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'Game Of Thrones' Power Rankings: Week 1

[caption id="attachment_95271" align="aligncenter" width="605"]Seasons may change, but Jon Snow stays hot. Thanks HBO! Seasons may change, but Jon Snow stays hot. Thanks HBO![/caption]

Game of Thrones is back friends, and we could not be happier. We actually spent the entire off-season reading the George R.R. Martin novels (In secret of course), so we aren't sure why we are so excited, especially since we now know what to expect, but it's good to spend Sunday nights with our goddess friends like Dany and Sansa, and our gout-ridden foes like Stannis and those losers beyond the Wall. We missed you guys!

Also back are our power rankings, which start off a bit of a mess as the premiere episode featured not one bit of future Lilith Fair founder Arya, Emily Mortimer look-alike Bran (Good call on that NY Mag), bad ass Brienne and our favorite Wiccan Osha. They best be back next week producers.

So on to the rankings...

1. House Targaryen -- Hey hey Daenerys, how you been girl? We were very, very concerned this season might take on a Life of Pi-like feel for our favorite bleach blond pyro, but we were so wrong. This is good news because we thought that movie was a giant bore and we'd much rather see Dany do what she does best, which this week included watching men have their nipples hacked off and getting tricked by shithead kids who are trying to kill her with DayGlo scorpions. RUDE! Unlike the other messes in Westeros, Dany is on an upswing as the season kicks off, with her dragons bigger and more powerful and an army of emotionless robot slaves that will clearly do as she wishes.  She also is by far the prettiest. How do we sign up for this Queen's Guard?

2. House Lannister -- These sociopaths, and psychopath Joffrey, are still in control and still plotting and scheming against one another. Poor Tyrion is looking affright with his new facial scar and can't get no love from his father; Cersei is still speaking like a Disney villain and can't get no love from her son; and Joffrey just seems focused on when he is gonna get to bang his super hot new broad. These fools are fo sho gonna fall apart soon.

3. The Cool Kids Up North -- The Wildings are kinda cool, have really great skin given the harsh weather up North and just got a hot new recruit in Jon Snow. More important, they seem as they are actually prepared to save Westeros from those extras from The Walking Dead who have wandered on over. Now be on your way you useless members of the Night's Watch.

4. House Stark -- A kingdom full of dead people and a jailed mother? Great job Robby! Seriously, does anyone actually like Robb Stark besides his super dull concubine nurse? Even his mother is now clearly wishing she stopped by the local Planned Parenthood in Winterfell 20 years earlier or at the very least popped a Plan B after Ned returned from battle that night. We are pretty sure he is actually the worst. Meanwhile, Sansa's only hope for getting out of King's Landing is a man with the facial hair of a pedophile, and that never ends well.

5. House Baratheon (Crazy Priestess Edition) -- Stannis is a mess and brooding and burning people alive to make his slam piece happy, which is never a good look. Speaking of that slam piece though, Melisandre looks amazing. Did she manage to smuggle some Creme de la Mer or something while fleeing, because everyone around her has the complexion of granite and she is glowing.

6. Those Idiots Up North -- Dear Sam and friends, we fully expect you are all dead right now as you are all completely worthless. Sorry.

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