Our vision of a closeted Republican getting gay in Tampa. Photo Credit: Getty Images
The Republican National Convention is kicking off in Tampa tomorrow, Hurricane Isaac be damned, and that means the male bathhouses of Florida’s western coast are going to be packed, right? Because, statistically, aren’t like 10% of Republicans closeted homosexuals at this point? Maybe even more?
This got us wondering just how gay good old Tampa is. Sure there is Grindr, but what other attractions down south could appeal to a pent up conservative looking to blow off some steam with another politically minded pal. We decided to ask some friends who have had the pleasure of visiting Tampa, whose name actually means “sticks on fire.” Just like that derogatory gay word also means a stick on fire.
The convention center looks BORRRRRING.
We had trouble finding people who had ever been to Tampa, so we did the next best thing and Googled “Tampa Gay” to begin our research. We found this;
The Gay Tampa metropolitan area includes Tampa, St. Petersburg, and Clearwater, all of which our covered in GayTravel.com’s gay and lesbian travel guides. This hot spot on the gulf coast will excite you with beaches where the sand is like flour and the nightlife is bumping and pumping. What makes Tampa so inviting is the semi-tropical weather, and Southern hospitality that aims to please.
Now this is all well and good, but the site then listed places like Busch Gardens and some bit about cigars, two things that don’t strike us as super gay. Also, who says “bumping and pumping?”
Wanting a better firsthand account we asked a coworker who is actually from Florida how gay Tampa is, and she said; “I don’t have a clue.” Upon being further pressed, because we needed to get this post up, she offered us this; “I flew into the Tampa airport once. I got an upgrade to a convertible by a gay man.”
This was big news, as we were able to confirm there are gay people who actually live in Tampa, but we needed to know how she was sure this man was indeed a homosexual. “He just seemed gay,” she explained. “I have a good gaydar. Also, he said he liked my sunglasses.” That was enough evidence for us.
So we could confirm there was a gay population and lots of the aforementioned “bumping and pumping” in Tampa, but what about gay bars or clubs?
We got so desperate we asked our mother, who was once there for a conference or something, and all she could offer was; “I was told you should go to [gay travel site redacted because ours is better].” Worthless woman. When we asked who gave her this information so we could yell at them, she said; “Lenny, our token gay in the EP lab.” Thanks for nothing Lenny.
A gay deal for closeted Republicans!
Finally, we managed to find someone at work who actually used to live and work in Tampa, and he was pretty helpful. At first he kept procrastinating and complaining he wasn’t funny enough to write something, which is true, but then we got some good information out of him. “Seriously, there are very, very few gay clubs and bars in Tampa,” he explained. He then started talking about a place that looks like a gothic castle called The Castle, and it sounded spooky so we zoned out.
“The downtown of the city shuts down at like 6 pm,” he went on to say. But, it turns out, that’s where the old gay bathhouses used to be, by the docks he explained.
“Maybe the Republicans should resurrect them?,” he said.
Given the somewhat limited number of gay attractions in Tampa, this appears to be the best possible idea.
So Tampa, not that gay, but maybe the closeted Republicans can change all that.
Anderson Cooper & Andy Cohen’s Gay Getaway: Croatia
Young Republicans Make Worst ‘Call Me Maybe’ Parody So Far
