‘Game Of Thrones’ Power Rankings: Week 1

Joffrey Baratheon: King of the Seven Kingdoms, Queen of Bitch Face

Game of Thrones is all about vengeance and the battle for the Iron Throne this season, so with this mind we here at NewNowNext will be giving weekly power rankings to show which family seems to be doing the best in their quest to rule the Seven Kingdoms. This week gave us some possible alliances, hungry dragons and more time than we needed of that pri*k Joffrey.

Let’s talk a look.

House Lannister — Hate them as we all might, that pri*k Joffrey and mommie dearest Cersei are still very much in control. Even with everyone now knowing where young Joffrey came from, the duo still managed to keep their ship from sinking. Of course no one really wants to see the deaths of scores of children, but gotta make sure those Robert Baratheon bastards stay out of the picture, so good call Cersei. There are a few small problems of course, largely the fact that Cersei’s brother and Joffrey’s dad is being held prisoner by the Starks, but all in all things are still looking good. Assuming of course Joffrey stops threatening to kill his mother.
House Baratheon: Hot Gay Guy Edition — Robert’s brother Renly is ready to lay his claim to the thrown and already has an army of 100,000 ready to fight with him. We didn’t see him this week sadly, or his hot man, but expect some Renly love next week when Robb and Catelyn Stark head down to try and form an alliance with the king’s scorned brother.
House Baratheon: Crazy Priestess Edition — The other Baratheon brother, Stannis, seems to have joined some sort of cult with the delightful priestess Melisandre. She believes in the power of light and clearly that sh*t works as it seems it is impossible to poison her. Go M! We also must give snaps to Stannis for deciding to tell everyone in the Seven Kingdoms that Cersei was diddling her brother and her three toe-headed children are not in fact his dead brother Robert’s. We like when these guys play dirty.
House Stark — Look, we love the Starks, but the family is a MESS. Sensa is married to the sociopath Joffrey, Arya is on the run and currently looks like an extra from Newsies, their crippled youngest son Bran is running Winterfell and while Catelyn and Robb are in possession of Jamie Lannister they don’t even want the throne. They just want to avenge Ned’s death and be a free northern state. These guys need to get it together.
House Targaryen — Speaking of messes, good old Danerys is straight up hot mess express. She is wandering the desert with some tired looking men, can’t figure out how to feed her dragons and her horse just died. Also, she is dressing like a Mad Max extra. Brush your hair and get a plan gurl.
Those Idiots In The North — It is freezing, it is only getting colder and John Snow is currently lodging with a man who bangs his daughters who then gives birth to daughters who he also bangs.The Seven Kingdoms need to figure out some Match.com like program so people stop plowing their family members. Maybe the ravens can carry notes.