Y’all, look OUT. Today, August 16, is the most important, magical day in history. Why? Because it is Diva Birthday Day.
Almost 65% of history’s greatest divas were born on August 16, and we need to celebrate them. And how will we celebrate? IN SONG!
Here’s a tribute to the four biggest divas who blessed the world with their presence on Diva Birthday Day. Raise a glass, kick some ass, and sing along!
Diva #1: Madonna (b. August 16, 1958)
Why is she a diva? Oh please, bitch. Why is the sun made of yellow butter? Why is the earth a giant disco ball spinning through the blacklight universe we call home? Madonna is the diva, and every time you bitch about her, she just feeds on your hate and gets stronger. She will release four hundred singles next year, they will all feature the sleep sounds of Nicki Minaj, and she will not give a flying damn if you like it. Why? Because she’s Madonna, motherfreaker, and she knows it. She taught you how to dance. She taught your daddy and your grandmama how to dance. And when Judgment Day rolls around, she’s going to Vogue outside the gates of Heaven until St. Peter throws her the keys and says, “Pose, bitch! Pose for all the Chosen Ones!”
What’s the Diva’s Birthday Song? “Vogue,” of course. You think Madonna wants a song by someone else? And in this one, she name checks all those Old Hollywood divas whose souls she ingested and then sprayed on the Shep Pettibone remix of “Like a Prayer.”
Diva #2: Kathie Lee Gifford (b. August 16, 1953)
Why is she a diva? P’scuse me? Why? Because Kathie Lee Gifford has been hosting talk shows since before you could spell “vodka cranberry.” Because my sister has recorded Christian music albums, weathered a sweatshop scandal about her clothing line, and written a musical that’s coming to Broadway this fall. What have you done? Woken up and watched her on the 9th hour of Today?
What’s the Diva’s Birthday Song? UB40’s remake of “Red, Red Wine!” Because Kathie Lee drinks her sizzurp while she’s filming live daytime television, and don’t act like that’s not true.
Why is She a Diva? You’d better show respect, or Angela Bassett will break you in half with her awe-inspiring arms. My lady has been diesel fierce for over twenty years, okay? And are you wondering who got an Oscar nom for playing Tina Turner? For acting like a rock diva so well that all the other divas had to say, “Oscar time?” Yeah, that’s right. Angie B did it. And what’s she doing now? Oh, not much. Just starring in a Broadway play with Sammy Jackson and making coins as that mess sells out every night. Oh… what? She doesn’t have any interesting movies lined up? Don’t get it twisted. She will appear when she damn well wants to appear, and when she does, the world will know.
What’s the Diva’s Birthday Song? “Blow Me (One Last Kiss)” by Pink, because this is a song about not taking any more crap, and Angie isn’t having it, either.
Why is She a Diva? I know you didn’t just ask me that. My girl Jacqueline was such a fierce bitch that she married, like, 500 people, even before her divorces were legal. And so many men loved her that their jealousy is thought to have ruined the relationship between entire nations. So the next time you think you look good, just ask yourself if England would fight for you. And I don’t mean that skinny kid on your block that everybody calls “England” because of his jacked up accent. I mean the whole damn nation. Respect.
What’s the Diva’s Birthday Song? “Starships,” obviously! Because a diva this amazing can’t have any old ride. She needs a rocket to the moon.
Mark Blankenship tweets as @IAmBlankenship. He wishes this were HIS birthday, too.