My Pretend CeleBoyfriend: Johnny Depp

Johnny are you queer?

The note, which said to take the next flight to Spain, came with two first-class, one-way tickets to Bilbao. Ordinarily, you wouldn’t be so reckless, but you change your email signature to an out-of-the-office message, leave your boss a hasty voicemail, and get on that plane. The note wasn’t signed, but you know who it came from. As the lights of your city twinkle farther and farther away beneath you, you wonder: why Bilbao?

The answer is clear when the plane touches down several hours later and you are escorted off the flight by a uniformed monkey, who hands you a note which reads, “I will be your valet for the evening.” Then he high-fives you, for both of you know what is about to go down: an awesome date with your handsome celebrity boyfriend, Mister Johnny Depp!

You hop in the human-sized sidecar of a very tiny, monkey-sized motorcycle, and the monkey valet revs the engine. Soon, you’re off, cruising down the highway with a squeaking simian companion. He pulls up to the Guggenheim, which has your name spelled out in pink Christmas lights on one wavy metal side. Johnny Depp, your boyfriend, suddenly rappels down the side of the building wearing his outfit from “Alice in Wonderland.”

“Oh, hello,” he says in his weirdly faux-English accent, holding out his hand to you.

“Hi,” you say, suddenly shy. Maybe it’s the incredibly freaky white makeup on his face, but you’re a little weirded out.

“Is the outfit too much?” he asks worriedly.

“Uh,” you say. “Um. Maybe you could dress in your outfit from Benny and Joon instead?”

He snaps his fingers and poof! Instantly, he’s sporting a vest, a hat, a tie, and long hair.

“Ew,” you say. “Too early ’90s. I can’t believe Winona put up with that shit.”

He frowns, then snaps his fingers again. Bam! He’s Captain Jack!

“Excellent,” you say. “Let’s get it on.”

“I bought you this entire museum,” he announces. “We can have sex on top of all the artwork!”

You high-five each other and skip off into the museum, arm in arm. Truly, Johnny Depp is the best pretend celeboyfriend EVER.

MY PRETEND CELEBOYFRIEND: NEWT GINGRICH

MY PRETEND CELEBOYFRIEND: GEORGE CLOONEY