Can Tessa Thompson, Janelle Monáe, and Justin Theroux Save “Lady and the Tramp”?

Probably not for all the CGI spaghetti in the world.

When is someone going to be brave enough to stop Disney from making these damned live-action remakes? If Beyoncé can’t do it, it just can’t be done, right? Yet here we are once again.

Remember Lady and the Tramp? The movie that ruined spaghetti for one?

Well, seems nothing is safe with Disney’s new streaming network, Disney+, where the live-action remake of it will premiere this fall. Lady is voiced by phenomenal woman Tessa Thompson and Tramp by “forever would” Justin Theroux. Thompson’s long-rumored girlfriend and real-life superhero Janelle Monáe voices Peg the Pekingese and provides a few songs for the movie, including a less racist remake of “The Siamese Cat Song.” Cuz 2019.

Let’s just hope this doesn’t turn into that other movie about singing cats. The world’s been through enough. Whether or not Lady and the Tramp ascends (descends?) to that creepy level of pirouetting felines, it’s going to be creepy regardless. AF. Take the trailer, for instance.

The dogs are all cute and make your heart want to melt because they’re dogs and that’s what they’re genetically designed to do.

But you know what they’re not designed to do? Talk. As soon as you see Justin Theroux’s handsome voice coming out of a dog, there’s just no going back.

Make it stop! And did we have to introduce this poor dog like he’s Jack Nicholson in The Shining? It literally looks like Tramp is about to go all work and no play on Lady. Is that really the message we want to send about interbreed love?

I’m sure the movie is actually lovely, and there’s an interracial couple at the center, so clearly we’re getting some social commentary about finding common ground and love conquering all. Cuz, again, 2019. And if there are three people I would watch do anything—preferably a threesome—it’s Tessa Thompson, Janelle Monáe, and Justin Theroux. Just think about that threesome for a second. I’ll wait.

Right? But their canine selves? This may be a hard pass. But judge for yourselves when Lady and the Tramp barks its way into our lives on November 12 on Disney+. Check out the trailer, if you dare, below:
 

Lester Fabian Brathwaite is an LA-based writer, editor, bon vivant, and all-around sassbag. He's formerly Senior Editor of Out Magazine and is currently hungry. Insta: @lefabrat