Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck Are Off ‘The View’: Here Are Their Replacements

Bye bye

So what? Who cares?

Now on her second extracurricular talk show, Joy Behar has long been the “bigger fish to fry” squawker on the fruit of Baba Wawa’s womb The View and today that became official. Joy’s moving on, ya’ll.

But before you scoff at this bit of no-surprise-there news, it gets a little better. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is bouncing after this season, too!

And according to our source’s sources at Us Weekly, she’s getting ousted due to everyone hating her. Viewers of The View, that is, not every other host on the show. But them too.

Bye girl! Just try and stay upbeat, you’ll always have the Bush years!

So, with two empty seats now, we wondered who will be joining Whoopi and Sherri (and Barbara when she feels like it) on the couch to talk about the truly big issues. And by wondering, we mean we’ve already started fantasy casting next year’s season of unintelligible over-talking.

Joy Behar

Joy will definitely be the harder of the two couch butt creases to fill, and not just because some people actually enjoy her as a somewhat recognizable fellow human being. As part of the original panel, she’s been in this hen house for a loooong time. Since 1997, to be exact, which is borderline impossible to believe. How did she manage to survive all that Debbie Matenopoulos/Star Jones/Rosie O’Donnell exposure? It’s like growing up in a nuclear test site and going on to have 20 kids and living to 100. She’s basically been rewarded with her own TV shows out of pity/awe. Let’s recast her!

RoseanneNow, The View has long been known for casting from left field (Rosie O’Donnell was a shocker to many), would professional loudmouth Roseanne Barr really be so big a stretch? She has the star/nasal power to really bring in some fascination and hate viewing. But could she last? Doubtful. Also doubtful if she’d even do it. Too busy posting to Twitter every six seconds.

Fran Drescher. Alright, so maybe we’re just picking out nasal-voiced comediennes, here. But if you’re going to go nasal you may as well go to the source. Fran Drescher has similar politics to Joy Behar, would rope in a lot of gays who haven’t watched since America’s warmest, most affirming mom Meredith Vieira left way back, and–according to some Wikipedia-ing we just did–her middle name is Joy! Coincidence?! Probably.

Sofía Vergara. A random choice, maybe, but if there’s any hope for The View post Joy and Elisabeth, they’ll need to take a cue from The X Factors/American Idols/The Voices of the world and just pay off people who still have some star power left and would otherwise never do the show but for the money. She’s also had some experience on the show, remember that infamous rape joke she made? That’s the kind of unfortunate flub that will keep the blood of whoever replaces Hasselbeck boiling. Plus she’s really pretty.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck

The young , pretty, and hated one, Hasselbeck came in after resident moron Debbie Matenopolous had annoyed America and Barbara long enough and Lisa Ling quit to move into that North Korean prison or whatever. She also took the post to a whole new level be becoming the young, pretty, hated, and arch conservative one. Which, as annoying as it was to everyone on the panel, really fuelled ratings for a while. Well, not anymore. Recast!

Ann Coulter. Conservative, blonde, female and horsefaced, Ann Coutler seems to have everything it takes to replace Hasseleck. But if you look a little deeper, the differences really get pronounced. For instance, does Ann Coulter have the “I’m a mom first” appeal of Elisabeth? Can Ann Coulter bear children? Is she still a thing? Or has she beamed back to whatever ice planet she comes from? All serious questions that seriously compromise her ability to replace Hasselbeck.

Sarah Palin. A mom, conservative, has star power, and has very little to do since being nixed from Fox News, Palin could fit the bill. The former governor/VP candidate/interesting person also has just the right sourness one looks for in a new hated, pretty, conservative one. But is she young enough? Sources say no.

Life Size Sour Patch Kid. Like the Fran Drescher casting, this one just goes all in. Sourness factor is obvious, definitely young enough, unsure if its a mom but it has tons of siblings to drone on about protecting from sweet-toothed liberals. This one may be a lock.

Final Verdict: Get ready for some epic Fran Drescher/Life Size Sour Patch Kid brawls, ya’ll!