The race for president is well under way—and kooky as ever. Reporters have been busy digging up every inch of dirt on Hillary, Bernie and the 37 Republican candidates.
But let’s shift focus, though, and check out the folks along for the ride—the spouses of these would-be Commander In Chiefs. They may not be running for office, but any one of them could still get to spend four or eight years in DC’s finest Airbnb.
We’re all going to miss Michelle Obama’s grace, poise, style, and killer triceps—but time marches on. Below, we have a kiki over the next possible First Lady—or First Gentleman—of the United States.
Jane O’Meara Sanders, wife of Bernie SandersBloomberg/Getty Images
This Brooklyn-born scholar and social worker would bring the spirit of the ’60s to Pennsylvania Avenue. She looks like the type of Earth Mother you’d get into a lengthy conversation with about literary theory at your local food co-op.
A former president herself (of Burlington College,) Jane’s intellect and compassion make her a fine choice for First Lady. Plus, think of the flowing batique fashions! Feminist hipsters rejoice! Jane IS YOUR MOTHER.
Heidi Cruz, wife of Ted CruzMark Wilson/ Getty Images
Shade, no shade: Heidi Cruz gives us some serious American Horror Story: Election vibes. She’d be played by a digital composite of Sarah Paulson and Jessica Lange, of course, and in the end we’d find out she was dead the whole time.
Fantasy aside, Heidi is an investment manager at Goldman Sachs, with an MBA from Harvard Business School. Girlfriend is motivated, smart and rich—in addition to having voluminous tresses and a colorful wardrobe.
Don’t trust her, though—there’s dark secrets in those dark roots.
Jeanette Dousdebes Rubio, wife of Marco RubioJoe Raedle/ Getty Images
Bravo might have to reboot The Real Housewives Of DC if Jeanette Rubio becomes First Lady. She’s very that.
We’re not saying she’s basic, but you just know the minute the cameras turn off, Jeanette slips into a pair of UGGs and an infinity scarf as an aide hands her a freshly steamed pumpkin spice latte. (Though, if we had four kids we’d be living in shearling flats too.)
Jeanette is not just a mom, though, she’s also a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader! Is there anything more American than that? We’re not fans of her husband, but at least if Jeanette becomes First Lady, we know that there will be a certain level of glamour in the White House. Mall level glamour. BCBG inauguration gown glamour. (Shivers.)
Melania Trump, wife of Donald TrumpBrendan Hoffman/Getty Images
If the Trumps make it to the White House, you’d better believe that this former model is going to go give it a serious makeover. In her husband’s favorite precious metal, of course: gold. EVERYTHING GOLD!
Her first order of business will be to fill the West Wing pool with doubloon so the Donald can take a dip like his idol, Scrooge McDuck. As an immigrant from Slovenia (side-eye to your immigration policies, Donald) Melania has a skin-care brand, and a jewelry and watch line she hawks on QVC. A reality TV star and home-shopping magnate as president and First Lady.
Candy Carson, wife of Ben CarsonGetty
Candy got a lot of shade—unfairly, we might add—for being frumpy. Sure, some of the other wives look like trophy wives (Melania, we’re looking at you), but Candy pulled herself up from poverty to become an accomplished businesswoman and concert violinist. She also raised three sons with her presidential-hopeful husband.
In fact, Ben’s devotion to his wife of 40 years may be the only thing we like about the guy.
Frank Fiorina, husband of Carly FiorinaKevork Djansezian/Getty Images
Sorry, Frank—we barely got to know you before Carly pulled the plug on her campaign. But we pretty much assume there was never a shot in hell, anyway.
Bill Clinton, husband of Hilary ClintonSteve Pope/Getty Images
Is there anyone alive that would make a better First Gentleman than former President Bill Clinton? He’s the dude.
Remember the ’90s? He would take healthy jogs in short shorts TO MCDONALDS!!! H.A.M. If Bill were back in the White House—with no responsibility—just think of the fun he’d have—7am: Wake and bake in the Lincoln Bedroom. 9am: Hit Starbucks to flirt with the baristas. 11am: Nap. 2pm: Beer me. 3pm to 7pm: PornHub. No Hillary. Total chill zone. 8pm: Text Hillary. Going to bed early. 9pm: Hit the clubs. 12am: Fall asleep watching Netflix in the East Wing bedroom.
C’mon! He’d be living the dream and making history as a male First Spouse.
Only time (and our votes) will tell who’s moving into to the White House in January. Good luck ladies. Good luck fellas. This is the chance of a lifetime. DON’T… f*ck it up. VOTE!