Game of Thrones was a bit quiet this week after last week’s crazy episode. We got some time with the Starks and Lannisters and a somewhat less greasy Theon, but Stannis and his lady love were sadly MIA . We assume Stannis was likely attending to his kooky priestess following her traumatic birth last week and hope he was smart enough to get the lady a push gift.
Now on to the rankings.
1. House Lannister: That pri*k Joffrey got some dung flung in his face and a guard lost his arm, and then died, but the Lannisters are back on top this week. Old man is chilling up north still and entertaining Littlefinger (seriously, how does this guy get everywhere so fast?), and Arya seems to be a giant idiot and won’t whisper the man’s name so he’s still alive. Meanwhile, Tyrion is becoming good at putting Joffrey in his place which is always a delight to watch and the youngest daughter, Myrcella, has been shipped off to safety. Sweet wine for everyone!
2. House Geyjoy: Theon has now surpassed Joffrey as the show’s biggest pri*k after taking Winterfell from a legless child and bunch of crotchety old men. There really seems to be no benefit to taking the most northern kingdom in Westeros but hey, you do you Theon. At the very least he seems to have showered this week, though sadly his reign looks to be very, very brief.
3. House Stark: Winterfell has been seized and Sansa almost lost her V-card in some stone alley to a group of savages, but it seems like everything is going to start working out for the Stark clan. Arya is aligning herself with old man Lannister it appears, Bran has escaped Winterfell thanks to Osha’s brains and, it must be noted, amazing body and Robb, well Robb just seems to be having a giant tailgate party with his pals while hitting on some hot chick. What a crappy older brother.
4. House Targaryen: Daenerys got SCHOOLED by that jolly and fat old spice man. Girl needs to shut her mouth and marry rich black dude and get on with it. Oh yeah and her dragons are gone, likely to that spooky bald warlock dude. This is awesome news for us though because we really want to meet his friends in the House of the Undead.
5. That Idiot In The North: That’s right, no longer those idiots as Jon Snow got ditched in the Arctic. He is not entirely alone because he found a new friend — Gwen from Downton Abbey! Looks like her secretarial position didn’t work out and not wanting to be a maid again she headed north. Sybil is going to be so pissed when she finds out about this, and after everything she did for her!