you stare at her horrible hair for hours on end.

We also met the new valet, Lang. He’s just home from the war and has some major PTSD issues. O’Brien’s brother suffered from the same, and seeing her softer side was refreshing. I guess war really does change everything (except her horrible hair).

Bombs Away

After the explosive opening, the first metaphorical bombshell hits. Matthew, now serving for the British army, is engaged. And not to Mary. Sorry incest lovers, he’s fallen for a girl named Lavinia Swire and wants to bring her to Downton for dinner. Sad faces and dramatic music for everyone, especially the incest loving creeps. With impeccable timing, Grandma Crawley aka Professor McGonagall saves the day with one of her zingers. When it’s explained that Mary and Matthew will meet at the house because they are taking different modes of transport from London, Grandma McGonagall responds: “Well that’s a relief. I hate Greek drama. You know, where everything happens offstage.” We do too Professor, we do too. Ten points to Gryffindor.

The Future Florence Nightingale

Cousin Isobel, who is like the 1910s version of a really annoying Greenpeace employee, has convinced Sybil to become a nurse. But in order to get into nursing school, she has to be able to cook and clean or something. Mrs. Patmore teaches her to make a cake, so now she can tend to the wounded. Honestly, this bit of the story was clearly the reach at something light-hearted amidst the war drama. But because it’s Sybil and I love her feminism (and she’s not Edith), I’ll go with it.

Sexy socialist chauffeur Branson, who doesn’t get nearly enough screen time, sees her off (props to Sybil for being “the first one to leave the nest”). While it was always as clear as day, he stares her down with his baby blues and finally professes his love for our Lady Sybil, who ends up getting a nursing job at the Downton hospital. She’s traded her hats for a head scarf but she still looks hella fierce.

Mary Crawley: My Spirit Animal

You have to respect Mary Crawley. When she finds out about the engagement, she puts on a smile more fake than Kim Zolciak’s hair. We get a quick taste at Mary’s humanity as she cries, which is nice because the audience needs to be reminded that she isn’t a robot. Matthew shows up with his new fiancé, and crap. She’s pretty. Like really pretty. And she’s wearing Kim Kardashian’s wedding headpiece.

In arguably the most heart-wrenching moment of the night, Mary decides to see her cousin off to war at the train station. She is sincerely concerned for Matthew’s safety, and without too much pretext, gives him her lucky charm to take with him. She is all smiles and pillar of strength-y, but you know that inside she is crying hysterically at the thought she may never see her cousin/man of her dreams again. She cries on the inside. I cry on the outside. Pass me a tissue, please.

Things aren’t all bad for Mary. She’s got a own gentleman caller, Richard Carlisle, a Rupert Murdoch-type who is in the newspaper business. He’s a bit older, but it’s better than having a man die in your bed, like poor Mr. Pamuk.

I really don’t see the appeal of Richard Carlisle outside of his money. It’s clear he’s new money and doesn’t fit in with Downton crowd. Plus, it seems he has some dark information about Lavinia, which I hope is way worse than sexing a man to death.

Richard only sees the robot side of Mary, and his proposal sounded like more of a business pitch than anything else. Is Mary changing with the war too? Am I that slow that I am just starting to see that this is the theme of this season?

P.S. Mary’s hats should win an Emmy.

Meanwhile, The Poor People…

Back to the help! Bates is back and he sort of asks Anna to marry him -- once he can finally convince his wife to get a divorce. (Side note: Does anyone else think it sounds like Anna is calling him “masturbates?”) The new couple has big plans to sell the Bates family home and start a family. Maybe even open a bed and breakfast. They are starting to sound like a retired couple living in Vermont and I love them for it. The estranged Mrs. Bates (played by Maria Doyle Kennedy who you might recognize from The Tudors and Dexter) shows up and she has no interest in living single like Queen Latifah. And crap. She knows about Mary and her brush with necrophilia from last season. I guess love doesn’t conquer all when there’s blackmail. Cue the dramatic music and the sound of Anna’s heart breaking as Bates leaves Downton with his demon spouse. I was shrieking like Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink. WHAT ABOUT VERMONT, BATES?

Back in the kitchens, footman William is sad. After receiving a white feather at the concert (a symbol of cowardice) and one of Edith’s horrible comments, he wants nothing more than to enlist. Grandma McGonagall has had the doctor write medical excuses for William and Molesley (the butler at Isobel and Matthew’s cottage). Is she Slytherin or something now? Cousin Isobel figures it all out and exposes the lie, which was a dick move. When Kitchen maid Daisy decides to plant a kiss on him to cheer him up, he thinks she’s his girlfriend. Guys, we have a stage five clinger!

Cowardice, one of the major themes in the episode, comes up again when Mrs. Patmore tries to track down her nephew in the war. Lord Grantham pulls some strings, and uncovers that he was deemed a coward and killed by his own regiment. Now, Mrs. Patmore is being overprotective of William, who was called to the army when his fake medical excuse was exposed. The cook has convinced Daisy to pretend to have feelings for him.

Now for the “Julian Fellowes, I will kill you if you do that” moment of the night. I basically needed a diaper when Mr. Carson collapsed, but thankfully, he’s OK. Don’t even try to go there Fellowes.

You’re a Virgin Who Can’t Drive

I am only writing about Edith because I have to so I’m just going to point out the horrible things she did in the episode. 1. Spilled the beans about Matthew and Lavinia. 2. Made a snotty comment to William. 3. Suggested Sybil bring a dress to nursing school. 4. Made fun of Mary for praying. 5. Complained about her dress rather than help Carson. 6. She made out with the dropsy guy from season one, even though he was married. She is the worst.

War, What Is It Good For?

Look who we found in the trenches. It’s everyone’s our favorite conniving/tortured/sexpot gay footman turned medic Thomas! Sadly, his escape from Downton has just brought him to the front of the battlefield. And even though class lines are blurred and he’s fighting alongside Matthew, he’s just not cut out for war. He’s writing emo letters to O’Brien and probably listening to The Smiths. So what does any logical non-sociopathic person do? They light a cigarette and get shot in the hand (on purpose) so they can get the hell back to England. A “deliverance” for Thomas and for us.

Thomas and O’Brien are the Downton version of Bert and Ernie, but with cigarettes. I loved how O’Brien manipulated Cora into getting Thomas back to Downton. If Cora is the head, O’Brien is now her neck. Luckily the bullet didn’t ruin Thomas’s smoking hand, so the two can enjoy a celebratory cig when he returns.

Like O’Brien, we see some tenderness in Thomas as he cares for a soldier who was blinded by poison gas. Their bond grows quickly, and I was really hoping that Thomas had found a love interest. Nope. The wounded soldier kills himself because he can’t face the world without having Thomas and Sybil around to help him recover. Thomas doesn’t take the news well, and neither did I.

Because of the overflow from the hospital, Isobel and Sybil are fighting for Downton to become a convalescent home. New ways of thinking are challenging the old and the residents and staff of the household are set to face a “brave new world.”

Overall, a brilliant start to the season. What say you, Downtoneers? Do you like Lavinia? How hard did you want to punch Edith in the face? Tell us in the comments.