AAHH! Giant leeches! They’re ripping my clothes off!
Halloween is nearly upon us once again, and for some of us it conjures memories we would rather keep suppressed. For instance, the little boy who went out one Halloween wearing a Thundarr mask he got from Woolworth and a fabulous sun sword he made from a whiffle bat.
The night went well until he got home and emptied the contents of his goodie bag and found 2 business cards, 3 mini-bibles, used wax lips, a brown banana, and someone’s dentures. Oh, and worst of all – candy corn.
Needless to say, that child was scarred for life from properly celebrating the gayest holiday of them all.
Fortunately, the energy he could have spent trick-or-treating every year was instead spent becoming a horror aficionado, with a special focus on the hot guys that provided eye candy in between the, well, horror.
Two years ago we gave you a list of horror’s hottest himbos, and now it’s time to expand on that list with even more horror hunks. Some are obvious and some are obscure, but they all certainly beat brown bananas and dentures. And especially candy corn.
Oh, and remember kiddies … four more days to Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. Four more days to Halloween – Silver Shamrock! (my undying love to whoever gets that reference).
The Winchester boys in Supernatural
Any list of horror hotties has to include brothers Sam and Dean Winchester from The CW’s long-running Supernatural. They’ve battled every kind of demon imaginable and became a fan-fic juggernaut. And all of that monster-hunting does a body good, especially for Sam, who obviously did a little extra hunting during the show’s off-season.
Todd Allen in Witchboard
Witchboard came out in 1987 and is remembered primarily for star Tawny Kitaen, who would then go on to fame as a music video vixen before being beset by "issues." But its real claim to fame is co-star Todd Allen. He’s the perfect 80’s guy – feathered hair, unmanscaped body, and he fills out his acid-washed jeans better than Richie Sambora.
The movie holds up surprisingly well, even with it’s low budget, not so special effects … and this.
Jason Beghe in Monkey Shines
Speaking of perfect 80’s guys, Jason Beghe is another prime example. He starred in Monkey Shines as a paralyzed man who gets to fulfill a wish the rest of us have only dreamed of … telepathically ordering a monkey to mutilate his enemies.
Jason has had a long and successful career (including playing Matt’s closeted Navy boyfriend on Melrose Place), but to me he’ll always be the hot guy doing naked stretching in that killer monkey movie.
Dylan Edrington in 2001 Maniacs
Out director Tim Sullivan updated the 60’s cult classic 2000 Maniacs with a noticeable (and welcome) twist. In most horror films there’s always one girl who’s oversexed and bares gratuitous amounts of flesh.
But in 2001 Maniacs that role goes to Dylan Edrington, who is comically horny (he even humps a pillow, bareassed), and in one scene almost bares all. Almost, unfortunately.
Vin Diesel in Pitch Black
Remember when Vin Diesel became a star? He had been in a few movies before Pitch Black, but it was his role as Riddick in this 2000 horror movie that catapulted him to stardom.
He almost ruined it with a crappy sequel, but his screen presence (and hotness) in Pitch Black is still palpable.
Robert Brian Wilson in Silent Night, Deadly Night
Punish! It was the film that launched parental hysterics around the U.S. When Silent Night, Deadly Night came out in 1984, it had already seen protests from parent’s groups who were outraged that not only was Santa being used as a psycho killer, but the film’s ads were running in the afternoon … during kids programming! (I remember very clearly using the film’s catchphrase "Punish!" repeatedly.)
Robert Brian Wilson was the gorgeous, albeit murdering Santa. He left showbiz in the 80’s, but I always think of him when I make my Christmas list.
David Decoteau’s Boxer Briefs Brigade
Yes, that’s Cory Monteith about to be initiated
Director David Decoteau (who also directs under many alternate names including Wilma Rubble, Victoria Sloan, Ellen Cabot and my personal favorite H.L. Smokum) has carved out his own unique niche in Hollywood.
His films include such titles as Voodoo Academy, The Brotherhood Series, Wolves of Wall Street, Beastly Boyz, and too many others to name. And they all have one thing in common – hot guys in boxer briefs.
If there’s one thing you can be assured of in every Decoteau film, it’s that he’s going to find some way to get his male cast down to their underwear (sometimes for the majority of the running time). It’s bizarre, totally unnecessary … and hilarious.
And if you keep an eye out, you may see some familiar faces like Cory Monteith, who starred in Killer Bash.
Cory looks totally into it
One of David’s biggest hits was the epic Leeches, about flesh-eating slugs attacking a hot swim team (requiring lots of shots of guys in wet speedos).
He managed to get another familiar face down to his briefs for this film. Josh Henderson would later go on to star on Desperate Housewives and 90210. I wonder if he puts this on his resume?
Speaking of Desperate Housewives, years before he played Bree’s nemesis Lips on that show, Sam Page (using the name Nathan Watkins) starred in the Decoteau classic The Brotherhood, Why would he not want to use his own name?
Josh Green in Curse of the Puppet Master
Before we leave Decoteau world, I have to give a special shout-out to my favorite Decoteau hunk. Josh Green starred in Curse of the Puppet Master, playing a country bumpkin (he actually wore overalls throughout the whole movie) named Tank who became the victim of a mad scientist.
When Tank ended up tied on a table, I actually cared about his welfare … and loved seeing him struggle.
Joe Zaso in anything he’s ever done
Joe Zaso is the king of low budget indie horror, and has earned a huge gay following because of his talent, sweetness, and because he’s sex on a stick.
The casts of The Lair and Dante’s Cove
These Here TV shows may be lacking in such areas as writing, production values, and well, everything else, but they more than make up for it with hot guys. If you need something to do on Halloween night, a DVD marathon might be just what the mad doctor ordered.
Paul Satterfield in Creepshow 2
There’s no way that Creepshow 2 could’ve measured up to the classic original, but they gave it a game go, and one of the segments in the film is remembered fondly by horror fans.
"The Raft" told the story of two couples trapped in the middle of a pond by a carnivorous … slick of black ooze. I remember it fondly for the awesome sight of Blond God Paul Satterfield stripping to a yellow speedo. What carnivorous slick of black ooze wouldn’t want to feast on that?
The guys from Hellbent
The gay slasher flick Hellbent caused a stir when it was released in 2004, and despite the mixed reviews was a hit on the festival circuit.
Much of the film’s success obviously was due to the cast, who played the characters with sincerity, even when the horror situations grew rather silly.
Oh, and there was also the hotness factor.
Finally … True Blood
What can i say about the True Blood guys that hasn’t already been said? Oh, I know. Lose the damn c*ck socks!