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‘Downton Abbey’ Recap: One Wedding and a Funeral

[caption id="attachment_39339" align="aligncenter" width="607" caption="Matthew is having one of those weeks..."][/caption]

Tonight marked the halfway point of Downton Abbey’s second season. In perfect synergy, we opened with Matthew leading prepping his platoon for battle with a speech that would have been better suited for a halftime at a high school football game (Downton Dillon, anyone?). Band of Brothers this is not, but we did finally get a decent depiction of war and the realities that come with it. If you’ve finally finished clutching your pearls, read on for the rundown of this week’s episode.

Supernatural

Both Daisy and Mary had their sixth sense working in full effect by getting that “Something bad just happened” shiver down their spine. If anything, Julian Fellowes is in love with foreshadowing, so it wasn’t too much of a surprise to see that both Matthew and William were injured on the battlefield. But how badly? I spent most of the hour wondering if I needed to find Julian Fellowes home address and go all Misery on his ass, but we’ll get to that in a bit.

Pajama Party

Rule of thumb: bad news should always be delivered in the middle of the night for peak dramatic effect. And so we can see the Crawleys and the staff in their pajamas. Cora, Mary and Sybil sleep in elegant silks and Edith wears a potato sack. Other notables: O’Brien’s hybrid turban/shower cap, Carson’s grandpa on Christmas morning robe, Bates’s (sexy?) bed head. And Thomas, oh wait, he couldn’t be bothered to get up because gurl, he needs his beauty sleep.

Matthew was seriously injured, but they are sending him back to Downton General Hospital. William was also hurt, but because he’s not an officer, he’s getting sent to their equivalent to a crappy county hospital that has like two medical interns and nursing student. Grandma McGonagall is NOT okay with that (remember she tried to get William out of having to serve at all), so she starts to fight the power and bring William home. Her winning line of the night? “It always happens. When you give these little people power it goes to their heads like strong drink.” Side note: I think every episode going forward should have Maggie Smith talking on the telephone to her nephew, Shrimpy.

Bringing Down Bates

Our favorite schemers, O’Brien and Thomas are at it again. Apparently, O’Brien has written a letter to Bates’s wife, telling her that he was back working at Downton and making big promises to Anna. O’Brien is feeling guilty about it, mostly because of the news about Matthew and William. When she looks to her bestie for some sympathy, he RSVPs no to her pity party because it wasn’t his idea.

Bates and Anna are already planning their wedding, which seems foolhardy since he is still married to the succubus Vera, who comes back to Downton to get her man. I love Anna, but she is so blinded by love she could end up being the star of her own Lifetime movie someday. It would be called Limping Toward Desire.

Liar Liar

As much as Daisy cares for William’s health, I felt like I caught an “Oh Crap” expression. Now that he’s injured, he probably won’t have to serve, and she’s gonna have to tell him that she’s just not that into him.

When we get a look at William, it doesn’t look so good. The doctor says he’s dying, and it’s arranged for him to spend his last days at Downton. Daisy is being forced to keep up the façade, because she doesn’t want to break a dying man’s heart. The two are married in the saddest ceremony of all time. Not only because of the dying groom, but because grandma McGonagall didn’t try to rearrange a single flower and they didn’t serve any food. Instead of a reception, William dies. Normally, this would be my “Julian Fellowes, I am coming to hurt you” moment, but William’s death helps show the impact of the war. He did not die in vain, he died in drama.

Burying the Past

We’ve seen Mary go into crisis mode before (poor, Mr. Pamuk). This time, her stoicism can be put to good use as she readies herself to help nurse Matthew back to health when he returns to Downton. She seems to have forgotten all about little Lavinia, who would probably be better for the job, since she is Matthew’s fiancé and all. However, until she arrives, Mary is going to nurse her cousin back to health, because of her incest love.

Did anyone else think Matthew looked dead when they brought him in on the stretcher?! Either that or he was shooting a cameo as zombie on The Walking Dead. According the gift tag (Really? That’s how they kept records of injuries?!) on Matthew’s shirt, he may have spinal damage. And the best medicine for that, according to Sybil, is to have his two female cousins give him a sponge bath. I’m pretty sure other movies have started that way, and they have all starred Jenna Jameson.

Which brings us back to Mary’s season one scandal, which Vera Bates is threatening to expose. Mary now has to ask her fiancé Richard (did you forget she was engaged? Because I did.) to help her bury her past. He pays of Vera, and now Mary owes him big time. Guys, Richard is horrible! All he wants is a business partner and money and he has wife beater written all over his face. Mary’s looking destined for a Lifetime movie as well, Sexed to Death.

Maid to Order

Ethel’s had her baby, and she’s relying on Mrs. Hughes to bring her food to get by. Her baby daddy is coming back to Downton, and Ethel is desparately trying to get a letter to him. Mrs. Hughes does her best to get Major Bryant to man up, but he is hell bent on being a deadbeat dad. Clearly Ethel has never heard any proud son talk about his single mother working to get him through life. Really, she should meet Downton’s new maid, Jane, a war widow trying to put food on the table for her son.

Branson + Sybil

What should we call Sybil and Branson? Their names are too hard to combine into something fun and easy. Sybson? Branbil? This budding romance kicked it up a notch this week with talk about feelings. And in the biggest tease, Sybil ALMOST kisses Branson, just to leave him standing there to brood. Oh yes, there will be brooding.

Wheelchair Bound: The Incredible Journey

Matthew has legs, but because his spine is broken, he won’t know how to use them. He can no longer walk. This is sad news and Lord Grantham’s first question to the doctor is… will his penis work? Matthew is the heir, and if he can’t produce kids, well… then Downton: The Next Generation will basically be the same story told twice.

Rather than keep Lavinia in a sexless marriage, Matthew sends her away. Even after she tells him she doesn’t care about sex (virgin alert!), he refuses to take away her chance at having a normal life. When Mary finds out his weiner isn’t gonna work, her face is priceless. All dreams of sexing her cousin are crushed, but yet she still sits by his bedside, wiping vomit away from his mouth. So basically, Mary Crawley is now living my college experience.

What did you think of the episode? Were you mad about William’s death? Were you happy about the lack of Edith? Are you concerned about Matthew’s penis functionality? Discuss in the comments!

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