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Does It Matter That My Boyfriend Is Twice My Age?

Related: “Hobbit” Actor Stephen Fry Marrying Boyfriend Elliott Spencer

Thankfully, in the wake of headlines calling Spencer a “toyboy” and tweets describing Fry as “disgusting” came a flurry of think pieces unpacking and defending intergenerational gay relationships. Many supporters observed that much of the criticism was rooted in the persistent stereotype that gay men are predators looking for fresh young things. Also called out was the media’s double standard when it comes to straight male stars wooing significantly younger women: Johnny Depp is 51, after all, while his new wife, Amber Heard, is 28. But the fact remains, whether you’re gay or straight, 30 years is not a negligible difference. Is age really just a number?

[caption id="attachment_183070" align="aligncenter" width="610"] Dustin Lance Black and Tom Daley[/caption]

I'm 25 and my—for lack of a better word—"boyfriend" is 51. That's more than twice my age—when I was born, he was older than I am now. When we started seeing each other almost four years ago, the summer before my senior year of college, neither of us was looking for love. Not with one another, anyway. We met the new old-fashioned way (online), slept together once... and then kept sleeping together, almost every night, for months. The rest, as they say, is history.

Related: Gay-December Romance: 10 Celebrity Couples With A Big Age Gap

Certainly, I liked that he was older: His salt-and-pepper good looks, impressive career and wealth of experience all appealed to me. And he had a well-established type, too (Read: young). But as time has passed and I’ve gone from college student to college professor, the gap between us has become markedly less pronounced. These days, we mostly enjoy a “marriage” of equals: Though he’s more financially stable and has paid for the occasional plane ticket (with miles!), we mostly go dutch. I’m just as likely to give him advice as he is to me.

And our arguments, more often than not, are about the same things most couples fight over—perceived slights, domestic grievances and the like—not some fundamental difference of perspective.

[caption id="attachment_183071" align="aligncenter" width="610"]66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals Matt Bomer and Simon Halls[/caption]

Still, there are moments when I’m reminded just how wide our 26-year gap stretches—like when he mentions watching the first lunar landing on TV as a kid, and it suddenly occurs to me that he was born into a world where men on the moon were not a given. And more than the moon, of course: we came of age of in vastly different cultural landscapes, between which the expectations and possibilities of being gay have changed profoundly.

He came of age during the worst of the AIDS crisis. I came out in the sixth grade and grew up believing in the inevitability of marriage equality.

[caption id="attachment_157439" align="aligncenter" width="650"]Gerald McCullouch and Darren Young.jpg Gerald McCullouch and Darren Young[/caption]

Until I fell in love with a much older man, I had fairly traditional visions of my future: a house, a picket fence, Christmas cards signed by both of us. To my boyfriend, however, the pleasures of a queer life come from bucking convention and fucking freely.

I'm grateful to have expanded my worldview, even if I'd sometimes prefer a less unspoken commitment.

[caption id="attachment_183072" align="aligncenter" width="634"]tumblr_ng2zyzEyDe1rxrmvmo4_1280 Scott Bakula and Murray Bartlett on "Looking"[/caption]

For the most part, I’m happier with him than I ever could have imagined being—with anyone. That he happens to be closer to my parents’ ages than mine is a reality I don’t dwell on much. But when a photo appears in my Facebook feed of a gay friend’s newborn—a younger friend I know through him, actually—I do feel a pang of what I might be giving up if four years turns into ten, and then who knows how long.

Related: Ask The Expert: Is He Too Old To Date?

I'm not sure I even want children but the prospect becomes increasingly less likely the longer we stay together. In more ways than one, the math is not on our side. Then again, when has love ever been a simple equation?

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