Canadian McNugget Justin Bieber appears to be headed for a Britney Spears-style spiral, ca. 2008. Either that, or the dark fogs of Europe seem to be sending him throttling towards a highly-stylized existential crisis.
Days after his ex-Selena Gomez releases a dance video* to a song with lyrics like “Your boyfriend is a douche bag/and everybody knows,” the dude’s done nothing but act like one.
Leopard-print, crotch-sweeping pants? A hat with more studs than a Hot Topic clearance aisle? Partying with 14-year olds? Tweets about Jesus? Backstage collapses that may or may not have been premeditated?
The whole thing is so tired and depressing, and, honestly, I don’t know if we’re up for another seven years of bad press from another pop star with too much time on his hands. The mere mention of his name induces eye-glazing. If the Biebz were a normal 19-year old, this breakdown could simply be passed off as the normal transition from high school to college (everyone gets a few years of poor decision-making and tattoos).
However, thanks to his inability to keep his shirt on in near-freezing weather, and penchant for gas masks, we can officially nominate this as a Category 5 Breakdown. We’ve seen this story before: from Britney, Lindsay, Paris, and Nick Carter. And guess what? It gets worse before it gets better.
Hide your umbrellas, hide your coke, hide your evangelical teenagers — we’re in for a long ride.
*A dance video? Seriously? Good grief.