I’m Boycotting Sex Movies Like “Fifty Shades” And “Magic Mike XXL” Until There’s More Dick

fifty shades of grey jamie dornan

I know people are getting excited about all the sexy movies coming out this year, but I won’t be seeing any of them.

It’s not because Fifty Shades of Grey’s Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson reportedly hate each other as much as EL James hates the English language, or because Joe Manganiello was being kind of an ass with a water bottle in the Magic Mike XXL.

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No, I’m boycotting these movies—and all movies being sold on sex appeal—until they finally man up and show some manhood.

I’m not saying it needs to be gratuitous (though that would be nice) but in a day and age where we get Ben Affleck and Doogie Howser’s D’s in the same movie—and not even a sexy thriller—you’d think that some Twilight fan-fic adaptation could flash a little peen. (Not that I presume its little).

Related: Matt Damon Has Seen Ben Affleck’s Penis “Many Times”

Hell, Jamie Dornan’s actually modeled nude before. You don’t even have to go too far in your creepy Google search to find it. (Trust me.) So, aside from the teensiest flash of Jamie’s shaft, why are these movies too afraid to go full monty? (Even Full Monty didn’t go full monty.)

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The actors could be shy, studios could be afraid of a practically guaranteed NC-17 rating or maybe the directors, mostly straight men, just don’t like looking at penises.

Whatever the rationale behind the taboo, though, it doesn’t hold water when your target demo is women and gay men.

And when European films flash full frontal like its going out of style.

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French actor Louis Garrel is allergic to clothes

Sure the American media is comfortable giving us the male backside—good luck finding a TV show that doesn’t give us a little full moon after 9pm—and every now and then we get something like Chris Messina dropping trou in the upcoming Digging for Fire. 

But there’s definitely a peen prohibition in mainstream movies.

To make matters worse, I guarantee we’ll be seeing lady parts in these movies: Apparently Dakota Johnson’s pubic hair is featured enough to have its own “journey.” And Magic Mike’s female equivalent, Showgirls, certainly didn’t shy away from showing vagina.

I mean, on Game of Thrones theres so many naked ladies talking they’ve dubbed it “sexposition,” but except for Hodor and poor Alfie Allen, male members are rarer than dragons.

Related: Natalie Dormer Wants More Peen On “Game Of Thrones”

Even if the actors aren’t super-excited to show off what God or genetics gave them, there’s always movie-effects trickery: Mark Wahlberg wore a prosthetic penis in Boogie Nights. So did Kristian Nairn in Game of ThronesAnd actors use body doubles all the time.

Not that I’m advocating such subterfuge, but it’s better than nothing.

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But please, filmmakers and actors, if you do go the sleight-of-hand route, please don’t tell us. It ruins the illusion—which is what these movies are already doing by wimping out on full-frontal.

Related: Playgirl Wants “Game Of Thrones” Hunk Michiel Huisman To Pose Nude

I mean, let’s be honest: These movies are all about male objectification. No one is going to Fifty Shades or Magic Mike XXL or Chocolate City for a thoughtful take on the human condition. We’re going to see ridiculously hot men. But if Hollywood is going to pander to the baser urges of women and gay men, it really needs to go all the way.

All I’m saying, studio executives who definitely care about my opinion, is show me yours and I’ll show you mine.

My money, that is.