Previously on Downton Abbey, just as Lady Mary gave birth to a bouncing baby boy, ensuring that the patriarchal legacy of the Granthams will live on for at least one more generation, her husband Matthew Crawley came down with a sudden and shocking case of Caruso Syndrome. That tragic malady where an actor on a popular television show decides that his true fame and fortune can be found on the big screen. Sadly, cases of Caruso Syndrome tend to be fatal—at least to one’s careers. RIP, Matthew.

Anyway, six months have passed since Matthew went on to the great beyond (give it another six, and he’ll show up on CSI: Manchester.) In the meantime Lady Grantham’s maid O’Brien has snuck out, like a twink in the night (seriously, how do they manage to get away so fast?)

Lady Mary is suitably depressed over her dearly departed husband, and not even her daily 5 minutes of bonding with Baby George can cheer her up. Branson believes that something should be done to stir Lady Mary out of her doldrums. He advises that Lord Grantham get Lady Mary interested in helping to run the estate. Lord Grantham, who seems to learn every season that his daughters are capable modern women but manages to regress back to Neanderthal status by the beginning of the next, demurs. Branson furrows his forehead, which is his way of communicating that he is plotting against his former father-in-law, but which mostly just performs wonders for my beating heart. Seriously, I’d plan revolution with Branson any day. I just can’t wait until Downton gets to an era that allows pool parties so we can see him shirtless…

Branson enlists Carson to help him encourage Lady Mary to come out of her widow’s weeds. Carson gives it a go but Lady Mary delivers a thunderous smackdown, basically telling him to mind his own dang business and not to be so forward with her again. Ohh, I can smell what the Rock is cooking! I imagine Carson is going to run off with his tails between his legs (get what I did there?) but instead he tells Lady Mary, “You’re letting yourself be defeated.” Good for Carson! He should stand up to her. It’s not like she pays his salary—oh, wait…

Mary has a meltdown at dinner and Lord Grantham gets all “I told you so” with the rest of the family for pushing Mary to wear some color other than black. Still, the Dowager Countess won’t have it, and goes up to Mary's room to try and talk some sense into her. Mary goes to her father, but he’s no help; she then goes to her pseudo-father, Carson, and finally releases all the pent-up emotions she’s kept churning inside the past 6 months in a flood of tears—which lasts all of about 7 seconds. Then, pip pip, cheerio, and all that, she’s practically good as new and decides to get involved in the running of Downton Abbey after all. Lord Grantham won’t know what hit him…

The Dowager Countess has a couple of causes this episode to keep her occupied. First, she tries to liven the spirits of glum Cousin Isobelle, still bereft after son Matthew’s passing. DC also tries to help sad sack butler Molesley, now unemployed because Matthew forgot to keep his hands at 10 and 2.

Her friend, Lady Shackleton, might be in need of a manservant, so DC invites her luncheon and gets Moseley to serve, hoping he’ll make a winning impression. But DC’s own butler, Spratt, thinks Moseley is after his job and, hilariously, sabotages Molesley at every turn. Molesley really is the resident Job of Downton Abbey. Could this guy have any worse luck?

Meanwhile, it is Valentine’s Day and cards have been sent to some lucky ladies. Anna and Bates each receive their Valentine, and get all kissy-kissy over it. Aww, am I the only one kind of over these two? I am? Okay, just checking. The kitchen maid Ivy also receives one, as does Daisy, and this causes some manner of speculation as to who sent them (apparently, one sends Valentines anonymously in this time period. That seems odd to me. Who would I know to put out for later if my Valentine wouldn’t sign his name? I mean, if someone sends you a Valentine, you sort of have to put out, right? That’s just good manners, isn’t it?) Ivy hopes that Jimmy sent hers, and Daisy hopes that Alfred sent hers, but Alfred sent his to Master Bruce, who sent one to Dick Grayson, but never to that other Robin who everyone hates—wait, sorry, wrong show.

The anonymous Valentines cause all sorts of commotion amongst the servants, so Alfred fesses up to sending his valentine to Ivy, while Jimmy apparently sent none at all to anyone at Downton. So who sent Daisy her Valentine? None other than Mrs. Patmore. Aww…that’s so sweet! It’s like that one Valentine’s Day when I didn’t have a date so my Mom took me out for ice cream at Friendly’s…what year was that again? 1988? 1989? Oh, I remember: it was 1988…and 89…in fact, it was 1988-1998. Seriously, I should be medicated.

Lady Edith has also received a Valentine, this one from Michael Gregson, her editor and love interest in London. She goes to London and he meets her train with wonderful news: while it may be illegal for him to divorce his cuckoo-banana-pants wife in England, there are other countries in Europe where he can. Isn’t it exciting to know that a man will dump all his burdens for you? Nothing says love like tossing over the mentally ill person you promised to be with through sickness and health.

Lady Edith considers Gregson’s news and replies, “You’d join the most hated race in Europe… for me?” She swoons and demands that he kiss her, right there, in the restaurant, in front of actual other people. Trollop! Actually, it might be romantic if it wasn’t so…sad. I mean, I realize Lady Edith has long been confused with Isis by the other members of her family, but I just don’t get it. In the 1920’s peacock-inspired gown she is wearing in this scene Lady Edith is hot, hot, hawt. She can do better than this Mr. Rochester wannabe, that’s for sure. Hold out for a hottie, Lady E! I hear Taye Diggs is single now…

The Downton Abbey staff has some new additions cycling through this week. First off, there's the new Nanny, Mrs. West, hired to look after baby George and little Sybbie. She immediately gets on the wrong side of Thomas by acting as if the children wouldn’t be safe around him. (Considering Thomas once kidnapped Lord Grantham’s dog, her fears don’t seem completely misplaced.)

To get back at her, scheming Thomas tells Lady Grantham there’s something not right about the nanny so she decides to check it out for herself. By sheer coincidence, Thomas is right and Nanny West truly is a wrong-un! Turns out she dotes on the blue-blooded George but is vicious and nasty to poor blue-collar Sybbie. When Lady Grantham finds out she sacks Nanny West on the spot.

Cousin Rose—if you don’t remember who she is, just picture Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch in a flapper dress—feels responsible for O’Brien’s abrupt departure seeing as how it was her mother Lady Flincher who stole O’Brien away to India. So she puts an employment advertisement up in a local shop and that attracts the patently devious Edna Braithwaite.

Lady Grantham goes to meet Braithwaite, saying to her, “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?” Edna replies, “Yep. On top of your former son-in-law!” Actually, Edna tells Lady Grantham that she once worked at Downton for a few months, and it’s utterly distressing to me that Lady Grantham does not recognize someone who literally lived in her house for a while.

Part 2

Edna Braithwaite gets the gig as Lady Grantham’s lady’s maid, and she fills in nicely for O’Brien by immediately scheming with Thomas. You know she’s a bad egg because she burned one of Lady Grantham’s favorite dresses. But with Thomas’ help and guidance she manages to make Lady Grantham think it was Anna’s fault.

How can anyone plot against Anna? She’s the sweetest resident of Downton, offering succor to poor Molesley when she finds him working on a chain gang (seriously, I half expected to hear Morgan Freeman narrating in the background of this scene.) She expresses her concern to Bates, who promptly formulates a plan…

Knowing Molesley would never accept charity, Bates gets the Dowager Countess to cough up thirty pounds and then forges an IOU indicating he owes Moseley just that amount. He then “repays the loan” to a very confused Molesley. When Anna asks Bates why he did it, he tells her that she has had to put up with so much from him (his cranky first wife, prison, his weird fetish about dressing her up in a clown costume, honking nose and all) that whenever he has a chance to make her happy, he will. Aww…was I earlier complaining about these two? Now I love these two! Anna smiles and then asks Bates how he managed to pull off the subterfuge and forged IOU. Bates only replies, “Prison was an education.” Thomas looks thoughtful and makes a mental note about prison and soap-dropping, should he and Bates ever find themselves showering down after cricket. (Beggars, perhaps, cannot be choosers…)

In other Downton staff news, Jimmy is still flirting mightily with Ivy, while Alfred, a.k.a. Gingy Spice, fumes. For her part Daisy pines for Gingy. This has been going on for awhile now. Am I the only one who thinks Gingy Spice and JimmyGoodHair just need to make-out and get it over with?

The big news upstairs is that a box has arrived from Matthew Crawley’s office which includes a letter to Mary stating his intent that she be his sole heir. Lord Grantham is flustered by all the fuss and wonders if this is even legal (how can a girl own property, he chauvinistically wonders,) while the Dowager Countess is adamant that Mary be told immediately. If Lord Grantham doesn’t do it, she’ll do it herself.

Lord Grantham does tell Mary and then the whole family. Everyone seems excited about the prospect except his lordship, who decides to play a swift round of manor-house Jeopardy during supper. Topics included Farming Woes, Livestock Lamentations, Potent Potables, and Why Lord Grantham is a Douchebag. Taking the latter for $500, Mary frets that she may not be up to the task.

Lord Grantham checks with the family lawyers, and much to his chagrin it turns out Matthew’s wishes are valid, and that Mary now owns half of Downton. He expects she’ll just go along with what he wants, but she makes it clear that that’s not happening anytime soon. Ooh, I just love a family feud…especially when Richard Dawson was host. Has any other man ever made a pinky ring look so good?

The Dowager Countess has Mary over for a tête-à-tête with Branson—err, Tom, actually, as Mary informs the DC she has to call him now. Poor DC is confused by all this, but it does bring about the best line of the night, as the DC notes: “How I sympathize with King Canute.” Ha! Mildly obscure historical references rock! And hey, maybe the DC has to call him Tom, but in my lurid imagination he will always be Branson, especially when he is taking me out in that roadster for a picnic and promises to show me what is underneath the seventeen layers of tweed he is forced to daily wear. (Though I would imagine shouting out “Branson!” in the throes of sweaty ecstasy might make it seem as if one is really just happy to be watching cheesy musical revues in Missouri.) The DC thinks that Branson would be perfect to teach Mary the ins and outs of running the manor. They both agree, and they also agree to keep the plan from Lord Grantham. Branson begins to show Mary what she has inherited.

Meanwhile, Cousin Rose has decided that Downton Abbey is as boring as cardboard panty shields and wants to go mad clubbing and snort some blow like it’s 1986. Actually she wants to attend a tea dance in York. The problem is, if she asks Lady Grantham for permission, the old bat will likely say no, since it isn’t proper and no one has asked Lady Grantham’s tea for a dance in quite some time. Rose tries to convince Anna that, if she were to go and act as a chaperone, it would all be okay. Anna says she would not consider it, at least not without asking Mary for permission. Rose pouts, so Anna broaches the subject when she and Mary enjoy a lighthearted exchange over a bottle of dropped perfume (As Mary observes: “This room is going to smell like a tart’s boudoir.” Funnily enough, “tart’s boudoir” was my nickname on my high school football team. Ahh, fond memories…)

With Mary's permission, Cousin Rose and Anna go to York. Jimmy is there as well, running errands for Mrs. Patmore, and spots them going into the tea dance. Immediately after entering a handsome young undergardener (does this mean that somewhere out there is an overgardener?) named Sam Thorley asks Rose to dance. She happily does so, passing herself off as a housemaid in training to be a lady’s maid. Rose is happy slumming it, but all this “touching the unwashed masses” makes Anna nervous. Rose spends the afternoon doing the boxtrot with Sam (I swear that’s not a euphemism, as I’m pretty sure the upper crust folks at Downton aren’t allowed to euphemize,) until an uncouth man tries to snatch her away. A fight ensues, and Jimmy and Anna whisk Rose away to safety.

Sam Thorley the undergardener later shows up at Downton to see if “Rose the housemaid” is okay. Problem! Anna intercepts him and dresses up Rose as a housemaid so she can give him a gentle brush off, Lucy-and-Ethel style. Next week that wacky pair is going to get jobs in a chocolate factory. Rose is surprisingly sweet about it all, telling Sam that she is already promised to someone else and that he deserves a woman better than her. He takes it well, but I somehow don’t think we’ve seen the last of him…

Checking in with everyone’s favorite proto-feminist, Lady Edith is spending quality time in London with her married beau Gregson. Gregson does a stirring rendition of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” and encourages Edith to stay late and get intimate with him. He puts his hand on her knee and, seriously, I just want to slap it off. Dear Downton Gods: Please make Gregson go away. I mean, I’m somewhat secure in the fact that every time Edith is interested in a man it goes horribly, horribly awry, so I have hopes this will too. Probably Gregson will be hit by a meteorite or, worse yet, someone will invent Prozac and his wife will be magically cured. Still, I hope whatever is going to happen happens sooner rather than later. Edith spurs Gregson’s invitation, but tells him, “It’s getting harder and harder to say no.”

So Edith is on the verge of being seduced! Cousin Rose is slumming! Mary is on the mend amd Edna Braithwaite is on the make! And resident gay character Thomas... isn't doing much of anything. Whatever will happen next? And do you all understand how hard it is to make jokes about Downton Abbey? It’s not exactly a laugh riot, after all. Please be merciful in your comments below!