Another too brief season of Game of Thrones has ended, and this episode had everything. Dragons breathing fire, a broken engagement, a face-shifting prisoner and White Walkers. It’s that thing of where terrifying men with electric blue eyes ride dead horses with visible neck bones and musculature.
To the rankings we go.
1. House Lannister — We hate ending the season giving these creeps the win but the truth is things are looking pretty great for the world’s most horrible people. Joffrey managed to win the war with the aid of his grandfather and uncle and has now found himself a hotter slam piece to wed, one that actually wants to be with him. Tyrion is alive, thank god, and looks pretty untouched all things considered. Cersei continues to be the bitch on medieval heels we have always known her to be and even Jamie, prisoner that he may be, is getting to spend some quality time with the always awesome Brienne.
2. House Targaryen — What is up Daenerys? Our little girl is all grown up with her dragons breathing fire and ready to take on the world. She is also willing to lock lying men and her less than noble servants in massive empty safes to slowly perish. We are so excited for the moment she comes face to face with Cersei and those dragons fry that bitch.
3. House Stark — No one is really doing good from this point down but at least fan favorite Arya seems to be safe and Sansa may be getting to leave King’s Landing now that her boy J has a new lady love. Even Bran managed to avoid the burning of Winterfell, though he is now heading North which, as we will discuss later, is not a good idea. Catelynn and Robb meanwhile seem to be maxing and relaxing with no worries in the world. Creeps.
4. House Baratheon (Crazy Priestess Edition) — We got such little time with Stannis and our dear friend Melissandre, but it seems like after a fleeting desire to choke his lover to death Stannis is trying to get his life back in order after his defeat to the Lannisters. We just don’t know if staring into flames for hours on end is going to be good for him.
5. House Greyjoy — Back to the Iron Islands it is and God bless the man who decided to smack Theon in the head. That kid is such an ass.
6. Those Idiots Up North — Where to begin? Jon Snow is going to live it seems, though death may be a more appealing option after what we saw at the end of last night’s episode. Holy fuc*ing sh*t. Have you ever seen anything more frightening and slow moving at the same time than the White Walkers? While they don’t seem friendly we can totally see them becoming good pals with Dany next season. Buddy comedy!