Kelly Rowland ‘Kisses Down Low’ Video: Oral Sex For Virgins

Kelly looks fantastic.

Kelly looks fantastic.

Kelly Rowland found love in an auto-tuned, erogenous space and she’s showing it off in an early attempt to claim 2013’s Song of the Year. Do you remember the first time you fuc*ed someone who asked you to talk dirty with them? And the first time you actually did it?

Well, “Kisses Down Low” is basically the musical version of that conversation. It’s a story of a girl who still thinks oral sex is “misbehavin’” and who’s getting her mind blown by someone “one of a kind.”

Taken apart, the song reads like a strangely banal text encounter with a booty call you haven’t had sex with in half a year. “I love it when we misbehave”, “Speed it up/Heat it up/Let it go/Let it go,” “Baby get a little rough that’s okay”- if these lines sound familiar, it’s because you IMed them to your online boy/girl/sexfriend in 1998.

With lyrics like, “I like my kisses down low/Makes me arch my back/When you give it to my slow/Baby just like that,” it is essentially a narrative to the most basic porn $3.99 can buy. I’m talking 34 minutes on a Tuesday night somewhere Internet doesn’t exist- that’s what you’d get from this storyline.

“Boy you turn me on, got me feeling hot/Now I’m really going” – These are things you say when you’re on the receiving end of mediocre oral and you actually care about your partner. Or you’re getting it from someone who’s too hot to insult.

The video is a cross between Beyonce’s “Countdown” and Destiny’s Child’s “Say My Name” — not a bad thing by any means, but come on Kelly: you could at least make an effort to show the world you’re an Independent Woman. You’re already singing about lady oral sex! You’re so close to being a baller FOR REAL. Own it instead of trying to be Mrs. Carter 2.0.

Watch the video here.

Remember When Kelly Rowland Was Bigger Than Beyonce?