Justin Bieber's new single "Boyfriend" got released today, and in pop music terms, that's like seven nuclear bombs exploding inside the sun.

In just a few minutes, I'll listen to the song for the very first time, and I'll review it while I'm listening. Then I'll listen to it again and record those reactions, too.

What will happen? Will my face melt? Will my heart stop? Will I dance like nobody's watching and love like I've never been hurt?

Let's find out together.

Thoughts Before I Listen

Despite being an adult male, I suspect I will like this song. After all, it was co-written and co-produced by Mike Posner, who created this pop diamond, and Bieber's label would never release a stinker as the first single from his new album. At worst, "Boyfriend" will be slick and soulless fun... and I'm not above that.

The First Listen

Ooh, look whose voice changed! And look who's semi-rapping sexytalk over a sparse beat! Little Jay-Jay's all grown up!

But seriously? The chorus sounds exactly like N'Sync's "Girlfriend," complete with Justin Timberlake's white-boy  falsetto. And the verses remind me of "Drop It Like It's Hot," and both of those songs were produced by Pharrell Williams. Obviously, no one is reinventing music here.

But even though it sounds like the hottest hit of 2003, "Boyfriend" is making me dance.

WHAT? It's OVER? That seemed like 90 seconds. I guess Bieber could only squeeze fifteen minutes of recording time into his busy schedule of writing books and designing novelty beachballs or whatever.

Second Listen

Alright, "Boyfriend." Hit me again!

"Chilling by the fire while we're eatin' fondue." This is an actual line in the song. It is the best lyric ever written.

Oh snap! Beebs just told me he could "be my Buzz Lightyear!" Poetry in motion!

Lyrics like that are supposed to be funny, right? I hope so. If Justin Bieber can see the humor in his life as a teen idol, then he'll be much easier to deal with. That is a lesson he should learn from Justin Timberlake.

Overall, I'm impressed. The beat is slinky, and Bieber's attitude is relaxed and playful. "Boyfriend" sounds mature, but it doesn't seem desperate for maturity.

Now I want fondue.

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Mark Blankenship has written about pop music for NPR and The New York Times, and you can follow him on Twitter at @IAmBlankenship. He once skipped work to see Robyn sing in a bookstore.