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When He Calls You a "F*ggot" During Sex: An Investigation

Is the homophobic slur making a comeback? Gay men weigh in.

In my sexual history, there has only ever been one word that I hate more than moist. It’s a word I deem so unacceptable that I will kindly ask the person to leave because my feelings have been hurt and I am a sensitive Cancer who was bullied in high school. That word is the F-word. Not the F-word, but the other one.

Faggot.

On a recent camping trip, my good friend and confessed power bottom told me his reaction to the word delivers the opposite sexual response: It turns him on. Later that night—amidst an orchestra of crickets—I listened, from a neighboring tent, to his partner call him a faggot numerous times in between various slapping and spanking sounds. I can confirm that he does, indeed, love that term far more than I ever could.

To better understand why—or if—the response to the word is polarizing among gay men during sex, I published a poll on Twitter. Of the near 500 votes submitted, 73% of gay men consider the term a turn-off. “To me, the implication is that there is something I should be ashamed about, and fuck that noise,” Robinson Muir shares, adding, “If someone calls me a fag during sex, they're getting the fuck out of my house.” For Paul Johnson, who normally takes a submissive role in the bedroom, the word instinctively and immediately makes him feel unsafe, as fag has historically been used as a precursor to violence.

The cover of Larry Kramer's seminal novel, Faggots, published in 1978.

“Words that have been associated with violence, pain, and trauma can be particularly powerful,” Jason Orne, queer sexologist and author of Boystown, shares. “They are triggers. The N-word, for instance, can cause a whole cascade of physiological and mental stress. Words depend on context, including the speaker, the relationship, our own position, and our expectations.”

Knowing the word is polarizing, Ian Gray likes to ask how the word makes sexual partners feel before using it. “I definitely check in first before I use it in bed because I know lots of people for whom it can be a powerfully triggering term,” he says. “Amongst queer friends, I use it regularly, and as long as I know I’m not hurting anyone, I really enjoy using it in and out of the bedroom. I guess I feel empowered by reclaiming the term.”

It was also evident that the word was particularly popular among BDSM crowds. “In the exchange of power that is good fucking, it puts me in my place and takes me to a good submissive headspace," Daniel Johnson says. "I do the same for others.”

Orne admits there is a lot of research that tries to explain the "fag phenomena," but considers the quest fruitless, as seeking such an answer implies that the enjoyment of the word is somehow wrong and needs to be fixed. After reading varied responses on Twitter, I’d have to agree. It all boils down to the age-old saying: Different strokes for different folks.

“Said in the context of kink and BDSM by someone I want to [say it], I find the word fag a huge-turn on,” Orne adds. “I don’t think that’s because I’m damaged or traumatized and want that pain. [If] it's not hurting anyone else, why does why matter?”

Orne explains further that fag discourse is understood as a more extreme version of the sub-dom dynamic, indicating that the sub is the lowest of the low (which turns on that individual) and must serve his “alpha” partner. “Again, that’s reclaiming a traumatic event and word and turning that potential pain into something that’s sexually exciting,” he says.

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Couple of handsome gay men, in their underwear, in bed together together with one of them looking at the camera

In a follow-up poll, I asked if queer people use the word colloquially among friends; 50% said they do. In an interesting turn of events, Yellow LaFleur informed me that he hated the term in a sexual context, but uses it to identify himself and his peers.

“I recognize faggotry as an expression,” he explains. “It’s largely a defense and largely feminine, almost like calling each other sis. It’s used nonchalantly and playfully amongst self-identified fags. It’s not directly attached to sex. It’s an expression, aggressive flamboyance, and softness in the open.” He continues to say that, during sex, fag is often said with a deep voice and aggressive tone, used as a form of ownership. “I own my faggotry,” LaFleur says. “No one else.” For LaFleur and others, fag is a word to reclaim, similar to queer, but specifically focused on solidarity with gay effeminacy.

But not everyone believes historically degrading words should be reclaimed. “Reappropriating hurtful words is honestly bullshit,” says David Robert. Orne, however, doesn’t think the word is being reclaimed or reappropriated; rather, he believes we’re giving it a wider range of meaning and use.

“Using these words creates a boundary between insiders and outsiders. This, in turn, gives the words special solidarity—'See, I can use this with you because we’re similar in this way’,” Orne says. “It [lends] it a different context.”

All of our experiences with the term vary, consequently our feelings toward its use will also vary. For some, fag is empowering, for others it's traumatic. Sometimes it’s an erotic mix of the two.

If you're interested in using the word, explore so thoughtfully. Orne recommends including it in your online profile. “People [can write] fag in the same [place] say they are into into verbal, humiliation, or degradation."

If you’re offline, Orne recommends you confidently state what you’re into and provide the other person with the chance to opt-out. He offers a template: "I find the word fag hot, but I know others have mixed feelings. Let me know if you're against it. And is there anything you're into?"

This last part is particularly important, notes Orne. “Asking the question also helps frame it as a give and take, that you’re on a journey to figure out what you both like together."

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