This week the sisters were doing it for themselves – just don’t tell Cersei! She’ll cut you. Also: someone tell ToriAmosandre that leeches are only acceptable foreplay after the third date. Manners, girl!
Arya (Maisie Williams) awakens looking at a rock. She picks it up (revealing that she is seriously overdue for a mani) and hauls it over to where The Hound (Rory McCann) is sleeping. He tells her to go ahead – but if she doesn’t kill him, he’ll break both her paws.
Turns out The Hound is a great manny! He puts her on the horse with him, tries to feed her, and says that she’s lucky he has no interest in raping and killing her – and even reveals that he saved Sansa from a similar fate. Arya’s all, “GET. OUT.” He also tells her that he’s taking her to her mom and brother, not to King’s Landing. I’m loving these two – PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE can we have a spinoff that’s basically Curly Sue but instead of Jim Belushi it’s a fat dude with a deformed face and a brother who was way more famous than him?
Hound also tosses in a “F*ck Joffrey, f*ck the queen!” which I think actually IS a line from Curly Sue. In any case, he’s clearly changed his endgame.
Daenerys (Emilia Clarke), meanwhile, is spying on the rent-an-army who is currently protecting Yunkai since her not-so-hot meeting with Nestor Carbonell last week. Turns out they are known as the Second Sons, which sounds more like a folk band than an army, but whatever. Their captains – Mario, Wario, and Douchio – come to have audience with her, and Douchio wastes no time making enemies by making frequent references to her “c*nt” and generally behaving like the Westerian, jacked-up answer to Tucker Max. Unfortunately, he’s also INSANELY hot. (Ain’t that the way it always goes, ladies?) Wario looks like Nicholas Hoult wigged up for an as-yet-unplanned Fabio biopic – keep an eye on him.
Douchio asks to see Dany’s ladyparts, and she offers them booze instead. Welcome to Hooters! They refuse to break their contract with the Yunkai and after they leave she tells her fellas to kill the fratboy first.
Over in Dragonstone, ToriAmosandre (Carice van Houten) brings Gendry (Joe Dempsie) to Stannis (Stephen Dillane), who takes one look at him and confirms that yes, this kid is totally Robert’s blood. And Tori is totally going to kill him, but she treats him nicey-nice so as not to spook him and spoil the flavor of his lamb, or something.
Downstairs, Ser Davos (Liam Cunningham) is either teaching himself to read or recreating the scene from Goonies where Sloth asked Chunk for a Baby Ruth. Stannis visits to apologize for throwing him over for some magical chick, and Davos tells him that he’s really there because he knows he shouldn’t be letting Cornflake Girl kill off his nephew like that.
Back at Yunkai, the three fellas from Second Sons Security are discussing what to do about the whole invading army of unsullieds and dragon ladies and all that – at least, two of them are, while Douchio (Mark Killeen) just talks about his c*ck. Turns out
Wario Daario (Ed Skrein) – Nicholas Holt as Fabio – doesn’t go for whores, and has dedicated his life to the pursuit of beauty. Good luck with that in the desert without any VO5 for that mane of yours. They draw a coin to see who will sneak into Dragon Lady’s tent to kill her, and Dario picks it.
Yonder in the KL, Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) visits Sansa (Sophie Turner) on their wedding day to tell her that he totally gets it, she’s not into the whole wedding thing. She tells him he really doesn’t get it, and he agrees, he doesn’t – but he can promise that he will never lay a hand on her and they’ll both be better off this way. He then offers her a drink.
And that, friends, was a conversation Tom Cruise only has to have once a decade.
Downstairs, Margaery (Natalie Dormer) calls Cersei (Lena Headey) “sister”, which is apparently the “hey gurl” of Westeros. Cersei takes her arm and asks if she’s heard the new Beyonce single, “Make it Reyne”, and Marge says OMG totally and she is positively gagging on it. But before Marge can show Cersei her dance routine, Cersei mentions that the song is actually about the last bitch who called her “sister” – now that loser can’t even get Kelly Rowland to return her calls. Yikes. Marge looks suitably On Notice.
It’s wedding time! Sansa is given away by Joffrey (Jack Gleeson), which is any girl’s dream come true. Joffrey takes the opportunity at the altar to steal Tyrion’s step-stool, which of course leaves him too short to look his bride in the eye or put her cloak on her, which is apparently a thing they do at straight weddings. It’s a seriously dick move on Joffrey’s part, and honestly one that I would have thought beyond him. Sansa stoops to accommodate. Also, her dress is clearly from the Bed Bath and Beyond Window Treatment Bridals Collection.
Back in Dragonstone, ToriAmosandre visits Gendry in his room and they bond over a shared life of abject poverty and misery. She gives him something red to drink, and he loves it. (Alizé?) She is instantly able to get his clothes off (totally Alizé) and tells him that that they together have to save the world for God or something – he notices that the sound of his clothes hitting the floor “doesn’t sound too religious.”
She mounts him, and then ties him to the bed. Uh-oh. But fortunately the magical power of his modesty clause prevents her from actually taking his pants off, even though that clearly would have happened at this point – no, instead, she risks a sprained wrist by poking in and out of his leather pantaloons with a collection of leeches. Oh, also – she has leeches.
Stannis and Davos come in to watch this part – apparently Davos has convinced Stannis that he needs to see some proof that Gendry’s blood is powerful or something. She retrieves the last leech from Li’l Gendry and Stannis picks it up (I hope they have Purell in Dragonstone!) and tosses it into the fire, naming it Robb Stark. The next he names a Greyjoy, and the last he names Joffrey Baratheon.
Back at the wedding, Lady Olenna (Dame Diana Motherf*cking Rigg) amuses herself trying to unravel the incestuous threads of their soon-to-be united houses (she’s her own grandpa!). Tyrion is wasted, so Sansa excuses herself – Joffrey intercepts her to tell her that he’ll be coming to her chambers to rape her later with his guards. Uh – I’m pretty sure that wasn’t on the registry. Cersei, meanwhile, is met by her own betrothed – the gay Lorax (Finn Jones) – who only has time get get a half a sentence out before she shuts him down with a withering phrase and a flip of her wig. I guess some people just don’t like weddings.
Including Papa Tywin (Charles Dance), apparently – which is odd, because this whole thing was HIS idea. He tells Tyrion he wants to see Lannister penis in Stark vagina TONIGHT, or Tyrion totally can’t borrow his car anymore for lacrosse games. NOT EVEN AWAY GAMES. Joffrey presses the matter by demanding that the bride and groom consummate the marriage right there during the Venetian Hour, which I find rather progressive. Peter Drunklage isn’t amused by the suggestion, and he tells the king that “you’ll be f*cking your own bride with a wooden c*ck!” Joffrey doesn’t take to this, and Tywin has to interject to smooth things over.
Tyrion plays along, ridiculing himself in front of all of his wedding guests. It’s kind of awful. He finishes with a flourish: “My tiny drunk c*ck and I have a job to do!” and he trots off to his honeymoon suite.
There, he learns that Sansa is 14. YEESH. He tells her that her new father-in-law totally wants to see babybatter on her knickers by breakfast time, and it’s not his fault. She takes a swig of Alizé (ATTA GIRL), goes to the bed, and starts to undress. Tyrion stops her (BLESS HIM!) and tells her that he will not share her bed until she actually wants it, even if that’s never. He passes out on the couch, like a good bad date.
We then rejoin Dany, who apparently didn’t get the memo that the hot tub episode was two weeks ago. I guess trends take a while to cross the Shivering Sea (be ready for a “Call Me Maybe” flashmob in Yunkai next week!). Her new BFF Missandei (Nathalie Emmanuel) speaks nineteen languages and gently corrects Dany’s Dothraki. Ha! Nice to be reminded that without the dragons, she’s still a fairly young warlord with a lot to learn. Including how to set proper sentries at bath time – because Daario appears, pulls a knife on her best girl, and then dumps the heads of Mario and Douchio out of his gym bag.
Dany is impressed that he killed his fellow captains after they demanded that they kill her, and she shows her approval by standing to greet him. He probably returns the favor, but his armor’s kind of in the way, so it’s hard to tell. He goes on about beauty and blah blah blah – looks like Dany’s found a new stud.
Shae (Sibel Kekilli) brings Tyrion and Sansa breakfast, and she is delighted to see that his side of the bed is undisturbed. Or that there’s no blood. Either way it’s a win.
Up North, Spamwise Tarly (hey, remember him?!) and Gillllyyyyyyyy… are still stumbling through the snow trying to find someplace safe for her and her baby. They find a house with a tree outside with a creepy-ass face carved into it that’s attracting crows. Spam’s all, “This looks like the perfect place to put a woman and baby!”
Inside, he can’t start a fire, so Gilly says they can stay warm under the furs. He tells her that she should really give the baby a name at some point so that they have something to call it, and she reveals that she doesn’t really know how names work. He gives a few examples, including his father’s name, and then asks her NOT to name the baby after his father.
Outside, the birds get louder and louder. Spam goes to investigate, and outside he finds about a hundred crows in the tree with the face on it screaming at him like he was Tippi Hedren wearing a birdseed pantsuit. Gilly comes out, and suddenly the birds stop – and a figure in the woods is moving toward them.
Yes, Edgar Winter the white walker has been using GPS (a gaggle of petulant squawkers) to keep tabs on this baby, which of course was supposed to be yesterday’s lunch. He comes at Spam, but Spam pulls his sword – which Edgar shatters. Ed knocks Spam down and goes for the Unnamed Baby, but Spam remembers he has that arrowhead thingie in his pocket, and he stabs Ed with it – and Ed turns to ice and shatters. Well! That worked out well, no?
A hundred thousand angry birds reply: NO.
Notably Absent: Jon and Ygritte, Robb and TalisaMilano, Cate, Jamie and Brienne, Theon, Bran and Co., the Banner guys, the Night’s Watch, Littlefinger
Notably Dead: Edgar Winter, Gendry’s foreskin, Gilly’s dreams of getting a parakeet
Quote of the Week: Tyrion had a slew of zingers this ep, but I think I’ve got to give it to “My tiny drunk c*ck and I have a job to do.” Which, coincidentally, is what I say to myself every week as I sit down to write this recap.
All in all a pretty fun ep, I’d say – nothing like a miserable wedding to liven things up a bit, and it was fun seeing Cersei go “all T, all shade on Marge” like that. I suspicion that Marge won’t take it lying down. I’m also very excited to see who will win Wedding Wars: Westeros Forced Marriage Edition – will we be seeing Cersei and Lorax tie the knot next week and Joffrey/Marge the week after? Good thing I had my tux dry-cleaned!
Anyway, I’m just thrilled to hear the words “c*ck” and “c*nt” about 45 times apiece before bedtime – I hear it promotes a sound rest.
In all I’d give the episode a respectable eight shampoo bottles – a strong ep in an overall strong season. Here’s hoping they go out with a bang!