Jennifer Aniston Is Trying To Murder Angelina Jolie, Or Vice Versa

BRING IT ANISTON!

Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are at war, wedding war, and there is only one way to win this war — murder. So Jen is going to go all Hunger Games on Angie and emerge victorious. Or Angie will poison Jen. Who knows?!

It’s time for Wacky Weekly Wednesday!

Star is reporting live from this grueling wedding war, keeping tabs on who is winning. Is it Angie, the man stealer who took Brad Pitt from Jen? Or is it Jen, with her super hip LES-friendly new man Justin Theroux? The power keeps shifting, but only one can win…

You know what, we just can’t this week. Instead of jokingly trying to go on and on about this, we are just going to bullet point the insanely asinine quotes the magazine has printed from “insiders.” Honestly people, how can you run this?

  • “Brad admitting that he plans to marry Angelina soon was like a punch in the gut to Jen.”
  • “Angelina may act like she’s above her drama-filled past, but she still gets great enjoyment over throwing her relationship with Brad in Jennifer’s face.”
  • “After hearing that Brad and Angelina were planning to tie the knot in France, Jen decided to move hers there too.”
  • “[Jen] told her wedding planner to find the most stunning, upscale wedding venues in Paris” … “She’s planning a $10 million wedding and has told the wedding planner she’s willing to go higher, if that’s what it takes to make sure they outshine Angelina.”
  • After hearing Jen was doing her wedding in France … “[Angelina] switched her destination to Cambodia.”
  • “Angelina wants to make Jen’s wedding look like an obscene waste of money, while hers is more about family.”
  • “Chris Spargo’s eyes started to bleed while reading this article.”

When will the tabloids get sick of these two?

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