Over Thanksgiving weekend, I Watched Hallmark Holiday Movies So You Don't Have To, hoping to see why the network would deny us our Golden Girls in order to inundate us with a constant barrage of Christmas-themed films.

I never found my answer (and I still believe that one Rose Nylund St. Olaf story is worth every Candace Cameron-Bure film ever made), but I gained an appreciation for the well-oiled Hallmark movie-making machine, which is able to churn out these films at an alarming rate.

But enough is enough, Hallmark. For the last two weeks, they've pre-empted regular programming again (except for an occasional The Middle) for another marathon, this time of "romance-themed" Valentine tributes.

I'm a glutton for punishment, and because i'm still trying to understand the appeal, over the last few days I watched two of these "romance-themed" films, once again chosen by their titles, without knowing anything about the plots or cast. Would I gain new insight? Be bemused by heterosexual wooing? Would there at least be some beefcake to ogle? Here are the results.

First up ...

I chose this title because it seemed vaguely familiar, and as soon it began, I figured out why. Alison Sweeney stars with Greg Vaughan, who filmed this just before he was cast as Father Hottie on Days Of Our Lives. Father Hottie is the brother of Alison's Sami character, so seeing them in his film making moves on each other is a little disconcerting. On the other hand, with all that goes on in Salem, we should count our blessings that their soap characters never ... went there.

Alison plays struggling single mom Jenny, a 911 operator who's had her hours cut, so to make ends meet, she decides to rent out her guest room. Cue Greg, who plays Fireman Hottie Jeff, who is familiar to Jenny through his 911 handle "Cowboy." When Cowboy breaks his leg in the line of duty, he needs a place to recuperate, and his third floor condo is not going to cut it, so he rents out Jenny's guest room.

You can guess where this is going.

"Gee, your hair smells terrific"

"Ooh look, a bird!"

Because the outcome in these films is inevitable, the only interesting aspects are trying to guess the manufactured obstacles that will be thrown in the way of true love, and how eclectic the supporting cast is.

As far as obstacles, there are surprisingly few, but it's easier for cupid to hit his mark when your leading man is playing the most perfect man in the history of romance films.

Fireman Hottie is kind, funny, loves kids, is an amateur magician, and takes the PG-rated hazings from his fireman buddies with good nature.

There are a brief few minutes when Jenny is worried that Jeff's occupation is too hazardous, but she changes her mind when she sees him lifting weights in a tank top.

As far as the supporting cast, Ed Asner plays a resident of a retirement home who hires the reading services of Jenny's kids (they charge one dollar to read to old and blind people, trying to raise money for their mother. Yes, you could cover a stack of pancakes with the syrup flowing here). Dawnn Lewis (A Different World, Hanging With Mr. Cooper) has a throwaway role as Jenny's operator co-worker, and Maxwell Caulfied is listed in the credits, but I'll be damned If I could see him anywhere in the movie.

Diego Serrano plays Jeff's fireman colleague, but has little to do except throw water balloons and wrap Jeff's bed with plastic wrap, so here's a pic of him from The Mostly Unfabulous Social Life Of Ethan Green.

This is truly one of the most chaste romance films I've ever seen. The two leads don't even kiss until the final moment, ala Titanic, and I found my mind wandering numerous times, wondering what would happen if some whackadoodle characters from Dool suddenly showed up to stir up trouble. That's what this movie needed - Kristin DiMera, or at least Nick Fallon, back from the grave.

Pros: Greg Vaughan will always be eye candy, you can watch with your grandmother.

Cons:: slow-moving, no surprises, fireman hazing does not include nudity, you can watch with your grandmother.

On a scale of one to five Karl Urban as Cupid on Xena, it gets a lackluster Two.

Here's the preview.

Next up is I Do, I Do, I Do, which I chose because ... it's named after an Abba song, duh.

Autumn Reeser plays way-too-chipper architect Jaclyn, who is seeing arrogant doctor and author Peter (Antonio Cupo), but it's obvious they're doomed from the start. His idea of romance is to show up at the unveiling of her latest building ... in an ambulance ... covered in a sheet ... pretending to be a cadaver. He leaps out of the gurney, scaring the shit out of her and her sister, and presents her with a bouquet of flowers, and a proposal.

He has the whole thing recorded for viral video purposes, so Jaclyn is pressured to say yes.

Newly engaged, the couple travel to Peter's family hotel, where his mother has made all of the preparations for their Valentine wedding, which includes, of course, a ghastly wedding dress, tacky decorations, a gaggle of gays to help with her hair and makeup, and an air of stifling repression.

Feeling suffocated, she takes a bike ride in the woods, and is eaten by a chupacabra. No, that's just what I daydreamed. Actually, she has a meet cute in the forest with Max, played by ... Shawn Roberts! Hallelujah! Max tries to get her to loosen up, but not even jumping into the lake fully clothed and exiting in wet clingy clothes can elicit a response.

The wedding rehearsal takes place, and that's when Jaclyn meets her about-to-be brother-in-law ... Max! There are a few awkward moments between them, and the next day the wedding commences. It's a disaster, of course, with spilled wine, and ugly outfits, and both Max and Jaclyn's sister asking her if this is really what she wants.

That night, Jaclyn goes to bed lamenting out loud "This was the worst day of my life," and when she wakes up ... it's her wedding day all over again. That's right, we have the Hallmark valentine version of Groundhog Day. Jaclyn repeatedly relives her wedding day, and most of the film's running time involves her making superficial changes (buying her own dress, writing her vows), but it's not until she looks within herself and comes to terms with what she really wants can her life move forward. Spoiler: It involves Shawn Roberts.

I have to admit that while Jaclyn was having her umpteenth wedding day, I did lose focus, and went in search of the Shawn Roberts beefcake so sorely lacking. For instance, playing a gay scientist in Black Rain

And in other stuff!

And to keep it balanced ... Antonio Cupo!

But eventually I had to make it back to the movie, as Jaclyn realized she was supposed to be with Max, and was finally able to wake up to a new day.

But it sure took a long time to get there.

Pros: Shawn Roberts and Antonio Cupo are gorgeous guys.

Cons: It's a Hallmark version of Groundhog Day.

I'm going to go out on a limb and give it three cupids. The future is obvious as soon as Max and Jaclyn have their forest meeting, but it's a pleasant enough road trip getting there. Plus Shawn Roberts.

Here's the preview.

Okay, Hallmark fans. What's your favorite Valentine marathon movie?